Posted on 03/15/2012 9:29:59 AM PDT by Altariel
Having a teenage daughter is a bit like living in the middle of a zombie movie. There will be a knock on the door, and when you open it you'll find standing there a smelly, unwashed, slack-faced male wearing ill-fitting clothes and wanting to take your daughter on a date. When she appears from where she has been shoveling on her makeup, he'll regard her with that zombie-hunger in his eyes.
Your natural impulse is to get rid of this one, but doing so doesn't improve things: There are others out there, a whole zombie army, shambling and moaning toward your home.
And what's really discouraging is that this is just the opening skirmish. As time passes, the zombies become more cunning. They learn how to penetrate your defenses, offering to help you around the house, disarming you with their seeming willingness to respect you. And then suddenly, one of them wants to marry your daughter, and you realize that you were lulled into a false sense of security.
Before this happens to you, I suggest you post these 8 Simple Rules to your front door, for all the zombies to read and heed.
Rule No. 1: If you neglected to ask my permission before you proposed to my daughter, don't worry about it. You can make it up to me by making sure your wedding is both beautiful and to a different woman.
Rule No. 2: There are many, many men your age in this world, but there is only one woman who is my daughter. She is unique. You, on the other hand, can be replaced at any time.
Rule No. 3: It has been my job all my life to make my daughter happy. Now it will be your job. My job will be to make sure you do your job. And don't think that just because my daughter has picked you it means you meet my personal standards for what is good for her. I haven't made up my mind yet and will be evaluating you over a time period known as "forever."
Rule No. 4: You may be wondering how to address me: "Dad"? "Bruce"? "Mr. Cameron"? Let's end the awkwardness. For the time being, I suggest you stick with "sir." Sample phrases to help you become accustomed to this term: "May I wash your car for you today, sir?" "Are there any tasks that I can do around the house while you watch the ballgame, sir?" "Is there anything I can do to make your life better, sir?"
Rule No. 5: Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that any man who wishes to marry my daughter should have a good job and a successful career. I'm not saying you need to be the sole source of income, but I am saying if you don't take care of my daughter, I will take care of you.
Rule No. 6: You do not have a legal contract with my daughter — she can break off the engagement if she wants and there is nothing you can do about it except change your name and move out of the country. The same goes for you: I would not want you marrying my daughter if you do not truly feel you are the right man for her, nor, if you break it off, would I want you marrying anybody else. Ever.
Rule No. 7: You may, in a very male episode of last-minute panic, decide that you need to sow some wild oats right before the wedding. Let's define our roles: If you are the sower, I will be your reaper.
Rule No. 8: The vows you will be taking commit you to be faithful to my daughter "'til death do you part." Be advised if you break your vows, I'll immediately exercise the second part of the contract.
Naturally, there's more to the whole equation than just what I've got here. These rules are excerpted from my new book, "8 Simple Rules for Marrying My Daughter" (Fireside, April 2008). If you've got a daughter, I suggest you pick up a copy before the zombies breach your defenses.
To write Bruce Cameron, visit his Website at www.wbrucecameron.com. To find out more about Bruce Cameron and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
When the right man shows up and captures his daughter's heart many years from now a friendship and a family will be built. We all fear what might happen with our kids. When a parent worries about their kids future, you know they are good parents.
Wait, am I the pup or the old man? I am not that old, really! Who did I threaten?
Guns don't kill people.
Dads with pretty daughters do.
I’m going shooting myself this weekend. My wife bought me a nice .38 J-frame snubbie (S&W 442) for my birthday. That’s a good woman, right there.
“I’m going shooting myself this weekend.”
At first glance, I thought this said ‘I’m going to shoot myself this weekend.” Glad I read that incorrectly! :)
A friend of mine told me once what his to be father in law told him at their wedding reception...This reminds me, for some strange reason, of an incident at the wedding of my then-girl friend's older sister back in the year. To put it politely, the sister's family (my girl friend was one of the few exceptions; she supported her sister and intended brother-in-law) put her intended through hell and back right up to the wedding day. (Short version: they took to unconscionable extremes the concept that nobody was good enough for their daughter, never mind that the guy was one of the nicest and most diligent and loving young men you'd ever want to meet.)“you ever decide, for whatever reason, don’t want her anymore, you bring her home... Don’t you dare hit her.”
