Why do men cheat on their wives?

Ask Dr Gaylen ^

[Hillary's Lovely Legs]

do  Why Do Men Cheat on Their Wives?

QUESTION:  

My husband is very much a flirt. Because of this as well as numerous other reasons, I think my husband is having an affair. I don?t think I am lust being paranoid. Please give me some help in understanding why men cheat, because I don?t think it is just me.   

  ANSWER:  

Your dilemma is one that is all too common. You are probably right when you say that it is not ?just me.?  It takes two to make a marriage or break a   marriage, and it takes two to have an affair. The fact that he has always been ?a flirt? suggests that, at one time, he was that way with you. You probably responded in a way that made him feel special, wanted, and needed, and reinforced his flirting behavior. This ties in with

 the first and main reason why men have affairs: to feed  their ego. The problem with us males is that feeling good about ourselves, or meeting our ?ego needs,? is our primary goal in life. Therefore, the first reason why men get involved in affairs is that it feeds their egos.

   The second reason is what we call ?misplaced anger.? For example lets consider the husband who is really mad at his wife for whatever reason. He may have an affair with some other woman as a way of making his wife ?pay. ? Instead of directing his anger toward her (which he may be afraid to do), or expressing the anger in a way that will help the relationship change, he just has sex with some other woman This action then feeds his ego (because someone else wants him), so he now feels good (physically and emotionally) and he doesn?t feel as angry with his wife. In his anger, he has made her pay.

   The third reason why men have affairs is boredom. The Bible (Proverbs 9:1 7) tells us  ?stolen melons are the sweetest,  stolen apples taste the best.?  In modem times this means that the ?grass is greener on the other side of the fence.? ?If I don?t have enough excitement in my life, I will create some.?

5 Reasons Why Men Cheat
on Their Wives

       1.  LOSS OF EGO
             A man?s primary need is to feel good about
             himself.  When he doesn?t he finds ways to
             meet this primary goal .

       2.   MISPLACED ANGER
              He may be angry at his wife but, rather
              than  deal with problem, he has an affair to
              ? make her pay?  

        3.   BOREDOM 
              Affairs are rarely boring; they tend to be
              exciting and full of life. Even the fear of
              getting caught causes excitement.  

        4.   ESCAPE FROM EMOTIONAL PAIN  
              The male sex drive provides a distraction
               or ?vacation? from emotional pain.  

      5.   NEED FOR NURTURE & INTIMACY
               If these needs are being met, men have
               no need to look elsewhere

 Children who are raised in alcoholic homes, for example, become what we refer to as ?adult children of alcoholics.? One key characteristic is that they become easily bored with life should it become too ?stable.?  
Children in alcoholic homes are raised with nothing being stable. As adults, they are then more comfortable in an unstable environment than in a stable one. This is why they become ?bored? and actually create chaos - because it is what is most familiar or comfortable to them. We all tend to repeat our past, whether that is a positive past or a negative past. If it was unstable then, we feel most comfortable in creating an unstable one now. 

The fourth reason why men have affairs is to escape emotional pain. Our sex drive is the second strongest drive within us -second only to self-preservation. Sex therefore can easily be used as a strong distraction from some emotional pain we do not want to feel. Few things in life are more intense than fulfilling this sex drive with a climax or orgasm. For this reason, a man can use sex as a way to distract him from emotional pain, like problems at home or work. It feels good to him physically, and he gets a vacation from the rest of his feelings of hurt and pain. This is why pornography is a multi-billion dollar industry. He can receive instant gratification just by looking at a magazine, the Internet, a video, etc., and have a secondary benefit of taking a vacation from some internalized emotional pain. 

The fifth reason is the desire for nurture and intimacy. A recent study from the Florida State University found that premature babies who were massaged by their mothers on a regular daily basis developed physically 60% faster than those who did not receive this extra ?touching.? We all need human touch. It is a special form of nurture. When men don?t feel nurtured and cared for by their wives, they will seek it elsewhere. Everyone, males and females need to be nurtured with touch.

[clamper1797]

I was talking with a lady at a bar the other night ...

She mentioned that she was recently widowed
I said "That's too bad. What did your husband die of?"
She said 'Crabs .. you know ... crotch critters"
I said "I didn't know you could DIE from crabs"
She said "You can when you give them to me"

[Pistias]

They were risking their lives to save others, not get laid

Purely the desire for glory. Or to prove to themselves that they had big schlongs. Well, that's what SHE'D say, good Freudian/Hobbesean that she is.

[cactmh]

sorry I accused you...I assumed (wrongly) that you had one of your FR friends erase him. Sorry.

[kayak]

Yes, he's been saying weird stuff on other threads too ..... a very strange fellow ..... hardly your typical FReeper. I know that he was reported for abuse on another thread ..... that may be why he was zapped so quickly after posting here.

[harpseal]

Any man with a sense of honor does not cheat on his wife period. Oh he will look at the occaisional other gorgeous female he sees and he may even make a gallant complement here and there but to cheat is to be totally untrue to one's self. When one makes the promise to one's partner it is a sacred thing, the opportunities that do present themselves from time to time may be passed.

I never once cheated of my either of my wives and I was never divorced. I have known men who do and IMHO it is for some ego gratification that they do such activity. I really do not know. Now for the single male to seek gratification is pergaps but a normal healthy drive simple biology in practice but if one has found someone with whom one shares values hopes dreams and a total comitment to share life and love then why on earth would one wish to have the knowledge of betrayal on one's conscience? I do not know. So perhaps it is not marrying with the right attitude.

Stay well - Stay safe - stay armed - Yorktown

[PrairieFire]

It is easier to cheat than to keep your wedding promise.

It is easier to be out of shape than to work out regularly.

It is easier to sleep in on Sunday morning than it is to gather up the children for church service.

It is easier to a "C" student than to be an "A" student.

In short, laziness.

[koba]

One thing is, is that as women get older they become less attractive. Men generally like young women, and as they get older men have more money so they can buy all the women they want. It's just biology, women shouldn't take these things personally.

[WhyisaTexasgirlinPA]

BTW, Why is a Texas girl in PA?

(cheating on my husband..shhhh. don't tell him where I am)

[Dawgsquat]

I can prove that I have no intention of ever cheating on my wife.

I'm teaching her how to use a firearm.

[Dec31,1999]

Explain what an eclipse is within 10 minutes, or thereabout, and I'll let you off the hook. Pop quiz. No idea, right?

[clamper1797]

I have never had to cheat on my wife ... she still can't play cribbage that well.

[VermiciousKnid]

Once again, Gabz, you have hit the nail right on the head.

Regards,

[Hillary's Lovely Legs]

What's your problem?

[eddie willers]

That explains why my ex-girlfriend was sleeping around so much. Hers was as strange as you could get.

I asked a friend if he was getting any on the side.

He said it'd been so long since he got any that he didn't know they'd moved it.

[JMJ333]

Interesting that he chose "Cardinal Ratzinger" as his screen name. Slimeball...

[StolarStorm]

Simple answer. Men are programmed from millions of years of evolution to spread their seed. Most affairs occur after 7 years of a couple being together (the 7 year itch). This number correlates with the age that most children were able to survive.

Humankind is NOT a monogamous species, serially monogamous, but not continually monogamous. Some men are able to overcome instinct... many are not. Religeon helps one use their mind to overcome their basic instinctual desires.

Very few men are truly satisified with long term monogamy. As much as this truth may offend some.... it is true and all men know it. Some are less honest than I am and will deny this... flame away.

[CounterCounterCulture]

Apology accepted. BTW, I may be a b**ch sometimes, but believe me, I ain't female and have never been cheated on (so far). ;)

[soccermom]

That must have been rough. My husband is a testament to faith and character. My husband has recently been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. It seems that many of the symptoms described him perfectly. However, promiscuity and drug/alcohol abuse are also symptoms and I know he hasn't engaged in such behavior. If anyone would have an "excuse" for cheating, it would be he. The fact that he hasn't is a credit to his strength. Don't tell me men can't control themselves. If he can, anyone can.