Posted on 07/04/2014 9:02:19 PM PDT by proud American in Canada
Hi all,
I never, NEVER, thought I'd post this here. But at this point, I have no one to turn to.
I'm a 51 year-old housewife/reporter and photographer who tries to make money doing proofreading, editing, writing,taking pictures, and oh, yes, selling ads for a phone book belonging to a dear friend of mine who was on Gatineau's city council (that's how I met him; we broke a lot of stories here).
I need to make a profile on FR; it would save a lot of time. :)
Long story short. I grew up in Des Plaines, IL, met my French Canadian husband about 20 + years ago; we moved to Denver and had a son and daughter there. Thank God they were born on American soil! :)
About 15 years ago, my husband got a job offer and we had to move north. I felt like he'd punched me in the stomach; I couldn't breathe. I fell into a depression after moving the kids, by myself, driving all those miles (my husband had already bought a home and begun work with the government up here).
A year after we moved, 9/11 happened...and even though I was far away, I felt even more depressed, probably because I was separated from the country I love and knew was hurting, but I couldn't do anything. Thanks to FR, I sent care packages to the troops...
Anyway. Fast forward to today. I began drinking hard, and now, it seriously imperiled my health. I have to stop, and I do, for periods of time, but then... something happens and I fall back into old habits.
Example. I`ve never had a D.U.I. (I never drink and drive), but I lost my drivers license at the hospital because my brain chemicals were out of whack (too much ammonia?). I'm on lactylose.
Last weekend, a long weekend here because of Canada Day, I had a lot of errands to do with the car, so I needed hubby to drive me around.
Things were okay... until at some point, he kept being so sarcastic, so .... fake ... he kept saying, "where should we go right now? Please, let me help you!" (fake, fake, fake). I started to cry in the car. He'd beaten me down after two days of me asking him to drive me here and there to help my (Gatineau city) councillor friend make money...
I cried and gave up, and bought some booze at the grocery store, while he bought "make your own pizza" fixings...I had said, "we can get all of that at Walmart.." (where they don't sell alcohol). Instead, he chose a grocery where they sell alcohol…the one thing I didn’t want him to do).
Long story short, I feel like I'm pushing up the proverbial rock while my husband is kicking it, hard, back into my face.... all while doing that in front of our kids so that they have no respect for me. btw, when I don`t drink, we have the same fights... just not as emotional on my side. What do I do? How do you deal with trying to fix yourself when everyone seems to be aligned against you? Any advice would be appreciated. And I feel so embarrassed to reach out like this, but I’m at my wit’s end. My husband seems closer to our daughter than he does to me, and it hurts. Julie
Except that you have to decide if you are a drinker, or a non-drinker.
That statement of yours I quoted sounds like you are going to continue "trying to quit", which means that a part of you is still in the drinking game, and will be lurking for the proper reason, something big and negative enough in your life, to excuse you back sliding.
Be very careful to understand why you wish to become more involved in your church. At first glance, that may sound strange coming from an Evangelical but, it is easy to get heavily involved in church as a way to subconsciously try to 'earn' our way into God's love. Even 'church' can become an idol, if the object of the adoration is 'church', rather than God.
You might wish to check out Dr. Grant Mullen. He is a Christian doctor from Ontario, who has become expert on treating mood disorders, such as depression. Here is a link to comments he made at the Healing Life's Hurts conference at (surprisingly) Toronto Airport Fellowship.
I will also PM you on some other things that came to mind, in reading your comments.
May God bless you and watch over you and heal all addictive and depressive thoughts and actions and draw you and your hubby closer to Him, healing all marital issues.
You will get no advice from me because I don’t have a clue what anyone should or shouldn’t do....
I do however know a lot of alcoholics ( why I don’t know)...I was even married to one once....some of the alcoholics I know are dead, some are still alive ....Years ago I watched a 20 year old girl drink herself to death. It didn’t take her long at all
From what Ive seen alcohol is a lot rougher on women. Most of the live alcoholics I know went to AA ....most of them still go to AA....the dead ones don’t go so much anymore but I guess that is understandable
last some of the alcoholics I know were at the absolute bottom..It is absolutely amazing to see them alive and sober.... Knowing them when they were drunk I would never have thought it was possible ...but it is
Dear Proud American in Canada,
First let me say that my words are not intended to demean you in any manner, but I do wish to be rather blunt and somewhat harsh. I also wish to extend my sincere hope that you will overcome your health issues quickly – both the depression and the chemical imbalance.
