Posted on 02/16/2011 9:31:50 AM PST by JamesP81
I don't really have anybody I can talk to about this that would understand. I don't expect FR too either, but it's as good a place as any to vent.
You know what I do? I get up every day and go to work. I do my job and get my work done. I come home. I do it again the next day. And then again, and again, and again.
When I am dead, the most anyone will ever say about me is "he went to work ever day". If I were to simply drop dead, everything would pretty much be as if I had never lived. I have accomplished nothing noteworthy and I don't expect to. When my life is over with, the world will not be a better place, no one's lives will have been improved, and the evil that lives in the world will not have been pushed back.
This leaves me feeling....sick inside my soul. As if something is very, very wrong. The only thing I really look forward to is burying myself in the mundane of the normal to the degree that I do not think about these things. By and large this works, but some days I take my head out of the sand, and the result of that is days like today.
I've tried many things. When I was in school, I spent time every week in a nursing home. It did the folks there good to see anybody. But it did not fill the void. I am a blackbelt in karate and used to exercise a lot. It was good for me, but it did not fill the void. I have good friends, but I don't see them as much as I used to. We're all out of college, have jobs, and some have kids now. But even during the heyday of college, I couldn't fill the void with other people. I have hobbies. They're fun, but they leave me empty. I don't want to drop everything and be a drifter, but I don't want to sit still. I am not into carousing and having casual sex with whatever comes along. Never have been, and I'm fairly certain it would make me feel worse. I am a Christian; I do not speak to God as much as I should, but I do at times. He is supposed to have purpose for me, but I don't know what it is. I hope He has something for me other than work 9-5 until I'm dead.
A lot of people will say that your purpose is what you make of it. Every bit of evidence and observation I have tells me that's true. Yet I don't believe it, and never have.
In before "man up you wuss".
I fight those sentiments myself sometimes. I choose to pick 3 things every day, that I’m thankful/grateful for. Some days more than 3.
Simple things sometimes, like
having clean water to drink and shower with.
A bed to rest and sleep in.
Food in my stomach when I’m hungry.
And I thank God.
Yes! I recommend Barlean’s Omega Oils. Very helpful for recurring depression. Fresh spinach seems to help, too, when I feel gloomy.
The more I hear about Charlie Sheen, the more thankful I am that I too am an ordinary, average, middle aged guy.
Hang in there James, lots of us have been where you are.
James, I don’t know if it helps to consider how someone else has it worse than you do.
But if so... then read post 44 and count your blessing that at least you’re not Soothesayer.
And Soothesayer... you can count yourself lucky to be in America. I’m almost inclined to chew you out for taking such an attitude - living as you do in the most prosperous nation ever in the history of mankind. I suggest you go google the stats on how Americans live as opposed to the rest of the world.
An exceptional response.
Always remember that you are unique, but you are not special. You are entitled to nothing. Earn your living every day, no matter what it is you are doing.
The meaning of life is to live it. It’s no more difficult than that.
Read the Bible. Read A Purpose Driven Life. If they don't do it for you (they didn't for me-I just kept feeling like a failure because the epiphany never came), read Atlas Shrugged. The whole world opened up for me after that.
“Ok promise us you won’t do something silly.”
No, nothing silly.
IMHO here is a big part of the problem.
The question/theory about depression as a mental state can make you look at it seriously.
I face it daily having lost my wife and being childless (not that that should make a difference), also my mother, my best friend, my dog... I could go on.
Especially the fact that I am a computer consultant who works from home, often at night or very odd hours, and have nothing at all that might resemble a “normal life”.
Now in college many years ago, I did in fact do some “testing” of various “chemicals”.
And while there is some temporary boost out of it, it’s pretty much a dead end road and it’s been years since I tried anything mind altering, other than a good bottle of 18 yr old Scotch.
I have always felt that if a person is good, he has a chance to be happy. A person who HONESTLY has questions about the universe and faith and karma and morals would get answers.
But this is simply not true.
And to compound the issue, a few years back there was an item on the nightly news.
It seems there was a woman who had suffered severe, life threatening depression for years. No drugs would work, she had basically become immune to any of the ones that had helped in the past.
Based on various results scientists had seen in lab testing with animals, they decided to send a probe into her brain - a very specific region, that literally consisted of a few hundred or a thousand neurons.
Then they sent in a tiny voltage.
She got more animated.
They pushed up the voltage.
She started to speak more.
You get the picture. In a few minutes, she was smiling and telling jokes.
Now she is permanently fitted with a stimulator like a pacemaker I guess.
BUT!!!
For a guy like me who tries to make more cosmic interpretations of things, and find the all important REASON that everyone says god has, I was floored by it.
First, is that all “happiness” is? A couple special neurons in the brain partying down?
Second, for all those people who said “Drugs don’t make you happy. It’s a false happiness” one has legitimately have to say well then what the H is so honest about hooking up a car battery to your skull and thinking that is “real” happiness?
It just keeps going back to the mechanical nature of man, and no matter what we try, in the end we will remain MOSTLY unfullfilled, and our questions unanswered.
Au contraire, to use the esperando — I am the most sympathetic poster to him. Most others, it seems to me, don’t care about HIM they only care about themselves.
Prayers in this state won’t help him. Good deeds, as he knows them, won’t help him.
That’s why trouble and/or a woman are needed.
The unlimited death and misery in the world should not make you happy to be relatively better off. It should make you angry that others are experiencing it. The “glass half full” view is definitely a more pleasant way to live but there seems to be something very wrong about it.
Maybe this is what sanity looks like but it seems insane to me. Sorry but that’s what it looks like.
James,
Find something healthy that makes you laugh. Listen to upbeat music even if you don’t feel like it. You sound like you are fit - exercise and get those endorphins poppin’. Get a pet - a dog or cat. You’ll never regret it.
And, seek professional care if you need it. Please. It is amazing how very modest meds can help.
James, I will keep you in my prayers. Sincerely, I will.
BINGO!! And if you know how the ego works, you can change the world.
James, it’s fine that you told us you’re feeling a bit of dysthymia (unable to find joy in your life). Since you already are bracing for any rudish comments, you will risk those to get some real help from your FRiends here - surely someone will say something to help.
My first thing is to start with your nutrition. Lacking something important can really do a number on you. I know someone else who suffers from low grade depression and when he supplements with and eats enough Omega 3 fats, he feels SO much better. So my first prescription for you is to go and buy some WILD pacific salmon and have it for dinner tonight. Buy frozen, or fresh if you can afford it. Also, soonest, go to a GOOD health food store and buy a QUALITY BRAND (not a cheapo drugstore Made-in-China brand) of Omega 3 fish oil capsules. I know for a fact that Nordic Naturals is a very good brand, but I am sure there are others. Whole Foods carries it. Or buy your fish oil online at a decent place like www.iherb.com if you don’t have a good local source.
Sometimes the same life can look so much better when nutritional adjustments are made. With NO BAD SIDE EFFECTS like the horrible serotonin uptake drugs.
Next, are you thinking at all about dating, marriage, children? I have a lot of female friends, and most of them have paired up and had kids, and while they have a lot to complain about, they do feel fulfilled, especially by their having had kids. The one friend I know of who feels terribly unfulfilled is a successful writer who has been published and everything, but no kids, just a live in boyfriend. SHE of all people, she who has MADE a mark in literature on the world, feels unfulfilled often, like her life has no meaning. So maybe there is something to this reproducing thing! :) (But I know having kids is not for everyone...)
Another way to make your life meaningful to others is to be out there HELPING. Maybe give lessons or assist others in teaching kids or newbies in your hobbies or sports.
It is NORMAL to feel like you do SOME of the time, We just don’t want you ALWAYS feeling like this. Start with upping your nutrition. Go for the Omega 3s - you are probably depleted. Add vitamin D and C to your life. Drop as much sugar and alcohol as you can from your life — both are depressants. Eat hearty on meat and protein, and good fats like butter, coconut oil, and uncooked olive oil (only good for cold foods like salad).
I wish you the best. A smile SOON. Sending you prayers and love from a stranger — prayers and love from strangers can give you a smile. :)
This will only distract him from his pain, which may be better than nothing, but it will not get rid of his pain so he can find inner peace. As soon as the distraction's effect has worn off, it is likely he will be worse off.
The purpose of life is NOT “inner peace”.
Horrible advice. Those drugs are very bad. I would only even consider them for the very suicidal. It's not the healthy way to adjust your serotonin. The side effects are worse than the good effects. First use nutrition. The results are FASTER too.
You are more than welcome to believe that which you do not possess. If you did possess it, you would not have made such a comment.
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