I know what you are going through. I have lost my mom and dad and a couple of sisters. I’m praying for you and since you have asked for prayers I know you still have faith. I’m going to be praying for your stepmom too. She sounds like a real angel. Your family is very lucky to have her.
Take your case to Christ. He is the only one who can truly help.
Wrap your arms around his Cross and hold on for dear life.
I know it sounds trite, but if you will, he will carry you through.
As the words from the hymn says, “He can do anything but fail!”
In the end, regrets must be put aside because there is no changing the past. Put everything into what you can do going forward. If you take that approach, you will soon realize that there is much that you can do to be a better and more loving person to those who matter to you.
In addition, check into Alzheimer's and dementia caregiver support groups. Talking through these kinds of issues with people who are also experiencing them can help. Also, you ought to take spiritual stock based on your faith. Prayer helps.
Finally, be assured that your father knew your faults and failures but loved you anyway. He long ago forgave you for anything that needed to be forgiven. You now need to forgive yourself.
Prayers for you and your family.
I’m sorry you are going through so much pain.
That was very courageous of you to open up like that on Free Republic. It appears you started a trend with other Freepers and their similar stories. There are a lot on this thread.
Anyhow, the good news is you are not alone in this. As you can read there are many other Freepers have similar or worse stories. You still have your family and your father too.
Here is what I can tell you I hope helps you in you out.
Take that leap of faith. I am talking about surrendering to our Lord, Savior and King Jesus Christ. I did in 2008 and it changed my life forever.
For the record in case you are thinking here comes some religious nut job. Haha! That’s hardly case. For the record, I’ve done the full circle when it comes to God. Grew up in a Christian family, learned about the Bible, went to church, but it slowly faded away over time. Never really believed it, found it boring, uninteresting and I could not relate it to my life. Nevertheless, I would still do it just in case I was wrong, and overall they had good messages. Eventually though I became an Atheist in my college years and was for a little over a decade after that.
However, I eventually came back to church after September 11th, 2001. At the time I did not have a strong relationship, but it was a lot better than before. It was not until I hit rock bottom and found myself desperately seeking answers. I took that leap one night because I became too worldly. Thought I could make things work doing it my way, and well yeah that was a disaster.
Nevertheless, when I really surrendered it really worked. When I mean “really” I mean I meant it in my heart. I just was not saying it and thinking it. I really meant it in my heart. That was the hard part for me. Why you might ask?
Well I remember all my life prior to this hearing and reading about others doing this, but just thought it was wishful thinking on their part and oh well that’s nice. Even in some instances I privately thought the people that said it had psychological issues. This was because I never experienced what they were talking about. It was foreign to me.
I learned how to mean it my heart. For instance, when I was a kid and my mother told me she loved me. I knew that in my heart. There was no question about it. I felt that in my heart. Well that’s how I learned to do it. KNOWING something is going to happen without any doubt. So applying that method along with words and thought is what made the difference.
Anyway, take that leap. Say it, think it and know it in your heart though Jesus Christ and your life will change. Don’t just think it or say it, but mean it in your heart (that 3rd part is so important and what most people miss). All you have to do is ask it, and will change your life for the better. It did that to me back in 2008.
Now do I still Sin? Yes absolutely. Humans will always Sin. It is in our nature. The difference is as a Christian you recognize it and ask for forgiveness vs before you might think about it for a minute, but that was it.
Now when you ask for forgiveness you have to mean it in your heart. God can read your hart and that is what counts. You can’t fool God like a get out of jail free card. If you have a struggle like everyone else on the planet, then you will need to continue to work on it.
28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Matthew 11:28-30
We can’t do this world on our own. Reach out to God though Jesus Christ and He will make life much better for you.
As for your father and his health here is what I know. Whenever we have a symptom or a disease (break it down to dis-ease of our body) then that is a sign we have nutrient deficiency. So if you flood your body with the missing nutrients. Things will turn around.
Here is what I hard read and heard. I am doctor, but you may want to look into this cheap fix. He needs to raw organic coconut oil hexen free daily, Nordic fish oil, Nascent iodine and a drink full of vitamins, minerals and trace minerals. Tangy Tangerine 2.0 will go a long way. It may take a couple weeks before you notice anything.
For you a B-Complex Vitamin will help you out a lot. Look into curcumin too. Heck get the Tangy Tangerine 2.0 for your self. You should notice a difference.
Again I am not a doctor. This is just what I read.
I'm sorry to hear about your dad's terrible illness and decline. I lost my own dad last August. He was 87, and I'm 65, so perhaps I was able to get through it a bit easier, knowing that it was about the right time for him to go anyway (if there is such a thing).
I won't try to counsel you, but I will say that I think you're doing the healthy thing by simply unburdening yourself by sharing your grief with us. I know from having recently gone through this loss, that it helps tremendously.
