Posted on 05/29/2018 10:14:29 PM PDT by DeweyCA
The perennial question of whether men and women can be just friends is finding new life among evangelical Christians. Evangelical author Aimee Byrd is promoting intimate friendships between opposite-sex Christians as a way to bond spiritually while modeling for the world that men and women can be close without having to worry about bad behavior and harassment claims.
Byrd has written a series of blog posts on the topic and promises to elaborate in her new book “Why Can’t We Be Friends? Avoidance Is Not Purity,” set to be released in late June. Not surprisingly, Byrd is no fan of the Mike Pence rule, which as practiced by the vice president means he won’t dine alone with a woman who is not his wife nor attend events serving alcohol unless she is with him. The rule is similar to practices the late evangelist Billy Graham, Christian pastors, business leaders, and others have used for years.
Echoing feminist critics of the rule, Byrd wrote in a recent article for First Things that the Pence rule has a “basis in fear” and “calls us to a kind of avoidance that will never comprehend purity.” Byrd’s article starts by detailing newly disclosed allegations of sexual abuse against megachurch pastor Bill Hybels.
But she doesn’t consider that abiding by the Pence rule may have spared Hybels from the trouble he’s in now. Instead, Byrd warns against “putting up fences” and tells men and women to practice Christian love. If you’re pure in heart and spiritually mature, you won’t go astray, her theory goes, ignoring the all-too-painful truth that those who fancy themselves above temptation are especially vulnerable to it.
Just Friend-Zone Everyone, and Then You’re Safe. Byrd believes love between opposite-sex Christians should mimic close relationships between biological siblings. For her, the biblical exhortation to love one another as brothers and sisters in Christ is not just metaphorical. Her unique interpretation has justifiably met with criticism. G. Shane Morris notes that the brother-sister metaphor is one of many in the Bible “meant to deepen our understanding of a single theological reality: our union with Christ and consequent union with one another in Him. To use them in ways not explicit (or at least implicit) in their context is to mishandle Scripture.”
Byrd has favorably compared spending time alone with her biological brother, which poses no threat to her marriage, to time opposite-sex Christian friends spend alone. Even though Byrd nuances her description by saying she doesn’t routinely meet alone with her brother, she misses the larger issue.
Biological siblings have a shared history and know each other’s likes and dislikes, their hopes and fears, and sometimes details of their brightest and darkest moments. For them, sex is never even potentially on the table. When platonic friends begin to build a history and share intimately, however, things can get dicey even if they don’t see each other daily, because as Harry and Sally showed us, the sex part gets in the way.
Emotional Intimacy Is Connected to Physical Intimacy. At the end of the classic movie “When Harry Met Sally,” the two singles end up happily married. But in real life, countless singles and marrieds have realized too late the pain that comes from oversharing emotionally and spiritually with someone they are not meant to be with. Has Byrd not heard of “emotional affairs”? Damaging in and of themselves, they can lead to inappropriate sexual relationships that further inflict pain on one’s self and others.
In my own life as a single, my intimate friendships with single men have ended amid confusion and heartache. But they needed to end, because without a commitment toward something greater, there was no room for the emotional and spiritual closeness to grow in a way that was truly satisfying. Marriage is about more than physical intimacy. It also is for emotional and spiritual intimacy, an intimacy that a platonic friendship can’t sustain.
We may not want sexual tension to be a feature of our lives as men and women, and we may think we can erase it by operating on a higher spiritual plane, but that’s not reality. God made us the way he did for a reason, and that means properly ordering our relationships. I’ve realized the necessity of limiting the amount of time I spend alone with single men if we aren’t dating, and I can’t fathom why I would call up or text a married man at church to see if he wants to hang out at the park to catch up on our lives. That’s what biological siblings do, not what opposite-sex metaphorical siblings in Christ should feel pressured to do.
This Doesn’t Mean No Friendship, Only Give It Parameters. Does this mean that I don’t have male friends, that I avoid men? Hardly. It’s not like there are only two choices here: intimate friendships or avoidance. Men and women can and do easily become friends primarily in group settings at church and elsewhere. There’s no need to become as emotionally close as a biological or adopted brother and sister to see these friendships as enriching.
