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Posted on 05/31/2011 10:41:31 PM PDT by JustAmy
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I'd been secretly dating for several months, and it was time to break the news to my very protective father. My mother thought he'd take it better if she explained to him that my boyfriend was a Marine who had just returned from Iraq. This pleased Dad immensely.
"A Marine? Good!" he said. "That means he can take orders."
‘Charlie’ to be killed off in ‘Men’
LOS ANGELES (UPI) — Charlie Sheen’s character Charlie Harper is to be killed off when the U.S. sitcom “Two and a Half Men” resumes, TMZ reported Monday.
The entertainment news Web site said the Season 9 premiere of “Men” will show Harper’s brother Alan, played by Jon Cryer, and Alan’s son Jake, played by Angus T. Jones, as they learn of Harper’s death.
The script for the season opener is not finished yet and exactly how Harper will die has not been determined, TMZ said.
Sheen was fired this year because of his erratic behavior and substance abuse, as well as disparaging remarks he made about series creator Chuck Lorre. Ashton Kutcher has signed on to join the cast next season.
Wrong Guard
It was in the early 1960’s and spray deodorant, new to the market, was being advertised on television about six times a day. I was still living at home with my parents saving money for college. One afternoon after a hard day of construction and before dinner I took a nice hot shower.
After drying off I spotted a new spray can on the bathroom shelf. The label read “SafeGuard” and I was so surprised that my mom had bought some of that new deodorant so I sprayed a liberal amount under each arm.
When I entered the kitchen, where mom was fixing dinner, I thanked her for getting some new spray deodorant but also complained that it was pretty sticky and I didn’t know if I really liked it yet.
Her response still rings in my ears..
“I didn’t buy any spray deodorant, but I did buy some of that new bandage spray, SafeGuard!”
After shaving my arm pits in order to lift my arms and hours of laughing by my entire family I realized that RightGuard and SafeGuard were not the same thing.
Hasty Departure
A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was streaming out of the channel.
The ensign’s efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.
He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read,
“My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules — Make sure the captain is aboard before getting under way.”
A real-estate agent was driving around with a new trainee when she spotted a charming little farmhouse with a hand-lettered “For Sale” sign out front.
After briskly introducing herself and her associate to the startled occupant, the agent cruised from room to room, opening closets and cupboards, testing faucets and pointing out where a “new light fixture here and a little paint there” would help. Pleased with her assertiveness, the woman was hopeful that the owner would offer her the listing.
“Ma’am,” the man said, “I appreciate the home-improvement tips and all, but I think you read my sign wrong.
It says, “HORSE for sale.”
Trash Service
Instead of saying, “And here’s your receipt,” cashiers should say, “Will you throw this away for me?”
A Charity Case
A local charity had never received a donation from the town’s banker, so the director made a phone call.
“Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven’t given a penny to charity,” the director began. “Wouldn’t you like to help the community?”
The banker replied, “Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?”
“Um, no,” mumbled the director.
“Or that my brother is blind and unemployed? Or that my sister’s husband died, leaving her broke with four kids?”
“I … I … I had no idea.”
“So,” said the banker, “if I don’t give them any money, why would I give any to you?”
“Marriage Marathon”
With a couple celebrating their 50th anniversary at the church’s marriage marathon, the minister asked Brother Ralph to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all these years.
The husband replied to the audience, “Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions.”
The minister inquired trips to where? “For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China.”
The minister then said, “What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Ralph. Please tell the audience what you’re going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?”
Brother Ralph: “I’m going back to get her.”
“I was thinking about old age and decided that it is ‘when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it’.”
“If you’re ever attacked by a circus, go for the juggler.”
“Roadside Assistance”
Sandra was out driving her car and while stopped at a red light, the car just died. It was a busy intersection, and the traffic behind her starting growing.
The guy in the car directly behind her started honking his horn continuously as Sandra continued to try getting the car to start up again.
Finally Sandra got out of her car and approached the guy in the car behind her.
