Posted on 12/21/2016 9:19:54 AM PST by CGASMIA68
LOL! LOL! LOL! Good one.
One of the idiosyncrasies of growing up in suburban America in the 50’s and 60’s was the monster craze. It was arguably the golden years for monster and horror movies, monster magazines, and even monster models.
Living in whitebread suburbia meant that we had to find our own thrills because things leaned toward, shall we say, the bucolic.
So when Sammy (not his real name), son of a prominent funeral home owner/operator invited us to spend the night at the home, some in the gang actually contemplated it. “It’ll be great!” Sammy exclaimed. “We can look at all the stuff and do whatever we want!”
It was the last part that troubled me. I had heard stories about Sammy and his father’s “house of death”. Whispered stories with tons of innuendo but not much fact. I wasn’t old enough to know about necrophilia but instinctively the hairs on the back of my head stood up and I (and the rest of my friends) declined.
Several years later I read a piece in the local newspaper about Sammy and the clients of the funeral Home. Several years after that I again read about Sammy - this time that he had been convicted of child rape. More than one.
Some monsters don’t wear costumes...
True story:
My father in law died. A great guy. Died 13 years ago. I miss him still.
He had pre-arranged and prepaid his own funeral. However the funeral director was trying to upsell a nicer casket than the one my FIL had selected. I kept saying “No thanks”.
“But look” the guy said; “this casket comes with a LIFETIME GUARANTEE!”
My wife groaned. She knew what was coming. I was gonna have a ball!
“WHO’S LIFETIME?” I demanded. “As you can see - Mr. Thurmond here is DEAD. His lifetime is over. Done.”
“Maybe you mean MY lifetime? Yeah? Maybe in 20 years I’m gonna dig him up to ascertain the viability of this ‘Lifetime Guarantee’”?
My wife kept saying “Let it go. Just stop”.
I find humor where I can. Even in a funeral home.
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral, all of his hospital colleagues attended.
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. There wasn’t a dry eye in the audience.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter, causing puzzled and dirty looks to be directed his way.
When confronted later, he said, “I’m sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I’m a gynecologist.”
Listening to this, the Proctologist colleague fainted.
That’s a tough dating scene. You have to think inside the box.
Truth is stranger than fiction. Carolyn Jones who played Morticia Addams was only 53 when she died of colon cancer.
“I LOVE THE DEAD” by Alice Cooper
I love the dead before they’re cold
Their bluing flesh for me to hold
Cadaver eyes upon me see
Nothing
I love the dead before they rise
No farewells, no goodbyes
I never even knew your now rotting face
While friends and lovers mourn your silly grave
I have other uses for you, darling
I love, I love, I love, I love, I love, I love
The dead, the dead, the dead, the dead, the dead
I love the dead
I love the dead
I love the dead
I love the dead before they’re cold
Their bluing flesh for me to hold
Cadaver eyes upon me see
Nothing
ha!
They approach it and are amazed at the size of it.
The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?"
The second hunter says," I don't know. Let's throw somethin' down there, listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter says, "Hey, there's an old automobile transmission over there. Give me a hand, we'll throw it in and see."
So they pick it up and carry it over and count one, two, three and heave it in the hole. They are standing there listening, looking over the edge, when they hear a rustling behind them. As they turn around, they see a goat come crashing through the underbrush, run up to the hole and, without hesitation, jump in headfirst.
While they are standing there staring at each other in amazement, peering into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer saunters up.
"Say there," says the farmer, "You fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you ?"
The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' bout a hunnert miles an hour and jumped . . .headfirst into this here hole!!"
The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible .......
I had him chained to a transmission."
Let’s hope this thread is
DEAD!
That is the best CLEAN goat joke ever! Lol! Maybe the only clean goat joke?
Eeeww.
Actually, I’ve met some morticians and they say this is the most common question they get.
Its like asking your Dentist if they’ve seen Marathon Man.
Nothing like getting the Cold Shoulder.
LOL, it is getting there!
HAHA!!
Hahaha...I have a Dentist friend who when I asked that, looked at me with a gleam in her eye and said “Yes! Oh, when is your next appointment?”
(Actually, her favorite dentist related movie is “Finding Nemo”...she says the dentist part is very accurate!)
A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?' About 90 students raise their hands.
Well, that's a good start.
Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?' About 40 students raise their hands.
That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?' About 15 students raise their hand.
Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?' Three students raise their hands.
That's fantastic.
Now let me ask you one question further. Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'
Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.’
The Afghanistan student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'
Ahmed replied, "Shit, from back there I thought you said ‘Goats’”.
And then, there's the old one about how I want to die like my 98 year old grandfather did - peacefully in his sleep -- not in screaming terror like the passengers in his car.
Magnificent. Your delivery (”my wife knew what was coming”) made it even better.
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