Byrd writes, “The church has tried to be a godly voice in the midst of a world seduced by the sexual revolution. But often, the church has swung the pendulum too far to the opposite extreme, also over-sexualizing men and women, by imposing guidelines on not only friendship between the sexes, but even on acquaintanceship.”
While I can think of one or two cases of overreaction I’ve come across, and while I’ve read about stringent protocols in fringe fundamentalist groups, I hardly see this as a crisis in the mainstream. As a longtime regular churchgoer, and as someone who has lived in the Bible Belt for nearly 20 years, I’ve never known of serious problems between Christian men and women interacting in groups at church events, Bible studies, or out socially.
Some of the more extreme examples that Byrd strains to characterize as commonplace, such as admonitions against sharing an elevator with the opposite sex, I’m not familiar with at all. The problems I am aware of tend to be those that result from a lack of boundaries, not too many of them.
As for men who follow the Pence rule, it’s grossly unfair to portray them as having unreasonable hang-ups that cause them to want to avoid women. Setting guidelines for specific circumstances does not amount to carving the opposite sex out of your life completely. A follower of the Pence rule might decline lunch alone with a woman, but gladly catch up with her at a group event.
The Pence rule and similar boundaries aren’t about avoiding women entirely, they’re about avoiding situations that can put both men and women in awkward, potentially compromising situations. While I don’t follow a female version of the Pence rule to the letter, I wouldn’t be offended if a man—be he a co-worker, boss, or fellow church member—worked around meeting alone with me or invited a third person to lunch or dinner. If women want to be better friends with men, we need to show greater appreciation for where they’re coming from, and not be so quick to view the boundaries they set as a personal slight or a slight against women.
Safeguards Against Danger Are Simply Prudent. Byrd doesn’t seem to want to give men a say if their perspective contradicts hers, nor does she seem willing to give women who support measures like the Pence rule a fair hearing. Like secular feminists, she is adamant that such safeguards objectify women, reducing them to temptresses while reducing men to predators.
But scandals in Hollywood, Washington DC, and evangelical churches should tell us it’s wise to be on alert for those with less than pure motives, and to guard ourselves and others against temptations before we learn the hard way we or they can’t bear them. In addition, setting boundaries isn’t solely about preventing the worst-case scenarios that lead to adultery or land people in jail or plastered all over the news. It’s also about preventing intimacies with others that can tear at a marriage and leave singles feeling rudderless.
In her lofty theorizing, Byrd isn’t concerned enough about the real-life effects of what she’s proposing and the various ways it could go wrong. She writes, “Dealing with the sin in our own hearts, confessing temptations, offering them to God, and choosing obedience and holy, purifying love is much more difficult than avoiding people. Challenges should not be ignored. But they don’t mean we aren’t called to intimate sibling communion with one another. They just mean that we need to grow.”
In acknowledging the challenges, Byrd shared about a time she cautioned her husband about a woman she thought had more than friendship with him in mind. If only that would have inspired in Byrd a greater sensitivity toward tensions between men and women on a broader scale, and more circumspection before recommending intimate sibling communion for spiritual growth. Instead, we’re left mostly with feminist-like anger over common-sense boundaries that served many people well for ages but in more recent years have been coming undone.
Wendy Wilson is a teacher and writer in Nashville. She has a master’s degree in intercultural studies from Union University in Jackson, Tennessee.
Boobs just keep getting in the way...
Right? In my younger years my only male friends were gay or friends of my boyfriends. One platonic friend comes to mind because he wanted me but was too shy to admit it and we did hang out some, just as friends.
And yes, it’s awesome how you clearly are a woman’s man but so wonderfully taken, wardaddy. I think your wife is lucky. And your daughters are lucky too!
Jeremiah 17:9
The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?
Lord you can count on freepers to find something to scold over
I’m well aware of Satan and can just about promise I’ve seen his handiwork far more than the average freeper
I don’t desire other women....that was kind of the point
When that is not in play then it’s easy to talk to pretty women
I’m 60
Five kids
Not a great heart but I can still manage albeit with a patient wife who hasn’t forgotten how we were when she was still very young and looked like she was 17....I actually asked for her ID to be sure
I’m not some guy who throws away a 20 something year faithful marriage with a girl less than half my age
A marriage I’ve worked on btw through life’s curve balls but fidelity wasn’t one of our issues to work through and that fact and a great intimacy feel for one another will see you through the rough stuff some of which just hits you as a couple and family
I’d be single before I’d be so foolish to risk losing that over some strange
If I were single that would be different but I’m still old and know any relationship again would likely be with at least a 40year old.
