(Vanity) Help! Desperately need advice re: aging parent

[yankeedame]

Hello,

My husband and I are suddenly faced w/ a crisis re: his father that has gone from bad to worse. Here are the facts:

• My husband's parents live in central Illinois with a population of about 38,990. Not too far from Scott AFB. He is retired Army
• We live in Ohio
• My husband's brother ;ives In Vir.; his sister in Minn. and his other sister in Kentucky.
• Merle, my fil, has been acting "different" little by little for nearly a year, getting worse.
• Today my husband got a call from his brother who got a call from fil neighbor who said that Merle became agressive towards the handiman on the house across the street -- claiming the handiman was trying to burn down his house, etc., etc. In short it got so bad the cops had to be called out, etc.
• My fil is 87, my mil, frail Japanese woman of poor eyesight, is 84. They have NO kin folk nearby

This is where things stand as I write this. Neither my husband (God love him) nor his siblings are what you would call take-charge...but now they-- or a least one of them!-- needs to take charge. But nobody knows what to do re: Merle...and my m-i-l.

Needless to say, there's a LOT more to the circumstances than this but hopefully it's enough to give you a rough idea.

I would grateful, most grateful for any advise you could give, or relate experience(s) you have had. My husband want to go out there but,frankly, he hasn't a clue as to what to do.

Between us, neither my husband nor his siblings have ever done anything, or made any plans for this -- nor have my in-laws prepared them in anywhere (i.e. if there is a will, were it would be, insurance papers, etc.etc.)-- I guess on the secret hope that if one doesn't think about it it won't happen.

Thank you all so much!

--YD

(My own mother had everything laid out in apple pie order and walked me & my brother through it. That being the case I don't know what to advice my husband about this mess.)

[OKIEDOC]

I am not an expert on this but can only relate what went on with my mother who passed away at age 97.

At age 86, she started having many mini strokes due to restrictions in her Carotid artery.

Her restrictions were temporary, called a transient ischemic attack’s (TIA)

She had a stroke and fell breaking her hip.

She also started having short-term memory loss.

My brothers and sisters also did not want to take charge, so it was left up to me to make the decisions.

No matter how much your FIL’s siblings do not want to take charge some one for the benefit of all concerned will have to make decisions.

Be aware even though the other children will not want to make the decisions about what happens with your FIL they may make judgments and have hurt feelings.

One of the toughest decisions I made was placing my mother in an assisted environment.

Since you took the time to post this thread, I can see that you are very concerned.

Please also be aware that if you allow your husband to do nothing he will after your FIL’s passing, have regrets.

With my mother, Doc gave me encouragement to make what I considered tough decisions.

As a physician, she has better insight into aging than I do.

Her encouragement and support was such that to this day I have no regrets with the decisions that had to be made concerning mother.

I hope this little bit helps and may God give you strength with what most families have to eventually face.

[DJ MacWoW]

Contact his doctor to get him checked out and find an assisted living facility. The doctor should be able to help. I’d also drop everything and get there soon.

[Kimmers]

First of all I am sorry you and yours have to go through this.

My friends took their mom to Institute on aging in Indianapolis. Her mom got a complete medical and mental evaluation and then they met with the family and advised the family on the best way to take care of mom. She could not say enough good things about this and the best thing is that everyone involved was communication with each other.

They worked with Diane Healy MD

Institute On Aging And St
8402 Harcourt Rd Ste 513
Indianapolis, IN 46260
Phone: (317) 338-2460

http://www.stvincent.org/ourservices/seniors/indy/default.htm

I realize you may not be able to come to Indy but they may be able to tell you of a place similar to this in your area....

best of luck and prayers.....

[AmericanMade1776]

MFL was a retired Col, and no one in the family lived close to him, his wife was deceased, we just had to move to where he was , and take care of him.

Medication could be the reason for his aggressiveness and confusion. I know MFL got some anti depressants from the Veterans group, that were causing him to hallucinate. Once he was off of those he was okay.

Eventually , someone in the family will just have to step in and take over. It will not be easy, but it will be necessary.

One other thing, there are some agencies that will help you with aging parents ..as far as the issues, check into those, to see what your options are.

[Old Professer]

From the way you explain it there is nothing you or your husband can do; find someone who is willing and capable to intercede to determine the true nature and scope of the problem.

[FrdmLvr]

I have an interest in nutritional healing. My mother-in-law has suffered with dementia since the death of my father-in-law, for maybe 5 or 6 yrs. now. In March of this year, I convinced my husband to have her doc take her off her cholestrol meds. They can cause Transient Global Amnesia. She is no longer calling us in a panic, asking where is dad, where am I, etc. She is slowly climbing out of the fog in her mind. I feel like I'm getting my mother-in-law back.

