Posted on 01/20/2013 5:49:33 AM PST by NCjim
President Barack Obama and the Senate are considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.
"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said California Sen. Barbara Boxer. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability (POI) to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing."
In a Capitol Hill press conference, former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any job skills, making this agency the single largest U.S. employer of Persons With No Ability. The Transportation Security Agency was a close runner up. Under the act, it will be perfectly acceptable to be in second place.
Private-sector industries with good records of non-discrimination against the inept include retail sales (72 percent), the airline industry (68 percent), and home-improvement warehouse stores (65 percent). At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons with No Ability (63 percent).
Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million mid-level positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.
Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability (POI) into middle-management positions, and give a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.
Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the nonabled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, "Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?"
"As a nonabled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Mich., due to her inability to remember righty tighty, lefty loosey. "This new law should be real good for people like me. I'll finally have job security." With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Said Vice President Joe Biden: "As an ex-senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so."
With Obama of all people selected for eight years in our White House, how can anyone think that having no abilities is a disadvantage?
As long as the paperwork to apply will fit on a post card and can be filled out using a Crayon, it may just take off!
lol
LOL! Very good, NCJim. FReeper humor BUMP!
They’re right, 50 percent are sorely lacking in ability or the drive to succeed. When times get tough, so many run away.
Where do I sign up ?
Alternatively, how about the Americans with Abilities Act?
That is, since Obama has nationalized student loans, and he doesn’t care about debt, why not forgive all outstanding student loans? Young people going from deeply in debt to just poor, would mean they could start off like their parents did, and what they earned, less taxes of course, would be theirs.
This would mean they could get married and start families earlier, and face a future other than loneliness, childlessness, and despair.
Wasn’t that the Civil Service Act of 1883? Made civil service hiring based on “merit” but also made civil “servants” all but impossible to fire?
I read the first three paragraphs to my lovely wife as she was having her first cup of coffee. It was an amazing sight to see the outrage boil up in her eyes. After listening to her rant for five minutes or so, I informed her that it was satire.
She admitted that it was a bit too close too something that she could see Obama and this administration pulling.
So a very WELL DONE for a good piece of satire.
Perfect!
Great Job!
Sounds great as long as I don’t have to interact with the non addled.
The Constitution says thou shall not be humiliated so I will stay home and wait for my weekly checks to arrive in the mail
Thanks
is this satire or for real? I would send this link to some very liberal limited information voters if it is real...they asked for this crap.
You’re cutting in on John Semmens’ action. Good job though.
You’re cutting in on John Semmens’ action. Good job though.
You’re cutting in on John Semmens’ action. Good job though.
You’re cutting in on John Semmens’ action. Good job though.
I am dead serious, although I am 99.9% sure the article is satire.
Americans With No Abilities = Progressives
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