Posted on 09/08/2013 8:36:15 AM PDT by rickmichaels
“We’re over,” an acquaintance said recently of her boyfriend of four months. “He gave me his password on our third date and then changed it and refused to give me the new one. Passwords and secrets do not belong in loving relationships. Transparency does.”
That old question, debated in certain circles, of how soon you go “all the way” has been replaced by a new one: when to share the password to your phone. Handing over those prized digits so your partner can see your texts, emails, photos and recent phone calls—in other words, your entire social existence at a glance—is either romantic or creepy, depending on whom you ask.
Real estate lawyer Warren Fireman and his wife of 13 years share passwords. Often they lie in bed at the end of the day reading each other’s phones. “I just look to see what was going on in her day and she does the same. She has a huge family and so do I, so there is always something going on. We like to be kept in the loop.” Singer Carrie Underwood once said in an interview that she does the same with her hockey-player husband’s phone after she’s been on the road. As Fireman puts it, “We’re happily married. We have nothing to hide.”
But many women, hurt in past relationships, may want the password sooner rather than later, says Sara Fawkes, a counsellor based in Toronto. It’s often an ongoing negotiation, she says. “Some people are just very secretive. You need to figure out what the motivation is for asking.”
More transparency is not always better. A Calgary-based art dealer says she’s no longer allowed to look at her husband’s phone after having his passwords for a decade. “We were getting into too many fights. I would read something I didn’t like, and he’d argue that I didn’t know the context, and that caused fights.” She still has qualms. “When you share a house and a family but not your password, it seems like you have something to hide,” she says. But she admits she is much happier now. “I can’t see stuff I may not like. We don’t fight nearly as much.” Another woman got her partner’s password after a month of dating—“because I was always snooping anyway. I’d see him signing off with an ‘xo’ to someone and I’d get freaked out. I was questioning everything. I learned that he signed off ‘xo’ to everyone. That was just him. I do sometimes wish I didn’t have [the password],” she confesses.
Michael, a 42-year-old accountant, has been dating a woman for a month. He says he’d never give her his password. “If she asked me on our third or fourth or even 10th date, I would find it aggressive. You need some boundaries.” Once, he let her look at his phone and she saw he had looked at a dating site. “I didn’t join or anything. But the questions came fast and furiously.”
Password sharing can be about a kind of affectionate voyeurism more than suspicion. Many women say that if they see their partner’s or date’s phone and know the password, they’ll look, mostly because they are bored. Allan Cameron, a clinical social worker and therapist, is interested in the symbolism of password sharing. “Perhaps it’s an example of oversharing. The idea that our partner’s every thought, thread or Google search is of value and something we need access to, is disconcerting,” he says. “This privileging of the mundane yields little to the real task of developing a full and authentic relationship.” But he also sees password sharing as an attempt to speed up the formation of trust, which used to be painstakingly earned.
As with most things, once it’s given, it’s hard to take back. “A person may go with the demand to share their password but feel they are too exposed or have moved too quickly. They may rescind their password offer,” he suggests—which creates other tensions.
Toronto-based therapist Tammy Laber says one of the things she does with couples when there has been an affair is to suggest that they share passwords so the “wronged” spouse can regain trust. While the debate rages, Fireman has another thought. “Maybe instead of us lying in bed and looking at each other’s phones,” he jokes, “we should just talk more.”
I would never ask my husband for his passwords. I have never thought of giving him mine either. Just haven’t thought of it. Of course, my whole life is not on my phone.
Do the couples mentioned text each other at the dinner table or in bed? I guess I’m an old codger.
“I would never ask my husband for his passwords. I have never thought of giving him mine either.”
I was at lunch with a guy I’ve known 10 years. His phone rang. He said, “Hello? No, I’m with Gen.blather. No, I’m with Gen.blather.” He handed me the phone and I said, “Hello?” There was a long silence and I asked again and asked who it was and a woman said, “Brenda.” It was his wife. Apparently she had read something he’d written six months ago and assumed he was seeing a woman at lunch. I’ve worked so closely with this guy I know he’s not fooling around. He says she goes through all his stuff regularly and has all his passwords. He’s asked people not to send him stuff like links to nude photos.
I don’t know my husband’s passwords either. Of course, I keep forgetting my own.
I don’t know that I’d ever ask for a password. If I trusted him, rightly or wrongly, that would just be it. I’m not married, so I don’t know if that would make a difference.
Back around the ‘turn of the century’, the home computer was a laptop which I basically used for business.
I told my then wife that she was welcome to use it and set it up so she could have her own password etc (she was computer literate (at least workwise) and I was skeptical) but figured I didn’t care or want to know what she may be doing on the computer. She was an adult, after all.
SHE wondered what I was trying to hide????
Go figure!!!
I’ve yet to meet a woman I would trust enough to share my passwords with. I guess that’s probably one of the reasons I am unmarried :)
Seriously??? This guy sounds like he’s Grade A pu**y-whipped!
No woman is worth having to deal with that much insecurity.
No offense to your friend.
Hell, anybody can have my sister’s password to anything. Here it is” ‘QWERTY1234’
“No woman is worth having to deal with that much insecurity.”
She’s always out helping him on the ranch. He’s got pictures of her totting sandbags. She’s got a CCW and carries. She’s going through menopause. She has a hot flash and he sprints to his airconditioned backhoe.
Never thought of it, either. Put me in the ‘sharing passwords is creepy’ category if it’s meant to establish an intimacy, or assure fidelity. Strikes me as more than creepy, actually.
I don’t believe in sharing that type of information, especially if you’re just dating.
That said now that we are older we have both created a file for the other of our passwords in case one of us dies or gets very ill.
We have heard of friends that had a spouse die and there were things like insurance websites, financial websites where the spouse couldn’t get in to pay bills. Oftentimes they had to provide a death certificate to even be able to pay their bills.
Also with things like social media there may be a lot of friends that the spouse knows from school, jobs etc. that the surviving spouse doesn’t know and it’s nice to have a password to get in. Also FB will not get rid of a spouse’s account unless you have a password to get in to take it off active status. I’ve seen where people die and all kinds of things are written on there and there’s nothing the surviving spouse can do because they can’t get into the FB or whatever.
So we did put a file together where all those passwords are filed and we both have access to it for that reason.
Just an idea for other FReepers. Take care and thanks for posting this.
Great advice. Thanks!
Don’t give anybody your password you wouldn’t give your ATM pin number to.
Was on a bidness trip with an associate, sharing a room. His wife called nightly and asked to speak with me to make sure he didn’t have a woman in the room.
What I thought most odd was that he didn’t see anything strange about this.
LOL! Uh, DUH!
You’re welcome! Thanks :-)
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