Why do men cheat on their wives?

Ask Dr Gaylen ^

[Hillary's Lovely Legs]

do  Why Do Men Cheat on Their Wives?

QUESTION:  

My husband is very much a flirt. Because of this as well as numerous other reasons, I think my husband is having an affair. I don?t think I am lust being paranoid. Please give me some help in understanding why men cheat, because I don?t think it is just me.   

  ANSWER:  

Your dilemma is one that is all too common. You are probably right when you say that it is not ?just me.?  It takes two to make a marriage or break a   marriage, and it takes two to have an affair. The fact that he has always been ?a flirt? suggests that, at one time, he was that way with you. You probably responded in a way that made him feel special, wanted, and needed, and reinforced his flirting behavior. This ties in with

 the first and main reason why men have affairs: to feed  their ego. The problem with us males is that feeling good about ourselves, or meeting our ?ego needs,? is our primary goal in life. Therefore, the first reason why men get involved in affairs is that it feeds their egos.

   The second reason is what we call ?misplaced anger.? For example lets consider the husband who is really mad at his wife for whatever reason. He may have an affair with some other woman as a way of making his wife ?pay. ? Instead of directing his anger toward her (which he may be afraid to do), or expressing the anger in a way that will help the relationship change, he just has sex with some other woman This action then feeds his ego (because someone else wants him), so he now feels good (physically and emotionally) and he doesn?t feel as angry with his wife. In his anger, he has made her pay.

   The third reason why men have affairs is boredom. The Bible (Proverbs 9:1 7) tells us  ?stolen melons are the sweetest,  stolen apples taste the best.?  In modem times this means that the ?grass is greener on the other side of the fence.? ?If I don?t have enough excitement in my life, I will create some.?

5 Reasons Why Men Cheat
on Their Wives

       1.  LOSS OF EGO
             A man?s primary need is to feel good about
             himself.  When he doesn?t he finds ways to
             meet this primary goal .

       2.   MISPLACED ANGER
              He may be angry at his wife but, rather
              than  deal with problem, he has an affair to
              ? make her pay?  

        3.   BOREDOM 
              Affairs are rarely boring; they tend to be
              exciting and full of life. Even the fear of
              getting caught causes excitement.  

        4.   ESCAPE FROM EMOTIONAL PAIN  
              The male sex drive provides a distraction
               or ?vacation? from emotional pain.  

      5.   NEED FOR NURTURE & INTIMACY
               If these needs are being met, men have
               no need to look elsewhere

 Children who are raised in alcoholic homes, for example, become what we refer to as ?adult children of alcoholics.? One key characteristic is that they become easily bored with life should it become too ?stable.?  
Children in alcoholic homes are raised with nothing being stable. As adults, they are then more comfortable in an unstable environment than in a stable one. This is why they become ?bored? and actually create chaos - because it is what is most familiar or comfortable to them. We all tend to repeat our past, whether that is a positive past or a negative past. If it was unstable then, we feel most comfortable in creating an unstable one now. 

The fourth reason why men have affairs is to escape emotional pain. Our sex drive is the second strongest drive within us -second only to self-preservation. Sex therefore can easily be used as a strong distraction from some emotional pain we do not want to feel. Few things in life are more intense than fulfilling this sex drive with a climax or orgasm. For this reason, a man can use sex as a way to distract him from emotional pain, like problems at home or work. It feels good to him physically, and he gets a vacation from the rest of his feelings of hurt and pain. This is why pornography is a multi-billion dollar industry. He can receive instant gratification just by looking at a magazine, the Internet, a video, etc., and have a secondary benefit of taking a vacation from some internalized emotional pain. 

The fifth reason is the desire for nurture and intimacy. A recent study from the Florida State University found that premature babies who were massaged by their mothers on a regular daily basis developed physically 60% faster than those who did not receive this extra ?touching.? We all need human touch. It is a special form of nurture. When men don?t feel nurtured and cared for by their wives, they will seek it elsewhere. Everyone, males and females need to be nurtured with touch.

[Terriergal]

Ok just so you are clear on that. ;-) I always wanted kids except when we first got married. Then I changed my mind within a few months. Hubby wasn't very interested in kids but was open to it.

