Dear Bride: 10 wedding complaints from your bridesmaid

There are few places someone can go to lament the loss of traditional values like FR. Today I'm lamenting the death (or terminal illness) of the sensible American wedding.

As a 24-year-old American girl, I attend lots of nuptials, and because of familial obligations certain brides couldn't eschew, I've even been an occasional bridesmaid. Every subsequent wedding I attend seems to be the next in a terrifying sequence of tacky one-upmanship. It's as though each bride has a "ridiculous counter" that ticks up and up during the planning until true perfection of ridiculousness is realized on the big day.

Here are the things that bother me, and I know you may be guilty of a few, so some of them are going to make you mad. And I'm not sorry, because all of them make me mad, so my situation is far more painful.

#1: If you are already living together, why are you having a lavish wedding and wearing a white dress? It's not fooling anybody, not even your blind and deaf grandma. We all know what you've been up to, and it is beyond me that you do not understand that this whole day is a little absurd because you've already been living the way you were supposed to live after this day. Own up to your behavior, save me $75, and go to the courthouse.

#2: I am never going to wear this horrid dress again. In fact, I'm reasonably sure that it was just a terrible practical joke at the dress factory, but by some tragic accounting error, it was shipped out, and now my body is wrapped in yards of shiny brown satin. If the only thing I can think when I look in the mirror while wearing the bridesmaid's dress you've chosen is: "You can polish a turd..." then you might want to reconsider this princess theme you seem to be going for. Also, it's May. Why on God's blossoming, springy, colorful, alive and green earth are we wearing brown?

#3: And what's with bridesmaids having to wear the exact same dress anyway? I have to wear a uniform at my job (short orange shorts and a white tank top); why should I have to wear one to a wedding? Is it to identify the two different teams? Team bride and team groom? Because I'm undecided--unless team I'd-give-it-three-years is forming in the back of the room. All these outfits really do is show who is on team idiot, because we're the only people here wearing a $300 uniform yet aren't getting paid.

#4: Oh, but you are getting paid: the bride is going to give you a $20 tchotchke for standing around looking like a melted tootsie roll for 45 minutes while a preacher the bride met for the first time last weekend rants on and on about a book of the Bible she's never even heard of. ("Wait, why is he talking about the Romans? I thought the Bible was about Jews. Ugh! Christianity is so contradictory.") If you're going to give me a present for being your bridesmaid, it should be a) a filled flask that can be concealed in this tacky dress, b) several doses of a narcotic painkiller to be taken 30 minutes before the ceremony, or c) a refund for this fashion-crime sausage casing that I'm wearing.

#4.5: Why did you write your own vows? They're not cute. They just made everyone in this room embarrassed for you. The vows the church uses were designed to basically say, "I'm not going to ditch you for your bridesmaid that I think I saw at Hooters last week." They are meant to say that you are entering into a permanent union, ordained by God, that you can't just back out of when it's not fun anymore. You don't realize how important these vows are. They are the referent for your behavior toward each other for the rest of your lives. But hey, you're smarter than some ol' dusty book! Write away, Shakespeare!

#5: I'm sure planet Tackyhostess is nice this time of year, but on earth, if you invite people to your party, you don't expect them to pay for their food and drink. If you don't have money for an open bar, close the damn bar. If you're a good bride, I've got my bridesmaid's flask by now, so I'm peachy. (Unless the flask is filled with something peachy. In that case, I'm angry.) I know everyone here was hoping to get some good booze as a trade off for you stealing $75 and an hour of their Saturday, but if that's the transaction taking place, I ask again, Why are we here?

#6: You've got to be on drugs if you think I'm going to send money to your travel agency so you can go on your honeymoon. Here's a novel idea: Don't spend money you don't have! (Say, maybe our congressmen are bridezillas in drag. Dennis Kucinich, I'm looking at you.) If you can't afford to go to the Bahamas for 2 weeks without panhandling, then go somewhere else. Why are you even going on a honeymoon? The point of a honeymoon is to get to know someone biblically, and you've got that covered, Miss It's-Just-Cheaper-If-We-Share-An-Apartment. In the age old game of "You can have a cookie that's been dropped on the floor now, or 5 star tiramisu later," you chose the cookie. Deal with it, and don't ask me to pay for your finally-making-it-honest vacation.

#7: Don't you dare ask me for cash! I'm beginning to suspect that instead of providing your bridesmaids with narcotic pain killers, you crushed them all up and snorted them yourself. Why else would you have the audacity to ask me for money when you have a job, car, house, dog, and a long-standing birth control prescription? I'm not getting anything out of this; what am I paying for here? The privilege of seeing you in a white dress that makes you look fat? Enduring multiple passes from your drunk "uncles"? Steal of a deal! I've only spent $450 on this event and I've already been groped twice!