Take ownership immediately. You made the choice to drink; nobody else shoulders blame for that choice. It doesn’t matter that your husband chose to stop at a store that sells alcohol; you chose to buy the alcohol. It wouldn’t matter if your husband bought the alcohol: you chose to drink it. Nor is your husband’s “fake” attitude at fault for the choice that you made. The blame is entirely yours and you must face that simple fact.
Own the choices you’ve made so you can make better choices and own them too.
Apologize (sincerely – that is key) to your husband for wrongly blaming him for the choices you’ve made. (this is part of owning your choices made)
Tell your husband that you will no longer drink alcohol – not that you will try not to drink alcohol. You will no longer drink alcohol (period).
Ask him to help you in this choice. Make it clear that you are no longer going to drink alcohol whether he helps you or not, but you would greatly appreciate his help. Explain that you value him and any support that he is willing to offer you.
Go to counseling (of some sort) and encourage your husband to join you in a joint session, but seek counseling even if your husband will not join you for joint counseling. Stick with the counseling – this is not a short term thing.
“A goal without a plan is just a wish” – Larry Elder
Set goals. Write them down along with your plan to achieve them. Wishing won’t do – you must set goals and you must make a plan for achieving them.
Live the plan, realize the goal.
I will not drink alcohol in the next 24 hours. That is the plan for achieving your goal. Write it down everyday as soon as you wake up... and live it.
Seek treatment for your depression. Real treatment, do not self-medicate.
Ask God for help. Yeah, I know, some will tell that doing so is corny (or worse). Ignore them. God will help you. Help yourself by asking God for help.
Keep yourself busy doing constructive activities. Writing and photography would appear to be two logical choices.
Get physical. Physical activity has been shown to alter the state of mind (for the better) – run, walk, ride a bike... do something physical everyday.
AA and Al Anon (for your husband) are viable options as well.
Do all of the above and I promise you that you will meet your goal of no alcohol
Grab victory. Own it. Live it.
I stopped drinking alcohol in 2002, by myself. My problem was once I started, I couldn’t stop. A few was never enough.
I remember that when I got past three weeks quitting, continuously fighting the urge became both tedious and boring so I just dropped the whole “I want a drink” mentality out the window (so-to-speak) and never had a problem about it since. I quit smoking like that in... 2003?
I am sometimes around people drinking alcohol, that is pretty much unavoidable in life. Sometimes I open a bottle of wine and pour a glass for my wife. I had a friend who stopped drinking and then got a job in a liquor store - LoL!
I replace champagne with ginger-ale, wine with juice and beer with non-alcohol beer, at festive occasions or special dinners.
The thought of drinking alcohol, to me, is like drinking gasoline... I really don’t want to.
Yesterday I was enjoying a glass of orange juice and thanked God for it.
That stuff is amazing!
Sorry my post was addressed to the wrong proud Canadian/ American
Funny how I had this conversation with my wife tonight: I was the hateful, spiteful husband for many years; then I accepted Christ, and things radically changed. Here are your first steps:
1- Get to your pastor. If you do not have one, get one. If you need help finding the right church that teaches and preaches the Bible (without all the nonsense), I can help you identify a church based on God's standards..
2- Find an AA group: But there are two versions. Secular and Christian. Seek out the Christian. A pastor will know how to find a good one.
3- Don't worry about your husband now. Let's worry about you first.
4- Know that there are several here that will walk with you. We love you. We care for you. We have been in the same place as you are now. There is hope and restoration.
5- Know that there are people close to your proximity, that are waiting to help you, and to love you to better health. You have to find them. Do not be ashamed: there are plenty brothers and sisters that have lived in dysfunctionality.
In the Addiction Community (booze, drugs, sex, etc) there is a well known saying:
IF NOTHING CHANGES, THEN NOTHING CHANGES
Work on the first two points. If you need further help, let me know. If you need to email or Skype, just say so.
I pray the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ works on your heart, turning it to Him so that you come to realize you were created to worship and have fellowship with Him, and not the booze.
In His Service
Secondly, grocery stores sell liquor. Lots of places sell liquor. Your husband may continue drinking, or friends will - someone in your life will drink. Commercials, movies, books, TV, and ads show people drinking. Seeing alcohol is not an excuse to drink. "Fair" doesn't enter into it.
Likewise, people being angry with you for drinking (because it sounds like your husband is really angry) is no reason to drink. There is AL-Anon for him if he'd like to go, but that is up to him. Whether he goes or not, you need to go.
