Posted on 11/28/2016 10:34:54 AM PST by JamesP81
I need prayers for myself.
My wife got upset at something someone at church said. Yeah, I know, old story. This is in addition to a litany of other complaints she has that boils down to "I don't have any friends" and "I'm angry and jealous towards people who have things I want that I don't have." As you can imagine, those two are related.
She is refusing to go to our church. While I could (and did consider) putting my foot down on the issue, I believe it would've done more harm than good to our marriage. Sometimes people need to learn things the hard way for themselves by experience.
Still, I had to walk away from some low level leadership positions and a lot of friends. My friends aren't letting it come between our friendships, but it's still bitter for me and disappointing for a church that placed trust in me.
I'm trying really hard to not adopt a position of throwing my wife under the bus, but it's hard not to. She's brought all of this upon us.
I'm tired and emotionally drained from all this. Pray for my emotional healing and for my wife's instruction, that she would learn the things she needs to learn. For that matter, also that I'd learn the things I need to learn.
Also, for my (soon to be former) church. The church itself is struggling in many ways, and I love the people there. Breaks my heart to see what's going on. Breaks it more to leave the battle for reasons I have almost no control over.
We tried a different church but it didn't work out. All of my friends are at the other church and at 54 years old we just aren't making new friends. So I have had to apologize to my wife for getting upset and taking her away from that church. I've pointed out over and over that the original offense was offensive BUT ALL TRUE. "Faithful are the wounds of a friend". My wife is slowly getting more comfortable with going back to our old church and even volunteered us to cook a turkey for Tgiving.
If your wife is simply coveting other people's things you could apologize for not showing her the scripture that says "Thou shalt not covet" or the one that says "Be satisfied with such things as you have for I have told you I will not leave your nor forsake you". "Be anxious for nothing but in all things with prayer and thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God".
So now my next huge problem is my 8 kids. They are in such spiritual disarray it just makes me cry!
Again, I take the blame. People warned me about owning a TV and listening to rock music and all other things worldly but I resisted. :-(
We faced a problem like that, and started a prayer group to pray for the church for one year. At that point we left after my wife sent a letter to the pastor. That was a good step, because I would not have been nearly as gracious.
I hear you brother. I had similar experience with God. Amen.
But let me ask you this. You say:
“The uncaring truth is that my wife’s problems are outside of my control.”
You and your wife are one flesh. How can it be “outside of your control”?
At some points in time, “CHURCH” can become detrimental to
a couple. Husband was for so many years very “ANAL” about
“church”. It finally became too much of a good thing. He
was elected a deacon, the beginning of the creation of a
monster. - Things in general just got out of hand. He
taught Sunday School - only trouble was that most Sundays
he only had one student show up - a teenage girl who got a
crush on him and became very possessive. He was totally
blind to her antics. - I simply just left there & made the
best of it for several months. He kept getting more & more
deeply mired in it to the point of obsession, even got to
where he had a crush on the singer at church. (He is not
physically able to say grace to affairs in any event and
finally had to leave there of his own volition.) I do not
make demands on him after many, many years of marriage.
We are both old and that is long a thing of the past by
necessity.
When we finally settled on a church; a deacon in that
church & his wife both attended separate churches amicably
in a “live & let live” manner with no rancor or discord
about it. It worked for them. After a few years there, he
passed away; and I still haven’t met his wife. At the
visitation, she just happened to have stepped out at the
time.
There are a few things in life to get constipated about;
but CHURCH is NOT one of them. (The preacher at that
first church to which I referred was a CONTROLLER and
almost initiated a DIVORCE for us due to his need to
RULE. He actually USED sinful means to manipulate my
husband; considering me as being “rebellious” and
“resistant” to his control & not considering that I ALSO
WORKED and earned at least PART of the money my husband
was giving the church. To him, I was NOBODY.)
I have prayed for you . Yet dont leave the church, she is manipulative and frankly a brat. This has been years in the making where you chose appeasement over confrontation. She doesnt respect you or your leadership. Don’t fold to her will or it will be something else next month. Tell her when people ask where she is, you will tell them the truth... Don’t cover for her behavior.... if that is called “throwing her under the bus... then so be it.... You need to chose if you are going to be a broken man..... Prov. 21:9
HA you are wrong! Shitty behavior from family members is not acceptable just because theyre family.... Its what got him into this situation. He has probably bowed to her whining most of their lives I imagine.
This seems like the correct answer. If the wife objects, then she is showing you a complete lack of respect. Has she done this kind of thing before? Sounds like it.
I honestly don’t think in the long run standing by her and giving up basically what was your chosen family will help your marriage. It will possibly rupture it completely.
I’m not a huge fan of marriage because inside I am a dreamer who wanted to give and love and yet allow plenty of freedom and I was not met with the same unselfishness. So take what I say with a grain of salt. I still love the idea of marriage.