“I can’t seem to get my car started,” Sandra said, smiling. “Would you be a sweetheart and go and see if you can get it started for me. I’ll stay here in your car and lean on your horn for you.”
Buy A Verdict
Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client’s jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the state.
The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict.
When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time persuading the other jurors to see things his way.
“Sure did,” the juror replied, “the other eleven wanted to acquit.”
I was praying, simple conversation with God, and found myself asking for something. Again.
I thought, “I am constantly making requests! Wouldn’t you think the Lord would get sick of that? I just waltz in, any time of the day or night I feel like it, and pray. I thank Him and praise Him; often do ask for something and assume He is listening.”
Many years ago, as a mom of young children, I would try to stop and listen to my kids when they would come to me to ask, or tell, me something. I usually did, but not always. Our Father God made us for fellowship with Him. And yes, He is thrilled and delighted for us to come to Him, with requests, conversation, thanks, or just come to enjoy His presence.
Among the thousands of promises in the Bible are those which declare God hears us, and answers. A few are: Jeremiah 33:3? Call to me and I will answer you Psalm 17:6? I call to you, God, and you answer me. Listen to me now, and hear what I say. Psalm 6:9? The Lord has heard my cry for help; the Lord will answer my prayer. Psalm 91:15? They will call to me, and I will answer them.
There’s never a time the Lord won’t stop and give us His full attention. In fact, He is just waiting for us to ‘waltz in’.
That’s good news.
In his book Through the Valley of the Kwai, Scottish officer Ernest Gordon wrote of his years as a prisoner of war during World War II. The 6′ 2″ man suffered from malaria, diphtheria, typhoid, beriberi, dysentery, and jungle ulcers, and the hard labor and scarcity of food quickly plunged his weight to less than 100 pounds.
The squalor of the prison hospital prompted a desperate Ernest to request to be moved to a cleaner place—the morgue. Lying in the dirt of the death house, he waited to die. But every day, a fellow prisoner came to wash his wounds and to encourage him to eat part of his own rations. As the quiet and unassuming Dusty Miller nursed Ernest back to health, he talked with the agnostic Scotsman of his own strong faith in God and showed him that—even in the midst of suffering—there is hope.
The hope we read about in Scripture is not a vague, wishy-washy optimism. Instead, biblical hope is a strong and confident expectation that what God has promised in His Word He will accomplish. Tribulation is often the catalyst that produces perseverance, character, and finally, hope (Rom. 5:3-4).
Seventy years ago, in a brutal POW camp, Ernest Gordon learned this truth himself and said, “Faith thrives when there is no hope but God” (see Rom. 8:24-25).
Read: Romans 5:1-5
God’s Grace
I wonder how many people will delete this without reading it because of the title. It is a shame but this message is very true. Hope you are all as blessed as I was by this story.
There once was a man named George Thomas, pastor in a small New England town. One Easter Sunday morning he came to the Church carrying a rusty, bent, old bird cage, and set it by the pulpit. Eyebrows were raised and, as
if in response, Pastor Thomas began to speak. . . .
“I was walking through town yesterday when I saw a young boy coming toward me swinging this bird cage. On the bottom of the cage were three little wild birds, shivering with cold and fright.
I stopped the lad and asked, “What do you have there, son?”
“Just some old birds,” came the reply.
“What are you going to do with them?” I asked.
“Take ‘em home and have fun with ‘em,” he answered. “I’m gonna tease ‘em and pull out their feathers to make ‘em fight. I’m gonna have a real good time.”
“But you’ll get tired of those birds sooner or later. What will you do then?”
“Oh, I got some cats,” said the little boy. “They like birds. I’ll take ‘em to them.”
The pastor was silent for a moment. “How much do you want for those birds, son?”
“Huh?? !!! Why, you don’t want them birds, mister.
They’re just plain old field birds. They don’t sing. They ain’t even pretty!”
“How much?” the pastor asked again.
The boy sized up the pastor as if he were crazy and said, “$10?”