Your relationship with alcohol belongs to you. Own it. You're strong enough to ask for advice, and you are strong enough to be sober.
I will pray for you every day and would love to hear an update. Blessings.
Prayers up for your marital situation. Maybe you can put it on hold a little while you try to get off alcohol.
Someone near and dear to me quit using nutrition to make it easier for him. First, to remove the cravings for alcohol, he got lithium (no prescription needed and you don’t need very large amounts, very minute amounts compared to what those with bipolar take!). You can find it online where supplements are found. Can’t go look now to see if iherb.com has it and such because on an ipad FR incomplete posts disappear.
The next way to help against cravings is to change your diet to low carb and no empty carbs. This is not forever, but it is essential right now after how alcohol has destroyed your metabolism. Eat natural protein sources like meat, eggs, dairy, nuts all the time, and add veggies (cooked or raw) and fruits, and rice and potatoes for your starches. Maybe oatmeal. Use butter, coconut oil, fatty meats all you want. No cakes, breads, cookies, junk food, burger buns, anything for a little while and fill your fridge with foods you love thst aren’t packaged. Eat as often as you want but no sweets (sure, add a bit of sugar to yr oatmeal or coffee - no fake sugars - but no sugary treats). This will help like you won’t believe. Your blood sugars will be stable which will seriously help against cravings. (If you fall off that wagon they will drop so low you will have super cravings. At some point after a wagon tumble, just force yourself to make yourself a killer omelette with bacon etc and eat it. And a green salad with a ton of your favorite fatty dressing (homemade with no sugar is best). You will then prove to yourself that eating this way removes a help of cravings.)
If you like caffeine, this is the time to step it up. Drink a coffee or tea (or whole foods type energy drink with no corn syrup, just real sugar) every time you feel , you have to “drink something” with an effect. Of course, all day and night long, drink plenty of water. No sodas ESPECIALLY no diet sodas, but no sodas at all. But for the first couple of weeks, if you drink too much coffee don’t worry. He drank 8-12 coffees the first week. (And he’s been sober 4 straight years now)
Don’t waste your AA and prayer and other spiritual and emotional help with a poor diet that sets you up for failure. This will help all the rest and you.
Gd bless. You are not alone.
Do what you need to do and ignore those who try to trip you up - they suffer their own mental maladies and do not need to be catered to.
Good luck - it's been 26 years for me and life is oh so much better this way.
You are in my prayers from now on. I haven’t read any of the replies. If you are a person of faith I would say seek help in that area. If you want to quit drinking you will need all the strength you can muster. If your hubby is a person of faith all the better, much can be healed through prayer and good counsel. Best wishes and check in again to let us know how you are doing.
You are a drunk. If you want to remain a drunk keep drinking. If you do not want to be a drunk stop drinking. It is entirely possible that your husband prefers you as a drunk. Don’t bother confronting him about this until you have stopped drinking for at least as long as you have been drinking.
Go to AA and keep going back. Get a sponsor and stick with her.
Find something else to mess up your life. Booze is not the only choice.
There one was a lady that got stuck down in a hole. A lawyer cane by and said you have a good case - here is my card. Call me when you get out.
A doctor came by and said, I can fix your injuries, the hospital is right over there.
A priest came bay and said I can help. My church is right down the street. Come to mass on Sunday.
An alcoholic came by and jumped down in the hole with her. She exclaimed, “Why did you do that? Now you’re stuck too!” The alcoholic replied, “Yes, but I know the way out.”
Julie, you are at the jumping off place. Talk to someone else who is in long term recovery. They will help you, and not for any reason you might think. Helping a newcomer is one of the best ways to stay sober. So if you go in, you will be helping other people. Please do it.
The fishers of men are in the basement.
Very well said!
Having said that, however:
Julie, find an AA group near you and tell them just what you've told us.
Given a modicum of willingness, those ordinary people have an uncanny way of turning fear into miracles.
One day at a time, darlin' . . .
Blah..blah.blahblahblah..Quit drinking. Find your local AA and ALANON. If you can’t do that, don’t bother posting.
*************************************
That was a very rude and non-FReeper type of response to someone who is honest and seeking advice about her problem.
Shame on you!
Seems maybe you are not a fan of AA.
rigmarole[ rig-muh-rohl ]
noun
1. an elaborate or complicated procedure:to go through the rigmarole of a formal dinner.
2. confused, incoherent, foolish, or meaningless talk.
Post 119 was intended to be sent to you.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.