Posted on 03/01/2018 10:01:53 AM PST by sodpoodle
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent. 2. It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it. 3. There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn’t control his pupils. 4. The one who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize. 5. He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends. 6. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor. 7. A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired. 8. Some people’s noses and feet are built backwards: their feet smell and their noses run. 9. Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed. 10. What is the difference between a nicely dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? A tire.
the all time funniest one is:
Time flies like an arrow- fruit flies like a banana
Q: What’s the difference between a vitamin and a hormone? A: You can’t make a vitamin. - Benny Hill
That is a great one and I use it a lot but most people don't get it at all and just look at you funny.
The parents of a lady potato wanted her to marry someone special. But she fell in love with Bill O’Reilly instead. The parents disapproved. After all, he’s just a common-tater.
A weasel walks into a bar.
“Wow!, you’re the first weasel I’ve ever had in my bar. What can I get you?”, asks the bartender.
“Pop”. goes the weasel.
The funniest puns occur accidentally.
As someone known for bad jokes, I can tell you that when I pun by accident it is much better received.
I thought one of these would make me groan. No pun in ten did.
And how do you make a hormone? 😄
I miss Benny Hill. Whenever I have to move something with a two-wheeler I think of him, and kazoo music.
My pig got a little sunburned, so I applied some oinkment.
My Granddad used to say that God never meant people to fly. He based this on the passage that reads: “Low, I be with you always.”
I was having dinner with a World Chess Champion in a restaurant with checkered tablecloths. Took the guy an hour to pass me the salt.
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If you don’t read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. — Mark Twain
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The day it all started was March 6, 1836. On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo and walked up to the observation post along the west wall of the fort.
William Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall. These three great men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving towards the Alamo.
With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said, “Jim, are we, by any chance, having any landscaping done today?”
My granddad told a story about a fellow he worked with back in the 70s. It was in Venezuela when he worked for their big oil company. His friend, who spoke an amazing number of languages and dialects too, was from there and his family too for some generations, though they were ethnic Germans.
One day his friend got pulled over for speeding and the Federal Patrol Officer asked him the standard: “Do you know how fast you were going?” (only in Spanish, natch) when the man summoned a confused look and said: “Yo no fume Espanol.”
The cop just sort of got a slackjawed expression, shook his head sadly and walked back to his car — finally waving him on.
I bet he had something to say about the idiot gringo he encountered back at the station house!
Don’t pay her (or him, as the case may be).
[[but most people don’t get it]]
That’s whi it’s so great- when it dawns on them what it means, they usually bust out laughing
She was only the stableman’s daughter, but all the horse manure,
Punch her in the stomach.
True story:
Some years back, I was talking to a friend at work, and he was having trouble finding his scissors.
I helpfully offered this...
“Oh, they must have cut out”.
Boy, did I get a dirty look!
Lol
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