Well, the wedding finally came about. As the reception wound down, my girl friend's mother and another of her sisters buttonholed me and asked me, point blank and soberly enough, "Do you really think they're going to last?"
Just as direct, I answered: "It's up to them. Nobody else has anything to do or say about it. It's their marriage, and they'll make it work or they'll make it fail by themselves. All you can do if it fails is be there for her. All you can do if it succeeds is . . . be there for them."
I let it go at that. I think it took them awhile to pick their jaws up from the floor.
The girl and I broke up long enough ago, but to this day I hope the sister's marriage is still intact and making fools out of her buttinski family.
Congratulations, JenB. I hope you and your Mr. have a long, happy and beautiful marriage.
Good luck in your home schooling. My wife and I have considered it, because even here in our very Republican/conservative town, we've got high school teachers who seek to push political agendas rather than impart knowledge as a primary avocation.
I know what you mean about schools. We live in a very rural area but at the local high school there is a fad of experimenting with homosexual activity, mostly young woman. I was shocked to hear about it. I want to protect my children from that perversion as long as possible.
Our future son in law (next month) called to invite us to ask for our daughter’s hand in marriage. He had to drive over 100 miles and I told him I could have saved him the fuel costs. He is one of those guys who you know is right for a future SIL. Daughter took home some BBQ chicken I’d made for them and she said he called her and told her he’d had it for breakfast the next morning.
Are you, maybe, my son in law? I’m always accusing him of stuff he didn’t do, too.
Congratulations! May God bless their union.
:-)
God Bless you and your husband. I am always impressed when I see a young man or a young lady who can act as if they have a head on their shoulders.
I am reminded of the son of a former USMC and Air National Guard pilot I met recently. He retired as a Col. after 28 years. He had flown combat in Desert Storm and Operation Iraqi Freedom. He had flown every fighter in the US inventory except for the F-22, and as I sat in his house looking at all the plaques on the wall, I could easily see this guy was Sierra Hotel. He’d gone to all schools, Top Gun, you name it. He had testimonials, pictures of him with famous people shaking hands, you could tell he made a mark.
His son was 16 years old. He was an impressive looking kid, crewcut, very athletic build, the most notable thing about him was his bearing. He met me at the door when I arrived, very polite and well spoken. He was wearing a USMC T-shirt, high and tight hair and looked like he was already in the Marines.
I spent about 4 hours with this career aviator, who had just retired from the military and was now flying Boeing airliners to Japan. He was a devout Christian, and told me that he had tendered his resignation because of the pro-homosexual policies he saw coming down from above.
He spoke about his son. He said his son was trying to obtain an Olympic slot in judo, and had been preparing to join the Marines. He said that his son was very focused, and had his religion. His son stood off to the side as we spoke, listening intently to us, but not interrupting us. I must say that I was astonished that his son was only 16 years old. He seemed completely and totally mature and adult, in complete control of himself. His father turned to his son and said “Tell him what you’re reading right now.”
His son said that he was reading a book named “The Book of Chivalry”. (This Is a Write up from Amazon.Com: The Book of Chivalry is the most pragmatic of all surviving chivalric manuals. Written at the height of the Hundred Years War, it includes the essential commonplaces of knighthood in the mid-fourteenth century and gives a close-up view of what one knight in particular absorbed of the medieval world of ideas around him, what he rejected or ignored, and what he added from his experience in camp, court, and campaign. Geoffroi de Charny was one of the quintessential figures of his age, with honors and praise bestowed upon him from both sides of the English Channel. He prepared the Book of Chivalry as a guide for members of the Company of the Star, a new but short-lived order of knights created by Jean II of France in 1352 to rival the English Order of the Garter. Elspeth Kennedy here edits the original French text of Charny and provides a facing-page translation for the modern reader. Richard. W. Kaeuper’s historical study places both man and his work in full context. In the formal themes that give Charny’s book structure, and in his many tangential comments and asides, this work proves a rich source for investigating questions about the political, military, religious, and social history of the later Middle Ages. With this translation, the prowess and piety of knights, their capacity to express themselves, their common assumptions, their views on masculine virtue, women, and love once more come vividly to life.)
I think this book would’ve been difficult reading for me, and I consider myself pretty well read and well spoken. His son expounded at length for about 10 min. on this book. Not once did he hem or haw, pause, say the phrases “uh”, “ahh”, “you know”. He talked about the concepts in the book, and how the core of the book was about caring for people who are weaker than you are, and that was what chivalry was really all about. It was astonishing. The 16-year-old kid seemed so mature and focused, I hadn’t really met a 16-year-old kid like him before.
His father told me (while his son was standing there) that his son was going to wait until he was married to engage in a sexual relationship. He then turned to his son and said something to the effect of “This is his choice of his own free will, not mine. We’ve talked about this at length, and he has told me how terrible it would be if I were to go out and engage in promiscuous relationships, and how ashamed he, as my son, would feel about my behavior. As an extension, he understands how will it affect him in our relationship if he were to engage in such behavior.” When I looked at his son, he looked easily at and said with no discomfort, shame or reticence “It’s true.”
His father turned to me and said “My son had been planning to join the Marines. He had been considering making a career of the military. He has decided, because of these policies towards homosexuality, that he is not going to enter the military.” His father continued “These people, running things, implementing these rules and policies, would have my son at their mercy. Just think of what people like that would do to a young man like him. No, I did not influence his decision in any way. But if he had asked my counsel, I would have advised him of exactly the same course.”
I was stunned and dismayed. But what an impressive kid. Good parenting, they had God in their house.
Holy Smokes, andy58-in-nh...I don't want to read about you in the Boston Globe!
Oh, wait...nevermind...I haven't read it in over a decade anyway...
Wow awesome testimonial. My children are mature but I must say that if I even mentioned their future sex life in front of someone else my oldest would shrink away and fade into oblivion. The young man will make a fine husband and father someday.
“It has been my job all my life to make my daughter happy. Now it will be your job.”
I don’t have daughters so I will never understand that one. Happiness is one’s own responsibility.
I must say, it left no doubt they had not only talked about the subject, but that it was a two-way, in-depth conversation that had a strong moral and philosophical bent to it.
I think that boy will make a fine human being...he is lucky, as are your children. You and my pilot acquaintance care deeply, but aren’t going to let those young people just jump into the water and swim. You are preparing them for life in that water.
I don’t have children, but the biggest pet-peeve I have is when I see parents treating their children as if they were friends. It saddens me, because it seems so...selfish in some way. I am always more impressed when I see people being good parents first.
IMO, that's the fundamental error underlying the whole thing. It's NOT a father's job to make his daughters happy. His job is to teach them to be holy. Same job, BTW, for his sons. Similarly it's not a husband's job to make his wife happy. His job is to help her to be holy. The converse is also true. Happiness in this life may well result from holiness, but is not an end in itself.
Or so it seems to me.
My FIL took me aside and quietly told me, “If you hurt her, I’ll have you killed”. I do believe meant it.
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My Grandaughter brought home a young Marine - stationed at TBS - Quantico - I ‘approved’ of him, after telling him her father was the ‘nice guy’ in this outfit and I got lucky and dropped the name of his CO and a top.
Never did have a ‘problem’ with him and he lasted ‘longer’ than most. I just hope it was more than perserverance.
He did get out and went back home - in the middle of a ‘war’, so, I guess times have really changed.
I really suspect he went ‘back over there’ and just didn’t want to talk (read brag) about it...at least my impression of the young lad.
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