One thing that helped me more than anything else, was to just let the grief roll out of me. Like any typical guy, it took me a couple days to let myself go, but when I did, a torrent of grief came out of me. I haven't cried that hard in too long to remember, and it went on for hours. But when it was over, I was in much, much better shape, than in the few days since his passing.
After that I was able to function, and managed all the logistics to get myself to his service, some 1,500 miles away. I was also in good shape to handle the heavy grief of other family members during that visit, because I'd already exhausted my own.
Peace to you, my friend.
Dementia is a rough ride for the individual and family.
Make it a point to line up all the resources available to your Dad.
And don’t beat yourself up about opportunities lost. Spend whatever time you can with your Dad. And don’t get upset if he forgets your name. Mention the memories that bring a smile, and as frequently as possible.
I was 10 years older than you when we dealt with dementia. I know for sure that at 40 YO, it would have been more difficult for me. So I hear where you’re coming from.
BTW, when reaching for Dad’s resources (e.g., social services,) also ask about groups and counseling that focus on the family.
Prayers up. And feel free to FReepmail me.
I’m very sorry for all you’re going through. I know it’s a terrible time, as I’ve been through it.
I’m not an expert at all, but from what you’ve written here, it does seem that you’ve started the process of grieving, even though your father is still living. Regrets, feelings of despair and despondency, longing for what used to be — that’s all part of grief. Read and re-read Philippians 4:8, especially when you feel overwhelmed.
You’re strong and you will come through it, but it’s a process and can take a while. Even years later, you might have sadness come in waves. As you already know, you’ll need to rely on prayer, your faith in God. Having been there, I don’t know how anyone gets through it without faith.
I can understand your feelings of disillusionment about your priest. My pastor has warned many times not to let our focus be on people. We just have to realize the human condition for what it is and leave it in God’s hands.
As for counseling, maybe look for a church that offers grief support. There’s a large church in my hometown that, although they don’t offer one-on-one counseling sessions, they do have a grief support group that meets once a week - so maybe look for something like that.
Prayers that you’ll have peace of mind and heart during this difficult time.
I am not much for prayers of intercession which I find to be self-serving and demonstrate a lack of confidence that an all powerful God is already on the job.
However, two things come to mind. Faith and acceptance.
Faith is that belief that your father’s passing is not a mistake. That God has a plan and part of that plan is for your father to pass on to his eternal life and for you and his other family to glow in the remembrance of your love for him. His pathway is the disease you have described.
Acceptance is your reconciliation that it is not you that controls life and death, but God, and that since none of us know what is really in our own best interests, much less the interests of others, we need to let God’s will be done.
Definitely prayers up for you. I’m in your situation for the second time. My dad had Alzheimer’s for 7 years before he died 2 years ago. He also lost his speech. For the last 3 years he was an adorable adult size toddler. Very sweet and funny, but busy busy busy and hard for the caregivers to watch. We had 2-3 during the week for him and mom who also had dementia. Now that dad is gone, for the past 2 years I’ve been living with and caring for mom. It is extremely hard and you described a lot of it.
The people they were are gone. The advice, the adult conversations. Gone. And in fact when they die it isn’t the same horror of sadness as it would be if they had died when they were functional. It’s a confusing mourning, at least it was for me, because when Dad finally left, he had been gone so long already.
My mom was politically astute and conservative and bright. Now her broken brain discussed government the other day with “well, it’s a big country so of course we need a big government.” The her she once was, would hit her head on the wall to hear such a thing. She reads the LA Times front page and tells me the worst things about Trump or whatever. No frontal lobe discernment left.
It must hv been so hard to see your dad fail that Alzheimer’s test. When my dad failed it years ago at the doc office, my mom cried on the way home. Now she fails it 100% every time. Has no clue what day, month, season, year it is. Doesn’t know who is president. To me dementia is worse than any stage of any kind of cancer. I hope Gd looks kindly on me and spares my kids what I have been going through./
Hang in there. You are not alone.
So sorry. My dad died 15 yrs ago today at 71 and my mom is going to die any day.
Be happy that they going to a better place and you are their legacy on this earth; make them proud by living every day with integrity.
Tookme a while to adjust-several months- but you will adjust. Holidays were tough the first year or two.
God Bless,stay strong,day by day.
When we consider paths not taken in the past we forget to include the unknowns and we compare the real world path we took to an idealized perfect other one. We don’t know for example that the house we sold that later on was worth a fortune would have made us rich had we stayed there because if we had stayed there different things would have happened that maybe placed us in a tragic accident or maybe it would have burned to the ground from our faulty toaster, etc. you simply can’t know at all what a different past decision would have meant overall to your life. If you start thinking that way just take a mental off-ramp and put yourself in the present moment, the moment that will eventually become your past. That is the only past where you have power. Life is moments and stories.
I lost my dad (2012), mom (2014), son (2015), niece (2014) and cousin (2013) in the last few years. It is normal and real to feel as you do, and nearly unbearable.