#8: You don't deserve a damn thing. And you are not a princess. If you or your family don't have the money to pay for a royal wedding, don't organize a royal wedding. Just because your best friend's father spent $250,000 on a wedding doesn't mean you have to too. It only means he's an idiot or absolutely filthy rich, and if it's the latter, I'd like to know if there are any single men in the family, thankyuuvurymuch. People like you thinking that just because someone else has something, you deserve it too is why we're all up crap creek right now. And it's why you're going into your marriage with $50,000+ in debt, not counting the dream house you also deserve.

#9: I don't need steak tar-tar. I don't need lobster. I don't need caviar. I'll settle for something that's edible, tasty, and plentiful. I'm not impressed that the menu is written in French. I'm not impressed with the smorgasbord of imported seafood. I am, however, impressed with the ring-bearer who just put a spoonful of caviar into his mouth, spit it back into the spoon, and put the spoon back in the serving dish. My thoughts exactly, kid.

#10: You look trashy carrying around a bottle of beer in a coozy, Mrs. Justmarriedpants. I know you well enough to know we should all be sitting in an AA meeting instead of marching in this parade of fanciful denial, but couldn't you not imbibe once? Just this once? Don't you want to have at least one wedding picture that doesn't double as an advertisement for Budweiser? Don't you realize your drunk face is not cute? And how are all these drunk people getting home? If you didn't have the money for the Bahamas, I seriously doubt you've hired cars for your hammered guests.

#11: Why are you leaving in a limo? We all know you don't regularly ride in a limo. Why today? Are we supposed to think you're Jay Gatsby or John D. Rockefeller all of a sudden? And the limo has the company logo plastered on the side. "Enchanted Events Limos." It's just more evidence of the latent fantasy world you should have exercised by age 10.

So, dear bride, the bottom line is this: you're not fooling anybody. We know you are living together, so the white dress is a joke. We know you can't spell caviar, so that's a sham. We know you don't own the limo, so you're not tricking us into believing that you're fancy. And finally, we all know something you apparently do not: you are not a princess.

Your wedding should be a happy day. It should be fun, memorable, and most of all, easy. But it shouldn't be memorable because of how many people went to jail, and it won't be memorable because of how much money you spent. The guests will remember it fondly if it is tasteful, conservative, and genuine. And the greatest of these is genuine. If you're spending money on things to make you feel like a celebrity, you're going to be let down when a wedding becomes a marriage. So don't try to impress people, don't try to out do someone else. Just see it for what it is: the celebration of entering a covenant with God and someone else.

I’m glad I had the wedding I did. It’s a memory that I cherish. I hope I can give my girls the wedding of their dreams, whatever those dreams are.

See, that's what I keep coming back to. I read about your experience, and it's obvious to me that in reality your wedding was priceless to you, cherished still decades later. You got it for a song in the greater scheme of things. Something that I don't the overly pragmatic can ever truly appreciate.

And yep, I'm a guy. I had very little to do with my own wedding. I have no opinions on dresses, flowers, or what color brings out anyones eyes. I smiled, nodded and understood that while the marriage was about us, and hopefully children, the wedding was about her.

Well, I did have to explain to the groomsmen that they were wearing pink cumberbunds to match the bridesmaids dresses, and that was honestly all the stress I could handle. I was fearing for my life at points in that conversation. You'd have to have known these guys. Dressing up was cleaner denim than you wore to work. Not clean, just cleaner.

That's what I want for my daughter. A guy who understands that marriage is complicated, but has the God given sense to know that weddings are simple in that they're solely about the bride, and his only job is to remember his lines.

I live in South Jersey now...grew up in philly.

My poor husband had to get acclimated to my family. He was raised differently than I was and we met at college. He was used to the mid-west way of things.

In two weeks, we will be meeting our oldest daughter’s boyfriend’s parents...a year and half going out...they live 2 blocks from us and they are Italian descent (his college grad party). She’s worrying about this meeting. I think she’s worring about me and his mom meeting ;)It will be fine.

I’m looking forward to it. He’s a great guy. I like him. I bet his mom is the reason he’s so nice.

Thank you. My husband, and a few on this board, seem to realize this. Then there are the others, the most vocal, imo, who still don’t get it.

Why does it always come down to, with far too many women, how other women look/dress?

We have a parent at our school, her kid is in K, she is absolutely gorgeous. Beautiful. The woman is hot. Her daughter, in K, is just fine. no problems academically or behaviorally, But people hate her, trash her, because she’s so hot. The K teacher and I were talking yesterday, and this parent is always willing to do stuff for the class. But she’s hated because she’s hot. All the frumpy women and dickless men trash her for how she dresses, looks. It’s insane.

