Posted on 12/21/2012 5:19:58 AM PST by Lucky9teen
10. The 5,125 year long calender of the Mayans will end precisely at 11:11 AM on 21st December 2012, the winter solstice of the year. The timestamps in all the databases will be reset to 0000-00-00 00:00:00.00000, causing Google to crash permanently. 9. When you are in the market for doomsday predictions, remember, it's alignment, alignment, alignment! This time, the earth will be at its center and the sun will be aligned at the top of the string of planets. At the rear end of the alignment will be a black hole in the exact center of the Milky Way. And, therefore...
8. "King of terror shall come from the sky. He will bring to life the King of Mongols. The Huge dog will howl at night, when the great pontiff will change lands." - Nostradamus, of course.
7. In a repeat of 9792 BC, Venus moving in retrograde of the Orion constellation will cause the sun to rise to a new horizon, making way for two sunsets and two sunrises. Understandably, this will drive Osiris, the resident god of Orion, crazy.
6. Antichrist will gain domination over the world, in league with the false messiah. There will be blood and...Armageddon. Why 12-21-12? Because, 12-21-12 = 9-11-01 + 3-10-11!
5. According to the most recent batch of Sumerian tablets — on sale for $19.99 at Dept. 13, P.O. Box 666, Nippur, Sumer — the Anunnaki [aka Nephilim], filled with remorse for genetically engineering us, will crash their plant Niburu into the Earth.
4. According to the "Brahma-Vaivarta Purana", Krishna has promised Ganga that she would be allowed to end her hellish sojourn through India, and return to Shiva's head on 12-21-12. Insane with jealousy, Durga will annihilate the universe, sparing only Kolkotta. 
3. The Mormons have built an underground city to escape the apocalyptic events that they believe will happen in 2012. Everybody knows that the Mormons are never wrong.
2. Physicists will successfully extract God particle in CERN's Large Hadron Collider by the end of 2012. Enraged by this new kid on the block, Abraham, Allah, Thor, Vishnu, Yhwh, and Zeus will join forces to destroy the world.
1. Precisely at 11:11 AM, on 12-21-12, when the sun aligns itself with the Tropic of Capricorn, I will forget to wash my hands after using the restroom at the SFO Airport, setting off a pandemic with the superbug, NDM-1.
Could it be the end of the world as we know it?
Leaders of both parties announced today that they have reached agreements on all of the previously intractable issues.
“We just got so used to opposing each other, no matter what, that we lost sight of what’s important,” said Harry Reid, Democratic Senate Majority Leader. “Although it will be difficult not to continue to follow our instincts right into oblivion.”
For starters, the budget will be fixed by increases on taxes on the wealthy, along with smart cuts in spending, mostly in the military.
“We finally realized that such a bloated military would do us no good if the world ended,” said John Boehner, Republican Speaker of the House.
“It turns out what really scared the hell out of us was the Mayan prophecy, not the fiscal cliff,” said Boehner. “Suddenly, coddling the super-rich just to secure political office on this earthly plane seemed so lame,” added the Orange One, tears filling his eyes.
In fact, part of the Mayan prophecy actually refers to an important figure of these times as “The Orange One, who cries like a baby girl.”
Another part of the Mayan prophecy refers to “the man many will call a ‘Secret Muslim.’” According to this portion of the sacred text, the “powerful man” is actually a “Secret Mayan,” and the text relates that, “we here creating this Calendar for the Ages laugh at the thought of the future Tea people thinking he’s a Muslim born in Kenya. After all, everyone knows he is to be born in the heart of Mayan country, the future Mexico.”
The sacred text continues: “The leader of the free world must be a Mayan at this time, and since even our great Prophecy cannot tell whether dishonest forces will be able to rig future elections, all major candidates must be born of ancient Mayan blood.”
In other historic agreements, it was decided that GMOs will be phased out, “if there’s time,” due to their potentially catastrophic consequences to the global food supply.
A huge investment in all natural resources has been agreed upon as well, including the drilling in all areas available in North America and an immediate halt to EPA Regulations. “We can actually use our own resources, we realized, after thinking it through,” said Senator Reid.
It wasn’t all love and harmony in Washington, however. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), a House Minority Leader, tried to start a filibuster to stop the process, saying, “This is just a Tea Party trick to take over the world! God will punish all unbelievers!” Just then a crack in the Senate floor opened and swallowed her up.
“That’s when we really saw the light,” said Reid.
The president spoke to reporters in the Rose Garden this morning. “It is with great pride that I announce these historic agreements,” said Mr. Obama, “and we can only hope that we’ve extracted our collective heads out of the proverbial sand in time.”
“May the great Mayan Gods have mercy on our souls,” he said. “Oh yeah, that’s right: I’m Mayan, you idiots!”
http://www.youtube.com/embed/VGLGJV01C0Q
Here’s hoping you get everything you want for Christmas, FRiends!
But nobody has any answers? The world is just full of imponderables.
Why do we park on driveways but drive on parkways?
Why doesn't "good food" rhyme?
Why is bra singular but panties plural?
If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, who pickled them and why?
And, of course, the biggest imponderable of all:
Why the heck did America re-elect Obama?
I guess you're right. That last one will take forever to answer.
Is that the voice of Mary Martin?
It's the electorial version of S and M.
President Obama is not amused.
It looks like NBC is also having fun with the Official Friday Silliness Thread.
They just broke in Hoda and Kathi Lee (here in the west) to announce John Kerry as the new SecState. (he served in Vietnam, you may recall)
Things to do in the bathroom stall...
1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, “May I borrow a highlighter?”
2. Say “Uh oh, I knew I shouldn’t put my lips on that.”
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, “Hmmm, I’ve never seen that color before.”
5. Drop a marble and say, “oh shoot!! My glass eye!!”
6. Say “Darn, this water is cold.”
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place six to eight feet. Sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, “Now how did that get there?”
9. Say, “Humus. Reminds me of humus.”
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, “Whoa! Easy boy!!”
11. Say, “Interesting....more sinkers than floaters.
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, “Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?”
13. Say. “C’mon Mr. Happy! Don’t fall asleep on me!!”
14. Say, “Boy, that sure looks like a maggot”
15. Say, “Darn, I Knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?”
16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your “Cross-Dressers Anonymous” newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, “Peek-a-boo!”
19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing “Born Free”
20. When you’re in a bathroom stall take a Snickers candy bar with you and when someone is next to you, squish it in your hand and reach under the stall wall and say “You got any more toilet paper over there, This side’s completely out.”
Go WHERE????? %O
A hand full of tie wraps will neaten that right up :)
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