Posted on 01/07/2015 3:40:44 PM PST by Jewbacca
In light of the events today, I think we should start a recurring, and on-going, thread of Mohammed Jokes.
I'll start, but remember "jokes don't kill people. Muslims offended by jokes kill people."
And remember, stereotyping a person because of religion is not fair, be they a Christian, Jew, or a terrorist.
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Prophet Mohammed was out on a jihad in foreign lands, got sick, and couldn't get better. He finally called in a Jewish wise man who examined him.
The sage thought for a bit, and then told Mohammed: "Get a bucket. Poop in the bucket. Pee in the bucket. Have all your family do it. Then leave the bucket in a closet for a week. Next, for 7 days, put your head in the bucket and breathe deeply. Then call for me."
Mohammed did as he was told, then called for the sage "By my beard! I am cured! How did you do it?!"
The Jewish sage just shrugged, "Meh. You were just homesick."
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Hear about the time Mohammed's wife called him a pedophile?
Mohammed responded "Pedophile is a pretty big word for a 9 year old!"
++++++++++++++++ Q. What is the difference between the Prophet Muhammad and Michael Jackson? A. One is a pedophile child rapist and the other recorded six platinum albums.
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Q. Why don’t Muslims eat pork? A. The Koran forbids cannibalism.
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Q. Why do Arab men wear dirty bed sheets? A. Because a camel can hear the sound of a zipper from a mile away.
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Q. What’s the difference between Mecca and a bowl of yogurt? A. The yogurt has a living culture.
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Q. How do you get a Muslim out of a shower? A. Turn the water on.
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Q. What is the difference between a roll of toilet paper and the Koran? A. One is great for wiping your butt and the other comes in 2-ply.
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Q. What do you call an Iman who owns a camel and a goat? A. Bisexual.
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Q. Why doesn’t G-d stop the wars in the Middle East? A. He doesn’t like Muslims either.
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Q. How do you get Mohammed's wife pregnant? A. Dress her up as a 10-year old boy.
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Q. Did you hear about the Muslim family living in the US who are making every effort they can to integrate themselves into the local community, thereby contributing to worldwide peace and harmony and a greater understanding of their faith?
A. Nope me neither!
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Q: Why did Mohammed make homosexuality a sin in the Koran?
A: Because his boyfriend thought that would make it hotter.
++++++++++++++++++ Q: Hear about Dora the Explorer's muslim friend?
A: She's Doda the Exploda
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Q: What do you get when you win a theological debate with a muslim?
A: Death threats.
++++++++++++++++++ If you get on a plane these days you're not allowed to take shampoo, deodorant, toothpaste, liquid soap ...
And I'm thinking, "Aren't they the very things a Muslim wouldn't be carrying anyway?"
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What did one Muslim say to another in a supermarket?
Nothing very interesting, they are both completely ordinary members of society who should not be judged based on their ethnic background and skin colour.
And then the building exploded.
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So Marvel Comics will introduce a female Muslim superhero who can fly.
Which is handy, since she's not allowed to drive.
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Why did the sex offenders cross the road?
To catch the bus to the mosque.
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I've set up a demolition company and I don't have to pay my workers. All I do is spray paint 'Mohammad liked it up the ass' on the side of the building.
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"Muhammad come quick, there's a wanted poster with your face on in the market square. It says you're wanted for paedophilia."
Muhammad: "From this day forth, to draw Muhammad is blasphemous and shall be punishable by death!"
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I always take my shoes off before entering a mosque, so they won't get dirty.
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If there was a war in my country because of my religion I would do the only rational thing-
Move to the other side of the world and demand them to adopt to my religion. +++++++++++++++++
My work colleague, Akmed, heard me ranting about my putz of a neighbour and he gave me the following advice. "Think what my holy prophet Mohammed would do in your situation".
So I beheaded him and married his 9 year old daughter.
+++++++++++++++ I think my wife is a part time Muslim...
Once a month she is offended by everything!
Comments BUMP! BUMP!
Piss be upon him.
5.56mm
I tried not to notice, but you can always tell which is “their goat”.
In addition to these humorous (but true to life) stories I highly recommend my passive/aggressive Supermarket Strategy.
If you local hypermart carries lamb and beef products marked “Halal” then as you stroll through inspecting the meat, just accidentally allow a package of bacon or pig’s feet to find its way out of your cart into the pile of meat offered to Allah.
Then stand back and wait for the fun!
“I tried not to notice, but you can always tell which is “their goat”.”
That’s the real trick to halal butchering.
They have to hang it by its head so the, um, fluids, run out the back.
I'm sure Mr. Paul will say the same thing to Muslim-led countries.
I'm sure Mr. Paul will say the same thing to Muslim-led countries.
Q: How many Muslims does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to screw in the bulb, and one to behead the other using such a tool of Zionist imperialism.
Q: How many IDF solders does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to screw in the light bulb and two to disconnect the wires from the Hamas member.
If mohammed’s wife used her left hand to wipe her butt, how does she make flat bread?
“If mohammed’s wife used her left hand to wipe her butt, how does she make flat bread?”
She tried to use her face, but her beard got stuck.
#14
Aw geez......
Some of those are pretty good!
A Muslim dies and finds himself before the pearly Gates. He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed. Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.
‘Are you Mohammed?’, he asks. ‘No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up.’ And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.
Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.
He asks again, ‘Are you Mohammed? ‘No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still.
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy, he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.
Full of hope, he asks again, ‘Are you Mohammed?’ ‘No, I am Jesus...You will find Mohammed higher up.’
Mohammed higher than Jesus! The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher once again, he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:
‘Are you Mohammed?’ he gasps, as he is by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing. ‘No, my son. I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?’
‘Yes, please, my Lord’
God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out: ‘ Hey, Mohammed, two coffees!’
Now that’s a perfect plan!
Look out WalMart!
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