Brown University Hires Chief Wiggum To Track Down Shooter

The Bee ^ | December 17, 2025 | Staff

[Navy Patriot]

PROVIDENCE, RI — Leadership at Brown University, frustrated with the lack of progress in tracking the shooter who killed two students and injured many more on December 13, has reportedly recruited Police Chief Clancy Wiggum of Springfield to assist in the case.

"Two deaths and nine injuries — sounds like the work of rowdy teens!" Wiggum said in a press conference as he laid out his progress on the case. "I talked with the FBI profiler, and she said it was some lone nut, but that's nuts."

Chief Wiggum has been busy since arriving in Rhode Island just days ago. He's revisited the crime scene and traced the FBI's steps to check for anything they may have missed. He even re-examined the seemingly random patch of snow federal agents were famously photographed inspecting. "Snow is a blank canvas for crime, but like all modern art, it has to be interpreted," Wiggum said. "Unfortunately, the FBI has some terrible art critics. They wouldn't know a Picasso from a footprint."

To ensure no stone was left unturned, Wiggum ordered all snow in the vicinity of the university bagged for evidence. Sergeant Lou and Officer Eddie were brought in from Springfield to assist in sifting through it to rule out the involvement of any magical snowmen.

"Nobody suspects the snowman," Wiggum said, "They say he's got a jolly soul, but deep down he's got an ice-cold heart. Isn't that right, Lou?"

At publishing time, sources confirmed Chief Wiggum successfully tracked down an individual linked to the shooting. "Bake him away, toys!" he ordered his officers.

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TOPICS: Education
KEYWORDS: 2soon; babylonbee

[Navy Patriot]

It's only a matter of time, now!

[SmokingJoe]

They might as well hire Inspector Gadget too,

[Col Frank Slade]

Inspector Clouseau and Kato.

[mmichaels1970]

Assisted by Officer Barbrady

[Pete Dovgan]

Apparently, despite claims in the past that Brown university had more camera survillance that most of the world:
1. They have no video of the murders.
2. They have no audio of the murders.
3. Nobody knows if in the maze of the University if the murderer took a direct route.
4. Nobody has looked to see if the killer could be seen or identified by gait analysis walking around campus in the past or practicing for the crime.
5. Nobody can remember if they said something before the shooting.

This seems terribly unlikely that an institution that bragged about surveillance in the past, can’t manage to give moving video of the suspect. I hate to agree with conspiracy people, but it looks like an institutional cover-up or incompetence coverup, or both.

[stanne]

Can He speak eenglish? Because this guy can’t speak English. That would be a thing, in being the chief of police, I would think. But they don’t ask me

o Providence Chief of Police Oscar Perez.

[Deaf Smith]

Speculation is that Frank Drebin will be brought out of retirement to look over the case.

[ChronicMA]

let Chief Wiggum know that the shooter was spotted at Krusty Burger

[1Old Pro]

Nobody can remember if they said something before the shooting.

Nobody can tell us if it was a 9mm handgun or a long gun?

Nobody can add to his description.

These bright students at this elite school don’t seem too observant.

[SmokingJoe]

Conclusion?
The killer is probably black.

[Fiji Hill]

The killer is probably in Doha, celebrating with a glass of something his religion forbids.

[chopperk]

The Mayor and President of the Univ. need to be fired.

[Captain Peter Blood]

Would have been better off if they had hired Krull & Assc., they would probably have better luck.

[DownInFlames]

Nobody can check for fingerprints on 40 spent casings.

[Dacula]

Scrubbing bubbles...

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Apparently, despite claims in the past that Brown university had more camera survillance that most of the world:
1. They have no video of the murders.
2. They have no audio of the murders.
3. Nobody knows if in the maze of the University if the murderer took a direct route.
4. Nobody has looked to see if the killer could be seen or identified by gait analysis walking around campus in the past or practicing for the crime.
5. Nobody can remember if they said something before the shooting.

This seems terribly unlikely that an institution that bragged about surveillance in the past, can’t manage to give moving video of the suspect. I hate to agree with conspiracy people, but it looks like an institutional cover-up or incompetence coverup, or both.

[Rummyfan]

C3
@C_3C_3
Brown University has offered $0 as a reward to catch the shooter.

You read that correctly.

$0

The FBI offered the $50,000.

Brown University…

$8 billion endowment
$3.17 million a year salary for president
$180 million in taxpayer dollars per year

$0 for reward.

Unreal.

[Magnum44]

[1Old Pro]

Nobody can check for fingerprints on 40 spent casings.

Not to mention DNA

[Rummyfan]

Update:

BREAKING: Police Search for TWO Persons of Interest in Brown University Shooting

[Navy Patriot]

Thanks, Rummy!