The pastor reached in his pocket and took out a ten dollar bill. He placed it in the boy’s hand. In a flash, the boy was gone. The pastor picked up the cage and gently carried it to the end of the alley where there was a tree
and a grassy spot. Setting the cage down, he opened the door, and by softly tapping the bars persuaded the birds out, setting them free. Well, that explained the empty bird cage on the pulpit, and then the pastor began to
tell this story:
One day Satan and Jesus were having a conversation. Satan had just come from the Garden of Eden, and he was gloating and boasting. “Yes, sir, I just caught a world full of people down there. Set me a trap, used bait I knew they couldn’t resist.
“What are you going to do with them?” Jesus asked.
Satan replied, “Oh, I’m gonna have fun! I’m gonna teach them how to marry and divorce each other, how to hate and abuse each other, how to drink and smoke and curse. I’m gonna teach them how to invent guns and bombs and kill
each other. I’m really gonna have fun!”
“And what will you do when you are done with them?”
Jesus asked.. “Oh, I’ll kill ‘em,” Satan glared proudly.
“How much do you want for them?” Jesus asked.
“Oh, you don’t want those people. They ain’t no good. Why, you’ll take them and they’ll just hate you. They’ll spit on you, curse you and kill you. You don’t want those people!!”
“How much? He asked again.
Satan looked at Jesus and sneered, “All your blood, tears and your life.”
Jesus said, “DONE!” Then He paid the price.
The pastor picked up the cage and walked from the pulpit.
I thank God everyday for my blessed life. I’m not rich, don’t live in a mansion and don’t have the nicest of material things, but, I’m healthy, have , a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food on my table, a family that
loves me and lifelong friends to get me through. I’d say I have a lot to be thankful for.
Talented Duck
A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich.
The bartender looks at him and says, “But you’re a duck.”
“I see your eyes are working,” replies the duck.
“And you talk!” exclaims the bartender.
“I see your ears are working,” says the duck, “Now can I have my beer and my sandwich, please?”
“Certainly,” says the bartender, “sorry about that, it’s just we don’t get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?”
“I’m working on the building site across the road,” explains the duck.
So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the bartender tells him about the incredible talking duck.
“Marvelous!” says the ringleader, “get him to come see me.”
So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The bartender says, “Hey, Mr Duck, I lined you up with a top job paying really good money!”
“Yeah?” says the duck, “Sounds great, where is it?”
“At the circus” says the bartender.
“The circus?” the duck enquires.
“That’s right,” replies the bartender.
“The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?” asks the duck.
“That’s right!” says the bartender.
The duck looks confused and asks: “What the heck do they want with a plasterer?”
Flying Dream
When I was young I dreamed of being a test pilot. Flying higher, faster, farther. Risking my life for the science of aviation.
But when I grew up I found out I wasn’t qualified because of my poor eyesight. Now I work in a post office which gives me many of the same thrills.
I’m always pushing the envelope!
Tips with English Grammar
1. Don’t abbrev.
2. Check to see if you any words out.
3. Be carefully to use adjectives and adverbs correct.
4. About sentence fragments.
5. When dangling, don’t use participles.
6. Don’t use no double negatives.
7. Each pronoun agrees with their antecedent.
8. Just between You and i, case is important.
9. Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
10. Don’t use commas, that aren’t necessary.
11. Its important to use apostrophe’s right.
12. It’s better not to unnecessarily split an infinitive.
13. Never leave a transitive verb just lay there without an object.
More Tips with English Grammar
14. Only Proper Nouns should be capitalized. also a sentence should.
15. begin with a capital and end with a period
16. Use hyphens in compound-words, not just in any two-word phrase.
17. In letters compositions reports and things like that we use commas
18. to keep a string of items apart.
19. Watch out for irregular verbs which have creeped into our language.
20. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
21. Avoid unnecessary redundancy.
22. A writer mustn’t shift your point of view.
23. Don’t write a run-on sentence you’ve got to punctuate it.
24. A preposition isn’t a good thing to end a sentence with.
25. Avoid cliches like the plague.
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