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***THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD***
Posted on 11/30/2012 4:40:26 AM PST by Lucky9teen
Be careful out there shopping?
In a small southern town, she saw a 'Nativity Scene' that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it.
One small feature bothered her: The three wise men were all wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, she left. At a quickie mart on the edge of town, she asked the gentleman behind the counter about the helmets.
He exploded into a rage, yelling at her, 'You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!'
She assured him that indeed she did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible's baby Jesus story.
He jerked his Bible from behind the counter, ruffled thru some pages, and finally jabbed his finger at a passage. Sticking it in her face he said: 'See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from 'afar''.
The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity scene in Washington, D.C. this Christmas. This isn't for any religious or constitutional reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the nation's capitol. There was no problem however finding enough asses to fill the stable.
Newspaper Headlines in the Year 2035
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California.
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the California's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock.
Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped.
Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.
Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria,and Lebanon.)
Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Texas executes last remaining citizen.
Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.
Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screw-drivers and baseball bats must be registered by January 2036.
1) Only in America could politicians talk about the greed of the rich at a $35,000 a plate campaign fund raising event.
2) Only in America could people claim that the government still discriminates against black Americans when we have a black President, a black Attorney General, and roughly 18% of the federal workforce is black.
3) Only in America could we have had the two people most responsible for our tax code, Timothy Geithner, the head of the Treasury Department and Charles Rangel who once ran the Ways and Means Committee, BOTH turn out to be tax cheats who are in favor of higher taxes.
4) Only in America will you find people who burn the American flag and call America an "imperialist nation," but who get offended if you say they're not patriotic.
5) Only in America can we have terrorists kill people in the name of Allah and have the media primarily react by fretting that Muslims might be harmed by the backlash.
6) Only in America could someone drinking a $5 latte and texting to his friends on an iPhone 4 complain that the government allows some people to make too much money.
7) Only in America would people take rappers who brag about shooting people and selling drugs seriously when they complain the police are targeting them unfairly.
8) Only in America would we make people who want to legally become American citizens wait for years in their home countries and pay tens of thousands of dollars for the privilege while we discuss letting anyone who sneaks into the country illegally just become American citizens.
9) Only in America could the people who believe in balancing the budget and sticking by the country's Constitution be thought of as "extremists."
10) Only in America could the most vicious foes of successful conservative women be self-proclaimed feminists and the National Organization for Women.
11) Only in America could you need to present a driver's license to cash a check or buy alcohol, but not to vote.
12) Only in America can we have terrorists fly planes into our buildings and have some people’s first thought be "what did we do to make them hate us?"
13) Only in America would we think teaching kids at college is an appropriate job for communists, terrorists, and other dregs of humanity.
14) Only in America could people demand the government investigate whether the oil companies are gouging the public because the price of gas went up when for every penny of profit the oil companies make, the government tacks on roughly 24 cents’ worth of taxes.
15) Only in America could the first people asked to weigh in on the seriousness of a racial incident by the media be professional race hustlers like Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, and Ben Jealous. In other words, it's like calling in a car dealer as a neutral source on whether or not you need to get a new car.
16) Only in America does airport security put its hands on your underwear....while you're wearing it.
17) Only in America could the government force a skating rink to have handicapped parking spots and Braille on the ATM machines.
18) Only in America could the government collect more tax dollars from the people than any nation ever has before in all of recorded history, still spend a trillion dollars more that it has per year, and complain that it doesn't have nearly enough money.
19) Only in America could the rich people who pay 86% of all income taxes be accused of not paying their "fair share" by people who don't pay any income taxes at all.
20) Only in America could the people who approve of slaughtering 25 million females babies via abortion accuse OTHER PEOPLE of waging a "war on women."
TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: christmas; ofst; silliness
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To: Lucky9teen
121
posted on
11/30/2012 9:20:10 AM PST
by
P.O.E.
(Pray for America)
To: Lucky9teen
122
posted on
11/30/2012 9:23:03 AM PST
by
BerryDingle
(I know how to deal with communists, I still wear their scars on my back from Hollywood-Ronald Reagan)
To: EQAndyBuzz
123
posted on
11/30/2012 9:24:46 AM PST
by
BenLurkin
(This is not a statement of fact. It is either opinion or satire; or both)
To: unique1
124
posted on
11/30/2012 9:28:17 AM PST
by
BenLurkin
(This is not a statement of fact. It is either opinion or satire; or both)
To: Lucky9teen
Why?
Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?
Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?
Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?
Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage?
EVER WONDER...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don’t you ever see the headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?
Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word?
Why is it that doctors and attorneys call what they do ‘practice’?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff??
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
125
posted on
11/30/2012 9:28:34 AM PST
by
BerryDingle
(I know how to deal with communists, I still wear their scars on my back from Hollywood-Ronald Reagan)
To: MestaMachine
126
posted on
11/30/2012 9:32:04 AM PST
by
BenLurkin
(This is not a statement of fact. It is either opinion or satire; or both)
To: BerryDingle
Why doesn’t “good food” rhyme?
127
posted on
11/30/2012 9:33:14 AM PST
by
ArGee
(Reality - what a concept.)
To: MestaMachine
Other acceptable answers are:
A nun with a knife in her back.
A newspaper.
Barack Obama.
To: ArGee
Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
129
posted on
11/30/2012 9:34:30 AM PST
by
ArGee
(Reality - what a concept.)
To: Lucky9teen
Great FUNNY thread and thanks to all who participated. I stole a few!
To: Lucky9teen
once is distracting, twice is irritating but three times is pure silliness.
131
posted on
11/30/2012 9:38:50 AM PST
by
fish hawk
(no tyrant can remain in power without the consent and cooperation of his victims.)
To: BerryDingle
Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?
Because I’m diabetic and can’t have the sugar.
132
posted on
11/30/2012 9:41:05 AM PST
by
fredhead
(It's my Herbie year...check out the number on the side of the famous VW.)
To: presently no screen name
It looks like the Democrats have actually proposed one tainted tax cut.
'taint your taxes being cut and 'taint my taxes being cut.
133
posted on
11/30/2012 9:42:45 AM PST
by
ArGee
(Reality - what a concept.)
To: MestaMachine
Why is it dangerous to be in the jungle between 2 and 4 in the afternoon?
Because that’s when the elephants are jumping out of the trees.
Why are Pygmies so short?
Because they hang out in the jungle between 2 and 4 in the afternoon.
134
posted on
11/30/2012 9:43:47 AM PST
by
Cyber Liberty
(Obama considers the Third World morally superior to the United States.)
To: Lucky9teen
To: Cyber Liberty
A liberal from Iowa was on a photo safari in Africa when she came across a dead elephant with a pygmy standing on it.
“What happened to that elephant?” the liberal asked.
“I killed it with my club.”
“That’s amazing How big is your club?”
“Oh, we have about forty members.”
136
posted on
11/30/2012 9:54:46 AM PST
by
BenLurkin
(This is not a statement of fact. It is either opinion or satire; or both)
To: P.O.E.
137
posted on
11/30/2012 9:56:56 AM PST
by
BenLurkin
(This is not a statement of fact. It is either opinion or satire; or both)
To: All
138
posted on
11/30/2012 9:58:25 AM PST
by
musicman
(Until I see the REAL Long Form Vault BC, he's just "PRES__ENT" Obama = Without "ID")
To: Old Sarge
Ha. I’ll have to do that the next time I attend some worthless seminar.
139
posted on
11/30/2012 10:03:21 AM PST
by
IYAS9YAS
(Rose, there's a Messerschmitt in the kitchen. Clean it up, will ya?)
To: ArGee
Honey boo boo’ mom is rich and has a boyfriend.
How much crappier does your life seem now?
140
posted on
11/30/2012 10:03:32 AM PST
by
absolootezer0
(2x divorced tattooed pierced harley hatin meghan mccain luvin' REAL beer drinkin' smoker ..what?)
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