To prove to his critics he can read.
Click on my profile page and read the joke about the two little brothers who fought all day.
Years from now Obama and Bush die of old age only a second apart.
They arrive at the Pearly Gates. Obama died only one second before W so he is ahead in line.
St. Peter says to Obama, “Here are your robes of silk and your staff of gold. Welcome to Heaven”.
W steps up next. St. Peter says to Bush, “Here are your robes of cotton and your staff of wood. Welcome to Heaven”.
George asks, “St. Peter, he gets silk and gold? And I get cotton and wood?”
St. Peter says, “George, while you were President, the people slept. While Obama was President the people prayed. The Lord rewards results.”
From an Email:
Baskin Robbins is introducing a new ice cream in honor of the inauguration, Barocky Road. It’s half vanilla, half chocolate, surrounded by fruits and nuts!
Indian Chief, “Two Eagles,” was asked by a white
government official, “You have observed the white man
for 90 years. You’ve seen his wars and his technological
advances. You’ve seen his progress, and the damage he’s
done.”
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, “Considering all these events, in
your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?”
The Chief stared at the government official for over a
minute and then calmly replied. “When white man find
land, Indians running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty
buffalo, plenty beaver, Clean Water; women did all the
work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day
hunting and fishing; all night having sex.”
Then the chief leaned back and smiled. “Only
white man dumb enough to think he can
improve system like that.”
Obama
He tried it out, went out riding yelling few! few! few! the horse was running fast but then came upon a giant cliff. He forgot how to stop and started yelling NO! STOP! DONT! WHOA!!
He stopped just at the edge of the cliff and said phew! That was close...
obummer!
A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Georgia recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin’ a cove well-known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, “Do you have a license to catch those fish?”
“Naw, sir”, replied the redneck. “I ain’t got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish.”
“Pet fish?”
“Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let ‘em swim ‘round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take ‘em home.”
“That’s a bunch of hooey! Fish can’t do that.”
The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, “It’s the truth Mr. Government Man. I’ll show ya. It really works.”
“O. K.”, said the warden. “I’ve got to see this!”
The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the warden says,
“Well?”
“Well, what?”, says the redneck.
The warden says, “When are you going to call them back?”
“Call who back?”
“The FISH”, replied the warden!
“What fish?”, replied the redneck.
United States Secretary of Education Arne Duncan has not surprisingly said that he’s open to renaming the “No Child Left Behind Act” something else. The underlying law is the Elementary and Secondary Education Act, it’s not going anywhere but a new name is likely in the offing.
So let’s have a contest! See all entries at: http://www.eduwonk.com/2009/02/a-contest-name-that-law.html
No Child Left Untested
FETA: Federal Education Takeover Act
“Reach Out And Test Someone” Act
REDO: Resourcing Educational and Developmental Outcomes
Standardized Testing Company Federal Bailout Relief Act
No Excuse Left Behind … because they’re always coming up with new ones.
MY PERSONAL FAVES:
The We’ve Subsidized All the Wrong People to Breed and Now We Expect Their Children To Succeed ? Act
Officially Mandated Governmental Learning Ordinance Legislation act (OMG! LOL! act)
Re-Organize Teaching Fundamentals and Lessons act (ROTFL)
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism
or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered
a deal: he’d have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews
won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they’d have to convert or leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it
would be a ‘silent’ debate.
On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
The rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too
clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.
Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.
The Pope said, “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by
holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our
beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us.
The rabbi responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with
us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins, and the
rabbi pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move
and I could not continue.”
Meanwhile, the Jewish community g athered to ask the rabbi how he’d won.
“I haven’t a clue,” said the rabbi. “First, he told me that we had three days to get out of
Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared
of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here.
“And then what?” asked a woman.
“Who knows?” said the rabbi. “He took out his lunch so I took out mine.”
bttt for jokes:)
C'mon people!
b
*The Dead Horse*
*Young Chuck in Montana bought a horse from a farmer for $100. The farmer
agreed to deliver the horse the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad
news... The horse died.”
*
*Chuck replied, “Well, then just give me my money back.”
*
*The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”
*
*Chuck said, “Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.”
*
*The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”
*
*Chuck said, “I’m going to raffle him off.”
*
*The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!”
*
*Chuck said, “Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.”
*
*A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, “What happened with
that dead horse?”
*
*Chuck said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece
and made a profit of $998.”
*
*The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”
*
*Chuck said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.”
*
*Chuck grew up and now works for the government. He’s the one who figured
out how this “bail-out” is going to work.
*
Saint Peter to first guy: Tell me your story. Why should I let you in?
First guy: I pay my mortgage on time every month, I'm up to date on my credit cards, and I have money invested--all in CDs.
Saint Peter: OK, you can go in. (To the next guy): What's your story?
Second guy: I'm a faithful husband, I support my family, I'm good to my children, and I love my dog.
Saint Peter: OK, go on in. (To third guy): And you?
Third guy: I drink, I smoke, I snort cocaine, and I'm way behind on my taxes.
Saint Peter: What have I seen you in?
Thank you for the stress relief!!!! :-D