That short period of time was the only time since I was 13 or so that I didn't want kids. And still, they are a surprisingly hard thing to deal with a lot of the time. They will take everything good you can give and more.

[UnBlinkingEye]

Me: Married couples have no reason to abandon their vows and every encouragement to sustain their families.

You: Except that they are inherently selfish human beings and must work to overcome that continually.

Well that's probably true, but my main motivation is to do whatever I can to be sure that my wife and children are safe and secure.

[Osinski]

I'm 22.

Explains everything.

[sandonca]

Re: Why do men cheat on their wives?

I read something on another forum. www.getromantic.com This person is a lot older than myself but I can see where he's coming from. My wife and I have been together for over 10 years and things do become routine. It also makes me feel good when an attractive woman notices me or flirts a bit.

That guy wrote this in his post:

Hey dude! Men who are in their late 30s, 40s and 50s sometimes go through what they called the "mid-life crisis". They've been married to the same gal for decades and the sameness becomes boring, predictable and unexciting. Along comes a young, sweet, gorgeous "thang" who smiles at you and pays you attention, something that your wife had stopped eons ago. You begin to feel "alive" again. You really perk up. You're like a high school boy once again. Never mind that you're 45 and she's only 23. She's got your heart's strings. You flirt and she flirts back. You've received a massive ego boost. You start to work out to get rid of the spare tire around your waist that a staid married life has caused. You dye your hair and wear it longer. You start seeing your dentist and have your teeth cleaned and bleached. You're now smiling more and singing in your heart. I've been there and done that. Older men need to be reassured that they're still desirable to women, especially young women.

[connectthedots]

As a 48 year old man whose wife recently left him (but not for another guy), I can assure you that there are many absolutely beautiful middle-aged single women out there, some who are 50ish and don't look a day over 35.

[Hillary's Lovely Legs]

Now the question is, why doesn't he do all that prepping and perking up for his wife, why does it have to be for a new chick. Maybe his wife was getting lazy because he was as well. He recognized what he had to do to get new chicks, he should have done it at home first.

[Ronin]

That sounds a bit Clintoid to me. You are rationalizing the definition of "is".

[sandonca]

Now the question is, why doesn't he do all that prepping and perking up for his wife, why does it have to be for a new chick. Maybe his wife was getting lazy because he was as well. He recognized what he had to do to get new chicks, he should have done it at home first.

Why not for "himself" too. Just feeling attractive and being fit makes one feel good. I think people get lazy and take each other for granted. Maybe this guy wanted to perk up before but didn't have the drive, because he knew his wife would accept him anyway. I think that's the way most of our society is. Once people get married and comfortable, they lose the drive to excersise and look good. Not everone, but a fairly large percentage.

[Vicki]

I bet it's what Camilla does in the bedroom. Always works.

[homeschool mama]

***As a 48 year old man whose wife recently left him (but not for another guy), I can assure you that there are many absolutely beautiful middle-aged single women out there, some who are 50ish and don't look a day over 35.***

:o) Obviously you posess wisdom that is far reaching to superficial trophy wife hunters.

(btw...your wife was a fool to leave...but I sure hope you're blessed in your present life)

[jamz]

If divorce isn't an option...why is infidelity? Monetary reasons? Agree to a finalized contract annulment (divorce)...then screw around.

[jamz]

What part of the contract exempted "sick"?

[Sloth]

Why do men cheat on their wives?

Because they're evil.

[poweqi]

You are a cheating idiot and I hope your wife reads FR.

I think men cheat because it's a phycologial disorder. My 1st husband cheated with everything that walked and at first I thought it was my fault then after time went by I realized it wasn't me. I could have been the Queen of Sheba and he would have STILL cheated. He is defective. AND on his 4th wife. My husband of the last 19 years has never cheated on me and I never cheated on him. Why? Because he is NOT defective!!Neither am I.

[Williams]

"It is easier to cheat than to keep your wedding promise, [etc.]"

One of the wisest things I have ever heard is that over time, you learn that the "easy" way is really the hard way, and the "hard" way is really the easy way.

This applies to just about everything in life.

[poweqi]

Excuse me but I did the nasty VERY nasty and it still wasn't good enough for #1. Some people are just physiologically effed up maybe like you? Sex is important and when the sex is good and they still cheat, what's the reason?