The Best and Funniest Country (esp. the South and Mid-West) Expressions [Vanity]

Pharmboy | 9-21-12 | Everyone

[Pharmboy]

I have always enjoyed hearing those funny and clever expressions handed down from grandmas and grandpas in the heartland. I grew up in the east, but went to school in the mid-west, and some of the guys I went to school with had some great ones.

I would love to hear some of yours.

I will start with a few that I heard years ago, and ask you folks to add your own favorites that you heard from friends and family.

My dad (NYC):

"Busier than a one-armed paper hanger."

From a buddy from Indiana:

"Well, he stands out like two turds in a pan of milk."

"She's crazier than a half-f***ed fox during the heat season."

From a guy from Georgia who lived down the hall [said about a woman who was not particularly attractive]:

She sure ain't nobody's pretty chile."

A woman from Maryland as she goes to answer the telelphone:

"What kind of fresh hell is this?"

Now you go...

[FreedomFighter1013]

Thank you, these two are great.
From my grandpa:
“Uglier than a mud fence. “
(While following a very large woman in pants) “looks like two hogs fightin’ in a gunny sack. “

[Noumenon]

“Slicker’n deer guts on a door knob.”

[DiogenesLamp]

So Stupid that “They couldn’t pour water out of a boot with the instructions on the heel.”

[TheThirdRuffian]

He’s as useless as a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.

Stronger than an acre of garlic

Slicker than a bucket of eels

hotter than a $2 pistol

f—d like a tied up goat

[yarddog]

I have heard Mother use that exact phrase too.

[Pharmboy]

These are great, folks, a few made me laugh and a few made me grin. And I just remembered one I heard from a construction guy in upstate NY (Delaware County):

"It's colder than a well digger's *ss."

[READINABLUESTATE]

Whoa! If he/she ever had to haul-ass they’d have to make two trips!

[familyop]

“Cold as a witches teat.”

“Colder’n a well digger’s a**.”

[yarddog]

“pass and repass” is another common one from my youth which I never hear any more.

[Revolting cat!]

"Nekkid like a intern at the White House" (North Alaska saying.)

[2nd Bn, 11th Mar]

Pole vaulting over mouse turds. (Midwest)

She was built like she’d been shot in the back with a coupla Zuni rockets. (Republic of South Vietnam)

[KittenClaws]

That reminded me of this

“They’re so poor they don’t have a pot to pee in nor a winda to throw it out of”

[Ronald_Magnus]

“I been to three county fairs and two goat ropins and I ain’t never seed nothing like that.”

[DooDahhhh]

We actually bought a T Shirt in Bejiing that had a monkey humping Sponge Bob.

[Cowman]

One that got me in trouble when I used it in a meeting with a politically correct PHD was an expression of my dad's

“Dull as a hoe”

[Rushmore Rocks]

“so skinny she’d have to jump around in the shower to get wet” Ozarks.

“Shit fire and save matches.” Texas

[tomkat]

             

[Noumenon]

Since no one else listed it: “She looks like she fell out the ugly tree and smacked every branch on the way down...”

[Pharmboy]

Oh geez...that is just brilliant. That’s one you would NEVER hear in NYC.

[yarddog]

When I lived in Texas I heard an old timer say “as clear as rat droppings in a sugar bowl”.