A month ago, I again convinced my husband to get her doc to test her for Vitamin B12 deficiency. Lab tests showed her levels to be so low that he put her on weekly B 12 shots for 8 weeks, (highly unusual) then she'll get re-tested to see where her levels are. I have taken her now for 3 weeks. She seems to be responding well. One cavet, doctors tend to use the common blood test to test for B12 deficency, but that one gives false negatives. Some of the links I've provided give you the test you need to ask your doctor to perform.

I have linked Space Doc, an astronaut who experienced TGA, and some B12 sites. The last one is a good book on the subject "Could it be B12?: An Epidemic of Misdiagnoses"

Hope this may be of some help. http://www.spacedoc.net/index.php

http://www.aolhealth.com/healthy-living/memory/article/_a/bbdp/vitamin-b-12-may-fight-brain-shrinkage/165612

http://jeffreydach.com/2007/05/13/vitamin-b12-deficiency-by-jeffrey-dach-md-drdach.aspx

http://www.lef.org/magazine/mag2000/dec2000_report_b12_1.html

http://www.amazon.com/Could-be-B12-Epidemic-Misdiagnoses/dp/1884956467/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1221185274&sr=1-1

[6323cd]

I can relate to your situation; went through the exact same scenario with my Dad, he underwent a complete mental decline literally over a weekend, and I didn't have medical or financial power of attorney for him. I had to have him declared incompetent and become his legal guardian, which led to a slew of other problems.

Everybody, please, if your parents are aging, be sure that somebody, yourself or a sibling, has Power of Attorney for them.

[6323cd]

God bless your mother for having the foresight to take care of her affairs beforehand. It makes difficult situations so much more bearable.

[Alouette]

My 85-year-old mother told me she is voting for Obama because McCain and Palin “want to overturn Roe v. Wade”

[6323cd]

Oh, my lord...... is this out of character for her?

[piasa]

Hopefully it isn’t Alzheimer’s.

I notice one thing - you didn’t mention that you have directly spoken with your father in law or your mother in law. It seems strange to take a neighbor’s word for something without talking to the man to see if he can tell you his side of the story, or if he is showing signs of confusion to talk to his wife. She may be elderly too but that doesn’t mean she is incompetent. Does she know he has a problem or does she say he is fine? What did she see in regard to the repairman incident?

Your family needs to see your in-laws in person so you can assess the situation first hand. The reason I say this is because it sounds like no one but the neighbor has. I’ve had problems with the occassional neighbor over the years, he probably has too.

If it is obvious there is a problem with him then his wife is going to need support and help and the first order of business is to find out what specifically the problem is, because there may be quite a few things that could cause mood swings. Some of them may be problems for which there are solutions.

If it is alzheimer’s there has been some progress in that arena recently.

Google “Deborah Uetz.” She’s a remarkable lady from southern Illinois whose life’s work revolves around helping people learn to deal with Alzheimers’ issues. You should be able to find her web site - or her book “Into the Mist” and as I recall she has an internet forum where “what to do” issues are addressed and where other people going through the same things can help one another.

[Blood of Tyrants]

Well, SOMEONE is going to have to take charge. Tell your husband to suck it up and be a man.

Take some time off and go see his parents and take your fil to a GOOD CIVILIAN doctor. DO NOT go to the doctors on base. They are too used to handling broken arms from motorcycle accidents involving tough young men to know much about the elderly.

It sounds like your fil is becoming angry because he is easily confused and frustrated. It may be time to make a decision about him not living at his home any more. Your husbands parents may have to move closer to you so that they can be cared for on a daily basis.

[tillacum]

Maybe you and your husband can take him to Scott AFB for some help, they can transfer him to the VA or even to a military retirement home where he can get some help. It’s time for you husband and his siblings DO SOMETHING FOR THEIR FATHER. The poor man doesn’t know what’s going on, and someone needs to help him EVEN IF IT’S JUST YOUR HUSBAND TAKING THE REIGNS,,,HE MUST HELP HIS DAD DURING THIS TIME OF CRISIS!!!!! for heavens sakes.

[yankeedame]

First of all let me thank you for your help. It was just wonderful!! Second, my husband is leaving tomorrow morning (Friday) to drive to his folks, his brother is flying in from Vir. on Saturday. His sister(s) will be there towards the end of the week.

Frankly, I don't think they were indifferent to their father's declining facilities. I suspect it was more along the line of not wanting to face reality, i.e. that mommy and daddy are getting old and that someday mommy and daddy are going to die. I think all four of them are having to grow up real fast--but they are rising to the challenge!

My mother was a rather difficult person to get along with, and her approaching death (in 1999) due to emphysema did not mellow her in the least. But looking at this mess my husband and his sibs are facing, I thank my mother's soul for her Abagail Adams yankee practicality.

So again, let me thank you all so very much for take the time to share your thoughts and idea and experiences. A treasure no gold could buy.....

gone it...I seem to have gotten something in my eyes...(blink,blink,sniff)

thanks,gang

[imfrmdixie]

I am a Hospice nurse. Hospice can help in more ways than you know.

[6323cd]

Hi, just wondering, how are things going in this situation? Been praying for you....