Posted on 05/15/2015 5:27:44 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
As you might already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked and if he does, he must commit suicide.
So at 7:00 am & 7:00... pm each day this week, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.
Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their houses to demonstrate their support for the women and to prove that they are not Muslim terrorist sympathizers.
Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your patriotism.
The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.
I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch. 
I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center.
The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service, and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7.
I've never felt safer ... and I’m saving $49.95 a month!
Some have asked what I'm doing in retirement.
Well, I applied for a building permit for a new house. It was going to be 100 feet tall and 400 feet wide, with 12 gun turrets at various heights, and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system that was going to entertain the whole neighborhood.
It would have parking for 200 cars, and I was going to paint it green with pink trim.
The City Council told me, “Forget it...IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!”
So, I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a "Mosque." Work starts on Monday.
I love this country…it’s the government that scares the crap out of me!
A Canadian female liberal wrote a lot of letters to the Canadian government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. She demanded a response to her letter correspondence. She received back the following reply:
National Defense Headquarters
M Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg., 15 NT
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa, ON K1A 0K2
Canada
Dear Concerned Citizen,
Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.
Our administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinions were heard loudly and clearly here in Ottawa. You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new department here at the Department of National Defense, to be called ‘Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers' program, or L.A.R.K. for short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday.
Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint!
It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter. Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his ‘attitudinal problem’ will help him overcome these character flaws.
Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. Please advise any Jewish friends, neighbors, or relatives about your house guest, as he might get agitated or even violent, but we are sure you can reason with him. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters, since he views females as a subhuman form of property, thereby, having no rights, including refusal of his intimate demands. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him, and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will "recommend" as more appropriate attire.
I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter.
Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man. You take good care of Ahmed and remember...we'll be watching.
Good luck and God bless you!
Cordially,
Gordon O'Connor
Minister of National Defense
As a female colleague once said as the break-room discussion turned to men who had been murdered by their wives:
“And not one of them was washing dishes at the time.”
Blew it! Correct account follows:
As a female colleague once said during the break-room discussion of how most murders of men by wives occur in the kitchen:
“And not one of them was washing dishes at the time.”
The Contest
Pinocchio, Snow White and Superman are out for a stroll in
town one day.
As they walk, they come across a sign:
“Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world.”
“I am entering” said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her,
“Well, how did you do?”
“First Place,” said Snow White.
They continue walking and they see a sign:
“Contest for the strongest man in the world.”
“I’m entering,” says Superman.
After half an hour he returns and they ask him,
“How did you make out?”
“First Place,” answers Superman. “Did you ever doubt?”
They continue walking when they see a sign:
“Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?”
Pinocchio says “this is mine.”
Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes.
“What happened?” they asked.
“Who the heck is Hillary Clinton?” asked Pinocchio.
Good Old Nigel!
If only they’d follow that law. Lots of them view porn.
Pretty much!
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