Best example I can come up with for you is someone I know, a man, whose wife didn’t like his family. Her dislike was irrational, not based on anything but typical idiosyncrasies. Which all families have. Not that his family was unkind or making meth in the basement or something real. She didn’t like their quirks. Anyway, after several years of marriage she wanted nothing more to do with his family and all but shut them out. Treated them poorly unless she could make it appear she was magnanimous without any effort. Gave husband an ultimatum to ditch his family and he chose to cleave to her. Cut out his own family except for quick solitary visits. They didn’t last many years. They are now going through a divorce.
I think you could do with counseling, neutral - not a pastor from either church, I mean. Just to have someone else in the room explain to your wife that she is asking you to give up your friends and social world. I do not feel it is fair of her to ask that. You have demonstrated your loyalty by doing this but the way this has left you is worse than the initial insult she felt.
Sounds harsh but: spouses die (or even divorce). Friends and an active social circle become VERY important. I think she has asked too much of you.
Will pray you guys work this out.
Hey, I agree that prayers are for thanking God but I they are also for asking for what we need.
Matthew 7:7 Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:
8 For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.
9 Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone?
10 Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent?
11 If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?
I am very sorry for all your losses.
I have an acquaintance who talks the same way and wonders why she has no friends.
It’s very difficult just dealing with her on a casual social level.
My heart goes out to you and I will pray for you. I’m sure you don’t need to be given any advice. I’m betting you’ve heard it all before so I doubt I could tell you anything new.
Her change needs to come from within and that will only be a work of God in her life.
I know you will need to read through all of this and get some aggregate sense of a good direction.
Before I comment, which seems to be where everyone is on the thread, let me go back to your initial request: Prayers. I offer a prayer for you and your wife as a couple in your search for worship, thanksgiving and salvation.
“As a couple” is important in my prayer as you made it important in your description of the situation. You acted based upon your concerns for your wife in marriage — I congratulate you as we men are often centered on our own perception of outside issues. Internal issues lead to the eternal for me; my wife and I are one in worship and asking for salvation. We left a church where we were very involved, had dozen good friends and about ten friends that were some of the best we had had in adulthood. We left due to schism and my wife was more repelled than I was. It took a few years to find a church that we liked as well.
I found a new church when we moved, it was right for her I believed and so it turned out to be. We are both very happy with it and I get what is most important to me: unity in worship and our efforts to be worthy of God’s love.
Prayers are offered but also a good handshake for taking care of your wife.
Is this a one-time thing or does your wife create issues with many or all relationships? We were friends with a couple and the wife made it impossible for the couple to retain any long-term friendships. Any small thing could set her off and she’d make it a Big Deal. Her poor husband had to let go of a social life. (She passed away in 2001 and he’s married to a different “type” now.)
If it’s a theme, she needs to get some help.
Churches can be petri dishes for nastiness. Dad was a minister and the stuff I’ve seen over my life time has been dreadful. My husband couldn’t believe all the stories.
You guys with your flip attitude, baseless assumptions, and easy answers are not helping at all.
This is serious for the one going through it. Going to a kooky charismatic church is NOT going to solve her problems. They go far deeper than will be remedied by going to a noisy church.
All you guys are doing is making light of the issue and invalidating the struggle he and his wife are having.
Your situation seems very similar to my family situation, except I was the wife who had a husband who wanted to leave because he had issues with our church (by hanging around a critic who “poisoned” him.”)
One of the hardest things I have ever done was leave that church—they were like family to me. We had been members over 20 years; my spouse and I met and were married there—I really felt my husband was “in the wrong” by wanting to leave. I struggled with bitterness toward for about two years leading up to the time we left.
One day (prior to our departure), I was reading a book on marriage and the author pointed to the Book of John when Jesus washed the disciples feet at the last supper (including Judas—knowing what was in his heart).
John 13:3-5 “Jesus knowing that the Father had given all things into his hands, and that he was come from God, and went to God; He riseth from supper, and laid aside his garments; and took a towel, and girded himself..and began to wash the disciples’ feet.”
I was able to see a different perspective than just having to leave a church that I really loved. I learned that being Christ-like is serving or preferring those with whom I disagree (or even doing something that was hurtful to me). I was able to see the betrayal that Christ felt (on a much smaller scale) and yet still love and serve and prefer my spouse.
Four years later, I can honestly say that my marriage is the best it’s every been. We are closer and are more considerate of each other. Yes, we are at a different church, and I don’t have many friends there. But, the transformation of our marriage is just short of a miracle.
I’ll definitely be praying for you—it’s very easy to become bitter.
You know, that was interesting in t.he context of Hillary Clinton using the dread game the populace. For example- her behavior on election night, her recount game with Jill stein ( another dread gamer) and probably more that I don’t have time to think of right now
after reading this post I’m responding to, I am doubling down that your decision to give up all your friends there will prove the beginning of the end of your marriage.
Now she thinks children will solve her social problems? Uh oh. Be careful.
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