Posted on 02/16/2011 9:31:50 AM PST by JamesP81
I don't really have anybody I can talk to about this that would understand. I don't expect FR too either, but it's as good a place as any to vent.
You know what I do? I get up every day and go to work. I do my job and get my work done. I come home. I do it again the next day. And then again, and again, and again.
When I am dead, the most anyone will ever say about me is "he went to work ever day". If I were to simply drop dead, everything would pretty much be as if I had never lived. I have accomplished nothing noteworthy and I don't expect to. When my life is over with, the world will not be a better place, no one's lives will have been improved, and the evil that lives in the world will not have been pushed back.
This leaves me feeling....sick inside my soul. As if something is very, very wrong. The only thing I really look forward to is burying myself in the mundane of the normal to the degree that I do not think about these things. By and large this works, but some days I take my head out of the sand, and the result of that is days like today.
I've tried many things. When I was in school, I spent time every week in a nursing home. It did the folks there good to see anybody. But it did not fill the void. I am a blackbelt in karate and used to exercise a lot. It was good for me, but it did not fill the void. I have good friends, but I don't see them as much as I used to. We're all out of college, have jobs, and some have kids now. But even during the heyday of college, I couldn't fill the void with other people. I have hobbies. They're fun, but they leave me empty. I don't want to drop everything and be a drifter, but I don't want to sit still. I am not into carousing and having casual sex with whatever comes along. Never have been, and I'm fairly certain it would make me feel worse. I am a Christian; I do not speak to God as much as I should, but I do at times. He is supposed to have purpose for me, but I don't know what it is. I hope He has something for me other than work 9-5 until I'm dead.
A lot of people will say that your purpose is what you make of it. Every bit of evidence and observation I have tells me that's true. Yet I don't believe it, and never have.
In before "man up you wuss".
I spend my days in Afghanistan (married 35 years and remain married to this date) and my bride insists that she would rather see me happy in Afghanistan then unhappy in a cube day in and day out. But I will agree that perhaps you need to talk to a padre.
You can also realize (something I did a long time ago) I /you are not in control of "diddly" so if you are feeling less than inspired, then make a change.
PS IMHO there is a reason / purpose for everything, and God does everything for a purpose so don't try to second guess Him.
The reality is that we never really see what our contribution is. We might have a sense of it, or have a burning passion, but in all, it is left for those around us to see us and God. So, it is normal for someone who is even religious to have spells of wondering.
From Wikipedia on Mother Teresa:
Analyzing her deeds and achievements, John Paul II asked: "Where did Mother Teresa find the strength and perseverance to place herself completely at the service of others? She found it in prayer and in the silent contemplation of Jesus Christ, his Holy Face, his Sacred Heart."[83] Privately, Mother Teresa experienced doubts and struggles over her religious beliefs which lasted nearly fifty years until the end of her life, during which "she felt no presence of God whatsoever", "neither in her heart or in the eucharist" as put by her postulator Rev. Brian Kolodiejchuk.[84] Mother Teresa expressed grave doubts about God's existence and pain over her lack of faith:
Where is my faith? Even deep down ... there is nothing but emptiness and darkness ... If there be God—please forgive me. When I try to raise my thoughts to Heaven, there is such convicting emptiness that those very thoughts return like sharp knives and hurt my very soul ... How painful is this unknown pain—I have no Faith. Repulsed, empty, no faith, no love, no zeal, ... What do I labor for? If there be no God, there can be no soul. If there be no soul then, Jesus, You also are not true.[85]
With reference to the above words, the Rev. Brian Kolodiejchuk, her postulator (the official responsible for gathering the evidence for her sanctification) indicated there was a risk that some might misinterpret her meaning, but her faith that God was working through her remained undiminished, and that while she pined for the lost sentiment of closeness with God, she did not question his existence.[87] Many other saints had similar experiences of spiritual dryness, or what Catholics believe to be spiritual tests ("passive purifications"), such as Mother Teresa's namesake, St. Therese of Lisieux, who called it a "night of nothingness."
Now, you are not Mother Teresa and she is not representative of all deeply religious people. Its just a point, you can't argue she didn't have a purpose or make a difference. Its just in the privacy of our own thoughts, good people sometimes feel quite lost.
The feeling of burning passion or exaltation is a passing thing. Our feelings are not from God but our own minds and interpretations of what goes on around us. This is why we rely on Grace and our own determination to trust our passionate self when we made our commitments. Trusting that us that set us on this path and using reason to understand that the path is valid, even when our confidence, zeal and even interest flags.
I’ve been working for 32 years in the Pharma Industry.
Each day my work is rewarding to ME because in the end the work I do helps the sick.
Whatever work you do DOES have a benefit to other people, either a service or a product that improves life for others.
Take stock of what you do every day, do not lie, cheat or steal. Be kind to others and help them, for you know not who might be an Angel.
