*~*~*ThE oFfIcIaL fRiDaY sIlLiNeSs ThReAd*~*~*

http://content.patriotpost.us ^

[Lucky9teen]

No pun in ten did

The ability to make and understand puns is considered to be the highest level of language development. Test your pun comprehension:

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, “Dam!”

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies “Yes, I’m positive.”

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?”, they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain , they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him … a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, Patriot Humor sent ten different puns to their subscribers, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365. His meals are provided at no cost to him. He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him. He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep. If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep. He receives these accommodations absolutely free. He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day. I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head: My dog must be a democrat!

And now for some cartoons...

[a fool in paradise]

Top 150! Woooooo!!!

[a fool in paradise]

I heard a rumor that Obama’s real daddy was Swedish. He was Bjorn in Hawaii.

[Lady Jag]

White gold Lexus SUV -


THEIRS


MINE

[ShadowAce]

A research group was engaged in a study of longevity in mammals and had recently focused their attention on a particular species of porpoise, which they studied from their floating laboratory off the coast of Baja Mexico. They came to believe that, if fed just the right combination of nutrients, this particular porpoise could, in theory, live forever.

To put this to the test, they studied the world's flora and fauna to see if any naturally occurring organism would fit the bill. They finally narrowed the selection down to an unusual species of mynah bird, and they sent a team of researchers off to gather a specimen.

It turns out that the mynah bird in question was quite rare, living only in a single tree in Kenya. The research team finally arrived at the tree to capture a bird, only to find that the tree was surrounded by a pride of very hungry lions, precluding any reasonable attempt to approach and climb the tree.

A suggestion was made that the lions might be manageable if they could be fed, and a couple of fat cape buffalo were captured and offered to the lions. The hungry lions devoured the hapless beasts and lay down upon the grass to digest their meal.

One of the researchers then gingerly tiptoed past the lions, climbed the tree, and had little difficulty capturing one of the mynah birds. He climbed back down the tree and walked past the lions to rejoin the group when a game warden appeared and arrested him for (what else)...

"Transporting mynahs across sated lions for immortal porpoises."

[ShadowAce]

A Grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning when he had made her coffee.

She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?"

Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV-'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"

[Pan_Yan]

That was way too long and, well, downright awful.

You win. Or lose. Depends on how you look at it.

[ShadowAce]

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.

One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.

The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"

"No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

[ShadowAce]

That was way too long and, well, downright awful.

Ahh!! The holy grail of puns!!

[Pan_Yan]

Remember the ofst with all the limericks and haiku's? Now that was a classic.

[martin_fierro]

It doesn't get much sillier that this (now on day 2!)

[a fool in paradise]

Not according to algore and Obama...

The breaking point for taxes on "those making $250,000 or more" goes back to Algores bad math that earning $250,000 makes you a millionaire "after 4 years".

[a fool in paradise]

Ted Kennedy’s home movies?

[MortMan]

Some enterprising bartenders have come up with a drink in honor of Captain Sullenberger.

It’s called the Sully: Two shots of Grey Goose and a splash of water!

[Touch Not the Cat]

.
Nice!

[Hoffer Rand]

There is a society whose members search for the perfect berry. Members grow berry bushes and cultivate crops. They cross breed berry varieties. They go on wild berry picking expeditions, all in hopes of finding the ultimate, perfect berry.

One day, a young, amateur berry enthusiast was out searching for berries without any success, when suddenly right in front of him, there it was. The perfect berry. The perfect size, the perfect shape, perfect color, perfect sheen, everything. He couldn’t believe it. Quickly he got out his berry guide to read how to pick the perfect berry and very carefully, very slowly, very gently, he picked the perfect berry. Quickly he hurried home with his treasure. He placed the perfect berry on a velvet pillow, under a glass jar. He thought he should notify the berry society about his find. Everyone would be so excited. Nobody in the world had ever found the perfect berry. He would be famous. Then he thought he could make money by charging admission to see the perfect berry. So that’s what the amateur berry enthusiast did, and sure enough, berry society members came from all over the world to see the perfect berry. And they paid him to stand around the glass case and stare at its perfect beauty.

After a few weeks the berry enthusiast was exhausted. Berry society members started lining up before dawn every day. They stayed in his house all day, staring at the perfect berry, exclaiming how perfect and beautiful it was. They didn’t leave until late at night. He wasn’t getting any sleep. He wasn’t getting any time to eat. He was making money, but he wasn’t happy with all the people in his house. He decided to close the perfect berry exhibit. The last day of the perfect berry exhibit arrived. The crowds were bigger than ever. People stayed and stared longer than ever. Finally, after midnight the man pushed the last berry society member out the door and closed it. Tired and hungry, he collapsed into a chair. Then the doorbell rang. Groaning, he stumbled to his feet and went to the door. Standing there were three men.

“Go away,” the berry owner said, “The perfect berry exhibit is closed.”

The man shook his head. “No,” he said, “You do not understand. We are thieves. And we are here to seize your berry, not to praise it.”

[april15Bendovr]

[Hoffer Rand]

algore killed the OFST...

[Lucky9teen]

Now...this thread needs more

cowbell

[Mears]

bfl

[Hoffer Rand]

Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram