I figured them out...
When they say no, it means yes... until it REALLY means no, but they may change their mind after a while, depending on whether or not they have the right shoes for the right outfit. You’re ALWAYS wrong, so it’s best just to agree, unless of course they WANT to fight, then it’s a no-win situation, no matter what you do...
...at that point, just look at the ceiling and say “Wow... I just don’t know what to think...”
When they say Yes, it really means no, unless it’s a Thursday, which means you have to wear blue as long as it doesn’t clash with the color of the window shades and it matches the shoes... it MUST match the shoes...
When they ask you “Does this make me look fat?” They REALLY don’t want you to be honest; they want you to say “I think you should have that same dress in SIX colors...” and then pay for it. If it’s a Monday, it’s EIGHT colors, and all in different shades of pastels. But sometimes zebra or cheetah prints, too, depending on the time of day and if the sun is shining or not (if it’s not, that’s YOUR fault too...). And of course, she’ll HAVE to get her hair done now, because, well, just because she HAS to.
And for God’s sake do NOT answer - EVER - “Well... that outfit really isn’t you...” That’s a dead giveaway that yes, YOU think she looks fat. Even if she isn’t... it’s best to just shut up and again, just look at the ceiling and say “Wow... I just don’t know what to think...”
Happiness depends on several things; time of month (that’s a HUG factor), amount of money transferred from YOUR wallet or the fact that there’s NO money IN it, the volume of the children’s Xbox games at any given moment - especially if YOU are the one playing and actually enjoying yourself - YOUR job is to entertain her, PERIOD), and the fact that the 30-ish next-door neighbor with the Boob Job is NOT sunbathing on her deck because it’s raining, or cold, or snowing... the happy quotient goes WAY down when that situation is unfolding on a sunny day, and you decide “Gee it’s time to mow the lawn AGAIN???...damn”; the dog, the cat, the goldfish, the carpet, her car, your car, the furniture, the television program at any given moment, her job, your job, the neighbor’s job, the neighbor’s Boob Job...
Yeah... it’s easy to figure it all out when you try.