I think we were raised in similar economics - but just a different viewpoint on the wedding thing between Midwest and East Coast. Guess what kind of wedding my daughters will probably be getting? ;)

But yes - she is out of my league - she’s a far better person than I am!

My wife’s brother married a New Jersey Italian girl. Now talk about WEDDINGS!?

Heck - even going over to their house for dinner is an event. They brought out the spaghetti and I figured - “Oh, I love spaghetti”, filled up my plate and had my dinner. Little did I know it was just the first course of many, and I didn’t have much room left over for the two kinds of meat, numerous vegetable dishes, more types of pasta, etc.

Super nice family, but too over the top for me in EVERYTHING they did.

LMAO! That is their only job when it comes to the wedding. They get input in the church service but everything else is all about the bride (and her mom). The marriage is about the bride and groom, the wedding is about the bride (and her mom). My husband was hilarous. He wanted, or thought he wanted, to be a part of it. An hour later, he was done, lol.

LOL. gosh you sound just like my husband.

Kill me now about the pink. There was no pink in my wedding. But if there were, you can rest assured the groomsen would be wearing a pink cumberbund.

In my world, the wedding is all about the bride (and her mom) and the marriage is about the bride and groom and we stay out of it.

Yeah. We tend to be over the top that way. It’s all about the food most of the time. And the bar.

So many memories. Some saying to my Mom, hey ma, not everyone wants to eat all the time, and her replying, everyone wants a good meal. It’s just what we grew with.

My husband’s best friend, back when we were first married, and he was in his wedding in Palm Beach, FL...we went there for the wedding, paid by the bride and groom as it should be(amd as we did for our bridal party), my husband was best man...Jewish wedding. My first ever. Rehearsal dinner was at Breakers. OMG. Unbelievable. It was amazing. And there was a debutante ball going on in the room across from us and the mother of the groom took me to watch it, explaining all the tradition. It was fascinating.

That sounds like something hubby might’ve done to make me crack up...we went the JotP route also. Frankly, it was much less stress! And we had plenty of entertainment watching the guy before us nearly keel over from the blood draw in the lab, too.

I was at a wedding where they had a cash bar.WTF....I gave the happy couple a crisp 50 and now I have to buy my own gin and tonic.
Then there was the wedding where the bride and groom paid for the party withthe procceeds from the gifts.
And what is the deal with a bridal dance? It is like a cheap lap dance. at least the stripper stays on your lap for the entire song. Again, I gave you cash, and now you are hitting us up for more dough. Why not a 50-50 raffle or a Chinese auction?

I have been to fancy,hotel weddings, Countryclub weddings and firehall weddings and firehall wedding beat them all.
The last one there was so much food and drink that the DJ told everyone to go up for more food three times. And it was good food. Really good food.
Money dont mean squat. It is the planning that makes a wedding.

At our wedding, the bride wore silk homesewn dress and veil of her design, bridesmaids wore similar designed dresses in cotton, also sewn by the bride. Church wedding, reception in relatives backyard. modest catering, great fun. Married 49 years next week.

You didn't mention the photography.

I was at the local park last July on a 90+ degree day. There was a wedding party (bride, groom, 6 bridesmaids, six attendants, a young ring bearer and a flower girl in tuxes and wedding gowns) being photographed. They, of course had to do something "special" for the occasion, so the photographer tried to have the entire party jump all at once and photograph them in mid-air.

Let me tell you that it takes a lot of attempts to get 16 people to all jump at the exact same time and shoot them at the apex of the jump. By the time they were done the were all drenched in perspiration and very unhappy.

Of course, $3,000 dollars later the bride probably has a nice album collecting dust.

No I just read all of the comments in this section before I replied and then read the ones after.How is that stalking?I thought everyone read the comments before they replied?I already said it was fine what you did if that was your thing I’m just much more frugal and never had the desire to be a faux princess like some women do.I think it’s pretty petty of you to go “OH goody” after you’ve made a huge issue of being married for 22 years after I mentioned after seeing it more than once that we’ve been married longer.I don’t beleive I’m the one with issues as it is you who keeps making a big deal out of what you did and what you have.*eyeroll* I’m not really into that I guess it comes with being frugal and not being all that impressed with people who feel the need to do that.

My comment about silly was about the whole princess thing some women seem to think is a huge deal. It wasn’t and never has been to me. I’ve always been very self assured of who I am and never felt that need. My comme, she is the one who interjected herself in what I said and made it personal to her.I’m very frugal and that stuff just has never impressed me.That’s all.Over the years I’ve been blessed to become friends with people most would never guess had a dime to their name but come to find out were what is known as “old money” so I guess I’ve picked that attitude up a bit and know that those who make a huge deal out of what they have usually don’t.

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