Company Policy on Death While at Work
INTEROFFICE MEMORANDUM
To: All Personnel
From: The Management
Date: April 1, 1985
Subject: Standard Procedure on Death of an Employee
It has been brought to the attention of the management of this company that
many employees have been dying while on duty for no good reason. Furthermore,
it also appears that some employees are refusing to fall over after they have
died. This, in some cases, has resulted in unearned overtime payments which are
not provided for under our employee benefit program.
Effective immediately, this practice must be discontinued!
On and after today, any employee found sitting up after he/she has died will be
dropped from the payroll at once, without further investigation. This action is
covered by Company Regulation #20 (non-productive labor).
When it can be proven that the employee is being held up by a desk, typewriter,
drawing board, telephone, or any other means of support which is the property
of the company, a one (1) day period of grace will be granted.
In the event of apparent death, the following procedures will be strictly
adhered to:
1. If, after several hours, it is noted that any employee has not moved or
opened at least one eye, the department head will investigate. Because of
the highly sensitive nature and/or origin of some employees and because of
the close resemblance between death and their normal working attitude, the
investigation will be made quietly so as to avoid waking the employee if
he/she is asleep (which is, of course, permitted under present union
contracts).
2. If some doubt still exists as to the true condition of the employee, a
pay check will be used as the final test. If the employee fails to reach
for the check, it is reasonable to assume that death has occurred. Note
that in some cases the instinct is so strongly developed that a spastic
clutching may occur even after death; do not be misled by this
manifestation.
3. In the event that an employee fails to abandon whatever he/she is doing
at coffee break time, no investigation is necessary as this is conclusive
proof that rigor mortise has already set in.
OH man, I forgot about that oldie but goodie!
If your killer instincts are not clean and strong, you will hesitate at the moment of truth. You will not kill. You will become dead Marines. And then you will be in a world of ****. Because Marines are not allowed to die without permission! Do you maggots understand?
~~~Gunnery Sgt. Hartman
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Perhaps the Apartment Agency is being run by hard core Marines.