Posted on 01/15/2017 11:38:16 AM PST by Hillbilly sage
For those unfamiliar with Medicare, let me first explain a term. To participate in this program, you must have a "Primary Physician". Physician, of course, means someone that has successfully completed the required course of study at a University somewhere in India. Primary refers to the person solely responsible for income redistribution. They run up charges, then refer you to every specialist and laboratory in the area to get theirs.
On a visit to my Primary Physician, she informed me that due to a highly elevated PSA, an appointment had been scheduled for me to have a prostate biopsy with a local Urologist. For male readers of this post, let me suggest that if your doctor mentions this to you and you have an option, choose waterboarding instead.
To prepare for this ordeal it is necessary to starve yourself and drink mass quantities (about 17 gallons, it seemed) of liquids that were never intended for human consumption. Being raised on a farm, I recognized the odor of one and told my wife that I wished they had left it in the horse.
The big day came and I arrived at a nice office, checked in and sat down in the waiting area. A short time later, this gentleman approached me, stuck out his hand and said, "I'm Dr. Doug". I shook his hand and replied, I'm patient Steve, how the heck are you? On our way to the back he told me that we would have a short wait while they sanitized the probe, then added, "Don't know why they have to do that because we both know where I'm going to stick it". Being me, I quipped, "Must be a lunar probe". He quickly responded with "On no, its Uranus probe"
We talked for a little while waiting for the hot poker to cool somewhat and he noticed my USMC ring. He said the he was also a Jarhead having retired as a Captain. He further explained that while he had wanted to be a brain surgeon, he only started medical school when he left the Corps and was so far behind that he ended up at the "rear".
I was then dressed in a "humiliation gown" and asked to lie down on a table on my side. It was at that point his pretty assistant entered the room. When I saw her I wondered if some child labor law had been violated. They stood behind me and he told her of our probe banter. She said the she believed that I was correct because all she saw was the " moon".
All humor left that room when he fired up that front end loader and proceeded to drive it straight up my rear end. When he finished his work, he commented that I was the first patient he ever had that did not flinch once while he gouged 12 pieces out of my prostate. I took it as the compliment intended and did not think it necessary to explain "Fear Paralysis ".
When I arrived home, my first thought was food, so I fixed me a plate and sat down in front of the TV. A Fox News medical expert was explaining breaking news about the procedure I had just endured. The National Institute of Health had just released an extensive study that concluded the procedure itself may pose greater health risks than the cancer it was designed to detect.
You are top tier writing talent. I was just making a tasteless bottom tier joke regarding your “moon shot”.
Hope you get a good report/ well soon.
Thanks for your second reply, there was nothing wrong with the pun in the first. I just had a temporary flat-line in my EEG. Butt I’m glad we got to the bottom of it.
Interesting thread, this. I had my first colonoscopy this very morning, at age 61. Eleven polyps, and I have to go back to get one removed that the doctor couldn’t or wouldn’t get during the procedure. No word yet on malignancy.
Didn’t much care for the prep, but it was no worse than a few occasions during the couple of years I worked in Mexico, and didn’t involve stomach pains or vomiting (or Mexican bathrooms).
I had a colonoscopy 2 years ago after the first 5 years before. Clipped 27 polyps. None malignant. My last one found 2 small ones. Said to come back in 5 now.
Hi, Yaelle,
I’m replying to this thread late, I know...but in regards to your statement about not needing a colonoscopy if you eat right, you’re mistaken. I’ll tell you why.
My mom was a vegetarian her entire life. She ate nothing but organic grains and legumes, eating recipes from Adele Davis, Dr. Pottenger and Diet For A Small Planet.
Nevertheless, she got colon cancer, which metastized into liver cancer and she died nine months after her diagnosis.
Her doctor told her that if she had had a colonoscopy the cancer would have been caught in time...she would still be alive if she had done that one simple step.
Every time I see someone praising all the health food and supplements lifestyle I always tell them about my mom. It may have some benefit, but it ain’t magic, and it certainly isn’t foolproof.
See ya’,
Ed
My PSA was so low, it came addressed “Dear Mrs AppyPappy”
You have a huge point. There will always be outliers and exceptions. I am
So
Sorry about your mom.
Some Vegans though miss the boat by eating a ton
Of
Pufas and rancid seed
Oils (all
Seed oils
Are
Rancid pretty much). Canola
Alone can be a killer. How
Clean your fats are makes a big difference too.
Still not
Going to
Get
One. But what a heartbreak. I’m
Sorry.
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