Tell your family and friends you love them for you do not know when you may never see them again.
It’s not rocket science, we’re here to help.
G
I thought about something like you say — that or a B12 deficiency, or similar. But who knows?
So I took this ultra-vain lament of the poster’s as something from someone perfectly sane and healthy and responded appropriately.
A computer scientist sounds like you may work largely alone ... perhaps you teach. People working alone can become isolated and lonely for real interaction.
Go today at LUNCH OR IMMEDIATWLY AFTER WORK AND FIND A DOG YOU LIKE AND TAKE HIM OR HER OUT FOR A WALK AND GET ACQUAINTED. iT GIVES A NEW PURPOSE IN DAILY LIFE ... AND A DOG IS A WONDERFUL FRIEND IN THIS WORLD AND ARE GOOD COMPANY sitting by you which is where they want to be. All the time. DO IT .
God help us in our day, in Jesus name, amen.
Become entirely responsible for another life. It will get you outside of yourself, and instantly, you will realize that while not everything revolves around you, you have made all the difference in the life of one of God's creatures.
Do it right, and you will find that it alters your worldview and ultimately enhances your relationships with people.
As others in the thread have mentioned, it wouldn’t hurt to talk to a doctor, as you might be suffering from depression. I know a number of people whose lives were improved significantly once they got treatment.
It seems like you want to find some big Purpose but may be overlooking that our purpose can be found in many smaller gestures. Here’s a link to a meditation by Lawrence Kushner which notes that we each hold the pieces to someone else’s puzzle:
http://knowledgecommunities.blogspot.com/2010/06/jigsaw-by-lawrence-kushner.html
Involve yourself in a charity. Do you love animals. Have a heart for less fortunate kids, sick kids, kids with disabilities? Battered women. The Elderly? I have felt the way you did in the past. I remember going to a Retirement Home and reading to some folks. Listening to their stories and asking questions. One gentelman passed away and when I was notified, i was told that he had left a very simple gift he asked the nurse to give to “that fella that reads to us”. A paper book mark! He couldn’t remember my name. It didn’t matter. I will never forget his.
Nice job.
What you say would be 100% correct...were there not a God.
I choose to believe there is a God (in fact, I can honestly say that I KNOW there is a God - a wonderful and loving God.)
If there isn’t, oh well. Belief in God has cost me nothing (in fact, it has been immeasurably rewarding).
I’ll pray for you. That’s what I can do.
You’re a Christian. Remember then, your presence in the world is pushing back the darkness. Just you being in the world pushes back the darkness. It doesn’t help the feeling that you presently have that maybe you are just taking up heat and light, but at least you need to remember your presence in the world as a Christian is accomplishing one of your main, stated objectives (push back the evil).
Next, get a checkup, and then see if your health plan covers a visit to a head shrinker and get yourself there. What your post says is that you are willing to help yourself. Do that much and see if there’s something medical going on.
My child is a type 1 diabetic, and pediatric diabetes is absolutely epidemic right now, and they have no idea why. There may be something environmental that may be causing depression as a symptom. Rule that out.
Then, pray by yourself. Just talk to God, and pull no punches. David once screamed at God in one of his psalms, “What glory would it bring you to have my enemies destroy me?” Essentially, he was saying, “What are people going to say when your public sees a man who’s come to completely depend on you fall to his mortal enemies?”
That took guts, I’d say, but it taught me that God is pretty well aware of both our shortcomings and our potential. If you want God to put you in the game, go ahead and ask him to put you in the game.
I’d be careful what you pray for, however.
Last but not least, pray with some like-minded (and like-hearted) people. Perhaps God will use that to bring to you the person that will set you off on the next part of your life.
One more thing, waiting is still doing something. Moses drifted around the ME for 40 years leading God’s people, even when he told Moses that he was going to die before setting eyes on it. Moses was a bad ass. One tough old bird. Moses also killed a guard and fled to his father-in-laws place just prior to God picking him (and his brother) to lead the Jews out of Egypt.
Moses was deeply, deeply flawed. He was mealy-mouthed, wishy-washy, and couldn’t put together an effective verbal communication together to save his life. After Moses continued protestations, God finally relented and shanghaied Aaron into being Moses’ mouthpiece.
Aaron was just minding his own business too.
You’re a lot healthier than you think. All I’ve done is suggested that you may need a plan. See if you are sick, and then start pestering the Boss. He’s very, very used to it.
Don’t make God hit you in the head with a board before you finally understand that He may have been ATTEMPTING TO GET YOUR ATTENTION FOR A WHILE NOW, and you are too wrapped up in your other concerns to see it.
All the best.
From what you write, you do sound very depressed. This is a forum, no one here is a doctor nor should we try to “help’ if its out of our league other than to offer you support.
Please go to a doctor. Being Christian and being clinically depressed are not mutually exclusive. You don’t treat clinical depression ( which is a biochemical imbalance) by reading the Bible, just like you wouldn’t treat diabetes or high blood pressure by going to church.
