Travel Tips for Geezers

email from a friend | 5/22/2018 | unknown

[sodpoodle]

Retirement Choices: You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where…

1. You are willing to park three blocks away from your house because you found shade. 2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl. 3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town. 4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food. 5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door at 500 degrees. 6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

OR:

You can retire to California where... 1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house. 2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway 3. You know how to eat an artichoke. 4. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is. 5. The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud and Drought.

OR:

You can retire to New York City where...

1 You say, "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan. 2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map. 3. You think Central Park is "nature." 4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual. 5. You've worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car.) 6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression

OR:

You can retire to Minnesota where...

1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup. 2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas. 3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole. 4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons. 5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair. 6. The highest level of criticism is "He is different," "She is different," or "It was different!"

OR:

You can retire to The Deep South where...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store. 2 "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural. 3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense. 4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, etc. 5. Everything is either: "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder.” 6. You can say anything about anyone, as long as you say "Bless his heart” at the end!

OR:

You can move to Colorado where...

1 You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car. 2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center. 3. A pass does not involve a football or dating. 4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

OR:

You can retire to Nebraska or Kansas where...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name. 2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor. 3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day. 4. You end sentences with a preposition; "Where's my coat at?"

OR:

FINALLY, you can retire to Florida where...

1 You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon. 2 All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars. 3 Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist. 4 Road construction never ends anywhere in the state. 5 Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

[sodpoodle]

or Hawaii where you can be splashed with lava!

[duckman]

“5 Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.”

Used to see a lot of old guys like that on the NJ Turnpike heading north to the ‘Alps”. Usually driving a new Caddie smoking a big old cigar. At 60 mph driving behind one of these guys I could smell their cigar smoke in my car!

[publius911]

What happened to California?

[TNoldman]

Ping

[Bodega]

or Pennsylvania where you get stuck behind a 3 mile line of traffic on a major road behind a cabbage wagon.

[Gay State Conservative]

You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

IIRC you take the A Train...and Wisconsin is just east of Kansas.

[lucky american]

In NH where everyone is friendly and waving until you figure out they’re swatting black flies.

[lucky american]

In NH where everyone is friendly and waving until you figure out they’re swatting black flies.

[wbarmy]

You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.

North Dakota!!!!!! Every year in the summer; get up in the morning, heat the car, drive home with the AC blasting.

[oldasrocks]

You could move down here to Missouri where after 7 am in the summer the temp is called WILT from the humidity. Where if you stand still you will be covered in seed ticks, eaten by chiggers and skeeters. Where you have to mow daily as the grass faster than you mower can cut. Where major highways wear out your tires trying to follow the curves in the roads. and going North, South, East and West on the same road is normal. If you live in the country you have to build your chicken pen varmint proof and that includes bears.

[DoodleDawg]

Kansas no. 5: You sit on your porch watching for the funnel cloud when the warning sirens go off yet strip the grocery stores of bread and milk at the threat of 2 inches of snow.

[deweyfrank]

Thanks for the morning laugh.

[Dad was my hero]

6, cars in Florida don’t come with turn signals.

[sodpoodle]

Ahh those New Yorkers;)

Here is NY in 1911 - long video, but exceptional photography.

https://www.chonday.com/30266/

[Gay State Conservative]

Yup,seen videos of that kind before.Fascinating IMO.It was only a few years ago that I took my first ride on the Staten Island Ferry and found that you get just about the best possible view of the Statue of Liberty during the ride.When I'm there on nice days I make it a point to ride the ferry just to see the Statue.

[Not gonna take it anymore]

Thanks for the link. I didn’t see any fat people, did you?

[sodpoodle]

***I didn’t see any fat people, did you?***

Exactly - walking vs. riding is the reason;) And all well-dressed....including the children.

There apparently were no traffic lights - so everyone exercised common sense and good manners.

That was really ‘Old York’ - ‘New York’ appears to be very different;)

[cgbg]

The dresses—omg—how many layers of clothing were underneath the dresses?

[Conan the Librarian]

“You can retire to The Deep South where...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store. 2 “Y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural. 3. “He needed killin” is a valid defense. 4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, etc. 5. Everything is either: “in yonder,” “over yonder” or “out yonder.” 6. You can say anything about anyone, as long as you say “Bless his heart” at the end! “

Almost totally wrong, except for the DVD thing and Y’all and All Y’all (which you spelled correctly I may add).

Another thing you can add to the list. You can buy a sail boat and sail off. If where you are is warm, you sail to where it is cool. Too cool? Sail to warmer. Don’t like the neighbors, sail away. Don’t like the food, sail away.

I have 25 more months and this is what we are doing.

[catnipman]

“When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.”

true in all of the rocky mountain and great plains states as well.

giving driving information in miles is a east coast thing ...