You sound like you are doing the right things. It is a new chapter of your life that deserves its own space without being judged as better or worse than the past. It just “is”. A great piece of music wanders but has a recurring theme that returns and a rhythm that holds it together making it recognizable. Don’t lose that recognizable part of you that makes you “you” even under varying circumstances.
My wife is 78 and has stage 4 cancer. We found out two months ago. At the time, our primary care doctor told me she has four to six months, but she is certain God will restore her.
Bone mets ate almost through to her spinal column, and more in her hip, so she can’t walk.
She had ten days of radiation for each, finished a week ago but no relief yet.
I’ve been doing a lot of reading on line about the keto diet and cancer. She has no appetite, so there’s no real way to work it.
I read it may help with dementia:
https://universityhealthnews.com/daily/memory/ketogenic-diet-shows-promising-results-for-all-dementia-stages/
So sorry to hear what you’re going through. I lost both parents in 2013, my dad in February, 2013, from pneumonia (complications from dementia caused by alcohol abuse) and my mom in June, 2013 from stage IV cancer discovered 4 months prior.
I found out from experience, that there are no “checklists” or ordered steps to proceed towards a “solution.” You become exposed to many and sometimes few options and pick the best one and move forward with that until something else makes more sense. Maintaining their dignity, safety and security were paramount in all of the choices that I made for them. Becoming their “best friend” and “best advocate” is a role that you end up assuming as the requirements for care increase.
Some suggestions:
1. Check out the local Alzheimer’s Association’s resources—they are tuned in to all sorts of things to help out with Alz and other dementia related illnesses.
2. Check out your local or state office on aging or elder care—many resources available that you’ve already paid for via taxes. Things like respite care, which will give your step mom a “break” to get away for a few hours or a few days to recharge her own batteries, etc.
3. NOW is the time to make sure that powers of attorney, medical directives, etc., are known about and, if there are “coherent” periods of time, to make any needed changes to wills or final directives.
4. Home health care and assistance is available at fairly reasonable rates. When my mom needed assistance, I was able to hire help for her in the morning hours and also the evening hours so I could get away during the day to take care of the things that I needed to take care of.
5. Take care of yourself along the way. You are of lesser assistance to those needing help if you are struggling with your own well-being.
If there’s any good thing about dementia, it’s knowing with a fair amount of predictability that your family member is on the “decline” but how gradual or steep it is, can vary. Grief is a normal aspect of this decline and you will likely find yourself, as I did, grieving at somewhat random times (e.g. like at a red light while in traffic, after remembering a certain event, etc.). This is all normal and there is an “end” to that grief (post death) after time does, indeed, help to heal the pain.
I send my thoughts and prayers to you and, please realize, that many people are out there to help you with this challenge in life. Is it something that I would want to go through again...NO, but having had the experience and being able to help out both parents in the twilight and, eventually, at the end of their lives is something that I wouldn’t have wanted to miss. One step in front of the other every day and enjoy the new life that’s coming to your immediate family, too.
Straight ahead (on this winding path), and with kind regards and also faith and blessings.
(Please PM if you wish to)
Talk to a mental health specialist because they can help you understand what is going on and offer some good suggestions on how to cope with a hard problem.
Just lost my sister last year to dementia/heart attack. It is a hard burden to bear caring for them but my family pitched in and made a difference until the end.
Ease the strain on your mother. That is very important. Don’t bear any grief about what is going on. You couldn’t have don’t much about it as we learned.
Our prayers go with you and your family.
The problem is really two-fold it isn’t just your fear of your Father’s quickly failing health it is also dealing with your own fears because you soon realize that if such can happen to a strong, good man a Godly man what can possible stop it from happening to you?
The best thing you can do for him now is try to reach those strongest of memories, is there music you shared, places you have deep connection to (A park, beach, a drive). Stories and books you shared that you might now read to him. Reach out and try and kindle those deepest sparks of memory. Sharing such may not always reach him, but it will strengthen your own memories and you must now at times remember and love for the both of you.
Life I believe is a trial the Lord wants souls with him who have been tempered by adversity not just fat lazy sheep. Sometimes we must recognize that and our prayer should not be ‘Lord please take this bitter cup from my lips and force me not to drink’but should rather be ‘Lord give me the strength to quaff this cup and be a better man and servant for it.’
The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
We went through something similar with Hubs’ Dad last year. It’s tough no matter what. Being at home as long as possible helped BUT Mom had to have help coming in and that bothered her although she could not physically do it. Favorite music, and illustrated books and magazines about favorite subjects helped bring him back for a few minutes sometimes. Dad had “sun-downers” and would get agitated every evening. Most nights Hubs went up there or to the nursing home (at the end) to tell Dad that the cows were milked (the dairy herd had been gone for 15 years by then) and all the chores were done, so that Dad could calm down and get some sleep. He passed in his sleep due to pneumonia last year. Hubs is still down about it but we know Dad is in a better place. Absent from the body, present with the Lord. Praying for you.
Prayers for your father, you and your family.