Yaelle to her everlasting credit understood me ...women who are comfortable with men usually do
Being with only one girl this long was never Something I thought I could do....before I was a rascal at times although the 3 women I’ve loved I was faithful to but this time it’s actually easy
I have zero extramarital lust...she might but I dont
“Plenty of younger good looking women want sex with older men...and want to control them”
It happens when they “mistake the kindness for blindness”...
I’d like to believe that a younger good-looking woman really could fall in love with an older man, but if she thinks that man is a fool with his money and his women, she will not be in love, she’ll be “engaged”. The more these men realize this as being a possible scenario, the more those women should be getting shown the door before they ever have a chance at doing significant damage.
My church’s pastors follow the pence rule, and for good reason. It’s too easy for a false accusation to be leveled.
True dat.
I spent a lot of time in my early twenties in the friend zone. It can happen.
I have preordered Aimee Byrd’s book, because I am very interested in how she makes her case. I will not say whether I agree or disagree with her argument until I have seen it.
Regarding the Bible, St. Paul told Timothy to treat older women as mothers and younger women as sisters, “with absolute purity.” (1 Tim. 5:2) It is reasonable to assume that St. Paul considered this a reasonable instruction, that Timothy could, fortified by the Holy Spirit, do so.
I agree that, according to the info in the article — I haven’t read the book, that Byrd seems to be naive and has a flawed view of men.
It’s simple: if a man finds a woman attractive, it’s exceedingly difficult to be “just friends.”
On the other hand, I have a woman friend I find physically attractive not at all. She’s very smart, sharp, quick-witted and a wonderful person in every way. We can be friends forever.
Oh, and the “Pence rule” is the result of ages of wisdom.
Caution, wardaddy, caution. ;-)
Then there is the “challenge” thing...
Ridiculous. The writer clearly wanted to make a husband out of her male “friends” and was frustrated when that didn’t work out.
Men and women are friends all across America and it works just fine. Really a natural offshoot of how men and women so often work together without issue.
Now, if one of the two has wishes or intentions for more than friendship in the relationship, that will become problematic. But it should be pretty obvious that that is not necessarily always the case.
And those in a monogamous relationship with someone else should keep their “friendships” doubly limited in scope out of consideration for their partner. But that should be obvious.
The thing that should drive most relationships is the fear of reaching the time when you need a caregiver, and who that caregiver could be. This usually happens after sex. Years after.
To answer your question, in a word: YES.
I can only be friends with fat and ugly chicks. Biology and chemistry override my sense of decency.
It’s simple when you aren’t thinking about sex but just listening to them and admiring their awesomeness respectfully.
Had a buddy who called this the "no pressure" scenario. You have no desire to ask the girl out so you're under "no pressure" to impress her. So you just act yourself.
If you were trying to impress her all of a sudden you couldn't string together three words!
Add a woman in any group starts the catty behavior. Dr. Laura stop her show once and stated that women create 95% of all the problems in families. If you create the problems, it is hard to have relationships.
Dear Mrs. Web says:
...there are no real friends in former lovers - just one wounded person and one guilty one.
http://dearmrsweb.com/Mrs%20Websters.htm
And why do they have a "thing" for older men? Primarily financial stability.
I'm 55, been on the dating scene again for the last 18 months and I'm not sure, but I think I've pretty much seen it all. I'm a pretty average looking guy and I've been hit on by women as young as 37. The last one being a 45 year old woman from China who's been here since she was 15 and owns three of her own businesses. She's financially stable herself, an attractive woman and honestly could probably have about anyone she wants.
So why do these women like older men? I'm thinking it's because we're financially set. One other factor does come into play: there are more available women then there are men. I know there are quite a few widow's starting in the early to mid 40's through their 60's as well. Competition for quality men here is pretty high.
By the way, no I wouldn't date the 37 year old. I have a rule: anyone who's young enough to be my daughter I just won't give a second look to and I'm having a difficult time reconciling dating a 45 year old at my age.
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