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In my youth wine was divided into three groups:

1. Guinea Red. Undrinkable Italian wine.

2, Christian Brothers and their knockoffs, serious wino stuff.

3. Some very poor Frog and Kali wines you used to impress you main squeeze.

Yep.

In college, I took this girl to a fancy restaurant.

I ordered some wine.

They had this guy come over and open the bottle of wine for me. Usually, I’d just crack the neck of the bottle against the side of the table to open it, but, this was a fancy place. No sporks or nothing.

Turns out this guy was a sum-a-liar or something like that and he was some kind of wine expert. So was my Uncle Dave.

He pulls the cork on the bottle and hands it to me.

I says, “What do I look like....a garbage can?”

I threw the cork at him. Hit him right in the eye.

He’s standing there all teary-eyed telling me I’m supposed to sniff the cork.

Well, I know that in big cities they sniff stuff, but I wasn’t going to go to jail.

I told him to sniff his own dang cork.

He just shook his head and put the bottle of wine on the table and walked away mumbling something about “uncultured jackasses” or something.

Wasn’t a bad bottle of wine.

I asked them to put some 7-Up in it.

All the employees came out to see who ordered that.

I was pretty famous there for awhile.