Woohoo!! Friday!!!!
TOP TEN! Woo Hoo!
TOP 5!
Top Ten!
Top 10!
Thanks for supplying my Friday morning jumper cables for my heart. Better than coffee!
cheers
Jim
TOP 30??? Damn, late again....
A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, “Is that Jesus sitting over there?”
The waitress nodded “yes!” So, the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.
The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, “Is that Jesus, over there?”
The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, “My treat.”
The third patron, to come into the restaurant, was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, “Hey there honey! How’s about getting me a cold mug of Miller Light!” He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, “Isn’t that God’s boy over there?”
The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. “On my bill,” he said loudly.
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, “For your kindness, you are healed.” The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up and began to praise the Lord.
Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, “For your kindness, you are healed.” The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, he raised his hands and he, too, began to praise the Lord.
Then, Jesus walked, with a huge smile on his face, towards the Democrat. The Democrat jumped up and yelled, “Don’t touch me....... I’m on disability.”
For Those Who Understand, No Explanation is necessary.
For Those Who Do Not Understand, No Explanation is possible.
THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY “THOMAS COOK VACATIONS” FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:
1. “I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.”
2. “It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during ‘siesta’ time — this should be banned.”
3. “On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food.”
4. “We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price.”
5. “The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room.”
6. “We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow.”
7. “They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax.”
8. “No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared.”
9. “Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers.”
10. “We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish.”
11. “The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun.”
12. “It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair.”
13. “I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends’ three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller.”
14. “The brochure stated: ‘No hairdressers at the resort,’ We’re trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service.”
15. “When we were in Spain there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners.”
16. “We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning”.
17. “It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.”
18. “I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes.”
19. “My fiancé and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.”
IN! Top...something...
According to Google Maps is is 3 hours or 180 miles from Miami to Florida.
NO DAD DON'T!!!1!
One day, a very gentle Cajun lady was driving across a high bridge near New Orleans.
As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin’ to jump.
(”fixin to” in Cajun means getting ready to)
She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, “Please don’t jump!
Think of your dear mother and father.”
He replied, “My mom and dad are both dead; I’m going to jump.”
She said, “Well, think of your sweet wife and precious children.”
He replied, “I’m not married, and I don’t have any kids.”
She said, “Well, then you just sing Dixie .”
He replied, ‘’What’s Dixie ?’’
She replied, ‘’Well, bless your heart, you just go ahead and jump, you little Yankee Democrat Bastard, you’re holding up traffic”
Anybody else notice a resemblance?
Thanks Lucky9teen, some of those were hilarious. There are some really dumb folk out there.