Your faith will help you to cope, but God made Doctors and medicine to help us.
No one with any sense or compassion would mock you. I suffer the same problem. I work with people everyday who have the same problem. I come from a family filled with the same problem...so, I ask myself....just what is it we expect out of life and ourselves anyway? Who made the rules up that we have to or need to or should feel any specific way. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross has some beautiful quotes on living.
“Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself, and know that everything in life has purpose. There are no mistakes, no coincidences, all events are blessings given to us to learn from.”
“The ultimate lesson all of us have to learn is unconditional love, which includes not only others but ourselves as well.”
“Our concern must be to live while we’re alive ... to release our inner selves from the spiritual death that comes with living behind a facade designed to conform to external definitions of who and what we are.”
We give ourselves our purpose. We define ourselves. You can change the way you look at life, yourself and all around you if you choose to do so. It is your decision and no one else’s. If you choose to find no purpose, to feel no purpose then be content with that because you have chosen this way of looking at your journey. At any time you can look at situations differently and change your own life.
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar and sometimes we are what we are....and it is okay.
Get married and have children. I know exactly how you feel and felt it for a long time before my daughter was born.
She changed my life and gave meaning to all those meaningless work days.
Don’t think it will make your life easier, it won’t. You will realize that you no longer have an exit as long as you have a child that needs you and depends on you. But the love you get in return will make it all worth it.
“Be fruitful and multiply” was not simply God’s demographic plan. He knows that children can bring meaning to an otherwise empty life of going through the motions.
Try it. Sounds like you have something wonderful to offer to the right woman (and don’t look for them in blue counties because they don’t live there).
Good luck and FReepmail me if you just want to vent or talk some more.
note to The Watchers, just kidding, it's a lame attempt at a joke
More seriously, most people lead lives of quite desperation, you are not alone.
That void is called depression. Believe me I know, I've been there.
Talk therapy can help, medication can help, being part of something greater than yourself can help, falling in love can help.
Are you of an age where you could join the military?
How about the Salvation Army?
Change something in your life! If nothing changes, nothing changes.
The single thing I think you should grasp (this is IMHO of course) is that you are part of the engine of creation, every thought, every breath, every step, you take.
And because you encounter others in your minutes, hours and days, you DO have impact. You are essential.
It is your choice to color that impact with whatever goodness, or badness, or blandness, that you choose.
That is the free will you are given by the Continuously Creative, that which we call God.
I happen to believe if you choose to demonstrate kindness and goodwill to others through the even most mundane of everyday decisions, a smile, a kind word, the offering of help, the show of concern— you do as much to reflect the cohesiveness of Love-that which we call God—as any human-based measure of achievement.
I happen to be believe if you live in a way that demonstrates personal integrity, clear-headedness and the ability to be empathetic, fair but strong, you reflect the order of that which is sustainably eternal, that which we call God.
Because you are a part of ‘all’, your birthright is purpose, your birthright, intrinsic reason-to-be.
You are a child of forever and your soul an eternal light of creation.
Jesus said, “the Kingdom is within”.
Never lose the awe of that phrase.
Because God is sacred, every move you make is sacred.
Do not let yourself suffer.
You are sacred.
Just don’t give up, man.
Your post reminded me of a quote — I hope it doesn’t sound too cheezy:
“What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal.” - Albert Pike
I really identify with your concerns and I wish I had time to post more. Maybe I can come back on later to give you some ideas.
Nice rebound bvw, but you scored in the wrong basket. It happens. lol
Several thoughts come to mind. Get a good physical and make sure there is nothing physically wrong. Depending on your age, several periods in ones life arise that cause us to question what we have done, the oft joked about “midlife” crisis for example. Sometimes a deeper calling from God first manifests itself as depression such as you are experiencing, try talking to God more, fasting as well. Christians are under spiritual attack constantly and the oppression in this age I believe is thicker and more intense than has ever been; the demonic modus operandi is to make every Christian feel isolated as though they are the only one trying to slug it out. I think you’ll find a lot of Christians right at this instant are feeling exactly the same way as you.
The answer is more God and more of one another ultimately; remember Proverbs: “One shall put to flight 1,000, one shall put to flight 10,000, and a three fold cord is not quickly undone!”
One prayer I often pray is that God may use me inspite of myself, inspite of my imperfections, that I might be made an instrument of his glory, a minister of his grace and a conduit of his love. For I have no high station in life, nor have I riches. Every good thing I have comes not of my self but from out of the will of God. I live twixt flesh and spirit,twixt a body of death I yearn to be free from and the promised glorified sinless body promised by Christ.
I’ll die too at some point and will be forgotten of man... yet while I live, I’ll live in the confident hope of that work begun in me, that it will be worked until its completion on that day...when we see HIM(!) face to face.
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