Posted on 12/23/2008 5:37:03 PM PST by Lizavetta
The Annual Christmas Letter: What They're Not Telling You
For the past few Decembers, I've tried my hand at composing and mass-mailing perky letters full of my year's highlights, but I've grown tired of the "brag letter" and "best-of" letter format. So this year, I decided not to write one. Christmas letters have escalated into a competition sport to see who's children are enrolled in the most lessons, who went on the most exotic vacation, or which mother has managed to develop the most impressive talent in her spare time.
For example, I received a Christmas letter from an over-achieving Super-Mom that listed her family's achievements over the past year, adding to the previous year's glories. Her bragging-yet-humble tone made me roll my eyes with disbelief. The letter reads something like this:
Christmas greetings! Let me tell you some of the exciting achievements of my darling family. Winston, our genius 6-year-old, is developing far ahead of your children. His favorite bedtime story is currently War and Peace, and he loves to discuss Eastern Philosophy over his afternoon snack. After learning and mastering the piano last year, he's moved on to a new challenge: conducting the Utah Symphony with Keith Lockhart We're so proud of him! But we don't push him! Heavens no! We simply guide his interests while gently reassuring him that if he doesn't get into Julliard by age 12, we'll disown him.
We haven't neglected our second born, Charles Mayhew, now six months old. He's learned sign language while breastfeeding, so he can communicate his wishes such as, "I'm done", "more milk," and "Mom, you need more folic acid in you diet."
I'm a very busy as a mother of two child prodigies, but I still find time to be PTA President, the Science Fair Chairman, and a spelling bee judge (in which Winston took first place, again... where am I going to put all of his trophies?). I also play the harp, sing with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, and bake six dozen cookies every day for homeless shelters.
Our many exciting vacations this year included Disneyland, Disneyworld, and Disney Europe. My husband Darren's executive-level job with a Fortune 500 company also took us on a Carribean cruise. Despite eating all that delicious food at every buffet, I actually came home 10 pounds thinner! Darren continues to work hard and make valuable contacts all over the world, and his 401k account is doing great, even though the rest of America has lost most of their retirement savings in the recession.
We hope you holidays are almost as perfect as ours, and we hope we've given you something to shoot for.
Merry Christmas and a Prosperous New Year,
Sheryl Snoots
The thing about Christmas letters is, they only give you one side of the story: the polished-up, spit-shined, happy version of life. Nobody sends out a downer Christmas letter with an accumulation of the year's bad news- "I'm getting divorced, the dog died, I have colon cancer"-- that sort of news.
So, in an effort to cheer up all of us average shmoes whose lives can't possibly measure up to those over-achievers out there, I (humbly) offer what I imagine to be the other half of the story, or, in other words, what Mrs. Snoots isn't telling you:
Merry Christmas to friends and family that I don't make an effort to see the rest of the year. This year has been the worst yet. In case you haven't heard it from my hair stylist or my gossiping neighbors, I thought I'd let everyone know: I'm barren. That's right, no more Fertile Myrtle. So I'm taking prescription drugs to stave off deep depression.
My 6-year-old son Winston, despite expensive therapy, still wets the bed, sucks his thumb and washes his hands forty times a day. I'm still suffering post-partum depression after the birth of Charles "Mayhem". The doctor says the drugs in my breast milk probably won't have any long-term effects on him.
As for my husband Darren, he finds excuses to go on more and more "business trips." (Does anyone know a good private investigator?) The IRS is also investigating him for tax fraud. We could lose our house by next Christmas.
As for me, I'm so busy trying to keep up appearances and make hand-made, Martha Stewart-type gifts to give to neighbors whom I hardly speak to, that my hair is going gray. I also got an intestinal tapeworm from our Carribean cruise. Oh, and did I mention my other secret for staying so thin? I'm bulemic.
Hope your holidays can keep up a brave facade that doesn't send you running screaming into the streets!
Yours,
Etc, etc.
On second thought, maybe I should send out some sort of Christmas letter this year so people don't assume the worst and think the fact that I have no news worthy of reporting must mean I've had a really, really horrible year.
Wonderful! A keeper - one of my favorite segments of the Howie Carr show.
I used to crack up every year when we’d get the family portrait card from a “friend” that showed she and her hubby, 3 adorable dark headed, olive skinned Italian children and the one tall blonde from the affair she had the month before they married. Oops....I still wonder what they told his family about that....
you are a missionary in Indonesia? wow
I guess I’m afraid my news will be interpreted as bragging.
We’re on furlough right now and in Alabama. Our return visas have just been granted so we’ll go back about the 15th (a little more paperwork has to be done and all the offices are closed now).
I’m with you. I like hearing about what my friends and relatives have been doing during the year. Even if you exchange notes with people more than once over the year, it’s hard to cover everything about their jobs, visits, kids, grandkids, pets, etc. If I didn’t like the people enough to care, I wouldn’t exchange Christmas cards with them!
I typed a letter for the first time, this year. With ten of us, it just takes too long to give even a brief mention of each if I hand-write them individually. At least my friends are getting a card, instead of wondering if we moved or died.
God bless you and your work.
Thank you. Be sure to pray for us.
Always.
I get mostly cards, but 2 come in printed letter form. The sender makes all the difference:
I have a very eliteist liberal sister in law. Overpaid and underworked principal at a public school. She once said “I can’t believe how much they pay me for what I do!”. (That was real nice for an overtaxed property tax payer to hear!)
She is “nouveau riche”. New Money. Has no CLASS. Comes from humble background and now flaunts her wealth like a clod.
I stopped reading her brag letters years ago. I literally rip it up when it comes.
On the other hand my favorite Christmas letter is from my dear old aunt and uncle who are actually CHRISTIANS and are humble, sweet and lovely people. They send a card and enclose the letter with it. I look forward every year to their letter and the personal note that they add to it.
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