|
Posted on 09/01/2011 1:15:08 AM PDT by JustAmy
|
Why did the runner quit the race against Bigfoot?
He couldn’t face defeet!!
Two peanuts where walking down the road and one was a salted!
What do you call a snail on a boat?
A Snailer!
Old Pastor
An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for an Internal Revenue Service Agent and his lawyer to come to the hospital.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the Room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each Side of the bed. The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, Smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man Would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also Puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he Particularly liked either one of them.
Finally, the lawyer asked, “Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come Here?” The old pastor mustered all his strength, and then said weakly, “Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s how I’d like to go.”
Etch-A-Sketch Tech Support
Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off? A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What’s the shortcut for Undo? A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a New Document window? A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color? A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch? A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch? A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document? A: Don’t shake it.
Insurance Claim
A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against .... get this .... fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in “a series of small fires.”
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion.
The man sued ... and won!!
In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be “unacceptable fire,” it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss.
Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge’s ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in “the fires.”
After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested... on 24 counts of arson!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms.
Anniversary Gift
For their anniversary, a couple went out for a romantic dinner. Their teenage daughters said they would fix a dessert and leave it waiting.
When they got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: “Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn’t do!” “
I suppose,” the husband responded dryly, “we could clean the house.”
Getting Into Fights
A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, “Are they relatives of yours?”
“Yes,” his wife replied. “I married into the family.”
For your entertainment, still more actual similes and metaphors found by high school English teachers from across the country in their student’s essays.
- The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
- The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
- He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
- The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
- It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
- He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
- Since light travels faster than sound, isn’t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
- How come abbreviated is such a long word?
- If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
- Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
- Why are they called apartments, when they’re all stuck together?
- Why do banks charge you a “non-sufficient funds fee” on money they already know you don’t have?
- If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
- When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
- Do fish get cramps after eating?
When a high school student tried using a thermometer to measure a table, his teacher was dumbfounded. In 15 years of teaching, Dave had seen many sad and shocking situations. But even he was amazed that a student could make it to high school without knowing the difference between a ruler and a thermometer.
When a friend told me this story, my heart broke for that student and others like him who have fallen so far behind in their education. They can’t move forward because they haven’t yet learned basic lessons of everyday life.
But then a sobering thought came to me: Don’t we sometimes do the same thing when we use wrong spiritual measuring devices? For example, do we assume that churches with the most resources are the most blessed by God? And do we ever think that popular preachers are more godly than those with few followers?
The proper measure of our spiritual condition is the quality of our lives, which is measured by such attributes as lowliness, gentleness, and longsuffering (Eph. 4:2). “Bearing with one another in love” (v.2) is a good indication that we are moving toward God’s goal for us: “the measure of . . . the fullness of Christ” (v.13).
Read: Ephesians 4:1-16
Thank you, Rus, for ODB - and inspiring lessons every day!
If JC’s computer were working, she would be here thanking you, too!
Wow, Dubya! You are on a ROLL, today! Thank you for all the funnies - I needed to smile this morning.
Hope things are going better for you, FRiend! Prayers continue each night and day.
((((HUGS))))
Beautifully done.
|
Lamh Foistenach Abu!
_________________________________________________________
Ephesians 4:1-16
King James Version (KJV)
Ephesians 4
” 1.I therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you that ye walk worthy of the vocation wherewith ye are called,
2.With all lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering, forbearing one another in love;
3.Endeavouring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.
4.There is one body, and one Spirit, even as ye are called in one hope of your calling;
5.One Lord, one faith, one baptism,
6.One God and Father of all, who is above all, and through all, and in you all.
7.But unto every one of us is given grace according to the measure of the gift of Christ.
8.Wherefore he saith, When he ascended up on high, he led captivity captive, and gave gifts unto men.
9.(Now that he ascended, what is it but that he also descended first into the lower parts of the earth?
10.He that descended is the same also that ascended up far above all heavens, that he might fill all things.)
11.And he gave some, apostles; and some, prophets; and some, evangelists; and some, pastors and teachers;
12.For the perfecting of the saints, for the work of the ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ:
13.Till we all come in the unity of the faith, and of the knowledge of the Son of God, unto a perfect man, unto the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ:
14.That we henceforth be no more children, tossed to and fro, and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the sleight of men, and cunning craftiness, whereby they lie in wait to deceive;
15.But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ:
16.From whom the whole body fitly joined together and compacted by that which every joint supplieth, according to the effectual working in the measure of every part, maketh increase of the body unto the edifying of itself in love.
...”
____________________________________________________________
You have surely been missed, AMY!
My prayers also go out to those in harm’s way from the wildfires in TX and OK, and to those who have lost so much, (and are still losing) from the effects of Irene.
That is a lovely graphic - are those lilacs?
Have a good week, Amy! We’ll leave the lights on for ya. (((HUGS)))
That is such a sweet opening, Amy! And, Lori - as usual - your graphic is stunning!
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.
