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Posted on 05/31/2008 11:14:27 PM PDT by JustAmy
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(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published June 9, 2002. Apologies to those who have seen this before.)
Father's Day is coming, and millions of children and/or wives are thinking: ‘’This year, I think I'll get Dad a nice casual shirt.’’
Fine. Go ahead. Although you might want to ask yourself a couple of questions first, such as: Does Dad WANT another nice casual shirt? Have you noticed that Dad currently OWNS approximately 73 nice casual shirts, and he wears only two of them? And that he wears one of those two only when the other one is really dirty? Do you honestly believe that Dad is thinking: ‘’Boy, I wish I had ANOTHER shirt, so I could not wear it!’’?
Of course not. Dad is thinking ...
... OK, never mind what Dad is thinking. Nobody ever really knows what Dad is thinking, including, much of the time, Dad. But trust me, he does not want a shirt.
‘’But,’’ you say, ‘’when I gave him a shirt last year, he appeared to like it!’’
Of course he did. Like all fathers, he has learned to simulate sincere appreciation for gifts that he has absolutely no use for. That's why Dad always responded so positively back when you used to give him — and I hope you no longer do this, although I understand it still happens, even in 21st-century America — a tie.
‘’Wow!’’ Dad would go. ‘’A piece of cloth to knot tightly around my neck, strikingly similar to the numerous other pieces of neck cloth wadded together in the back of my closet!’’
In my entire life, I have met two men who were genuinely interested in ties. Both of these men were in the tie industry.
Dads are so good at feigning appreciation that they even were able, years ago, to pretend they were happy to receive cologne. This was back in the dark days of cologne-giving, which mercifully came to an end after the horrible 1986 tragedy in Cincinnati wherein a 72-year-old man's house collapsed under the weight of the estimated 2,000 unopened bottles of Old Spice that he had stored in his attic.
‘’OK,’’ you are saying, ‘then what SHOULD I get for Dad? If I ask him what he wants, he always says, ‘Oh, nothing.’ ‘’
That's because he knows that if he told you what he really wants, you wouldn't give it to him. For example, let's consider the area of clothing. The nicest Father's Day surprise of all for Dad would be if you handed him a box, and he unwrapped it, and there, inside, sitting on a bed of folded tissue, was the pair of his undershorts that somebody threw away six months ago (without asking Dad) because they had reached the stage where they were 3 percent undershorts and 97 percent holes. Dad misses those undershorts. They were his Faithful Undershorts Companion.
But of course now they are in a landfill somewhere, along with Dad's Led Zeppelin T-shirt, which Dad bought and wore at a 1972 concert during which he stood on his seat and sang ‘’Whole Lotta Love.’’ (Yes! Dad did this!) Somebody threw the shirt away two years ago (without asking Dad) because it had a bunch of stains, which happened to have great sentimental value to Dad, because ...
... OK, never mind about the stains. The point is that you cannot give Dad these things for Father's Day. But you know what you CAN give him? You can give him what he always tells you he wants: Nothing. I mean it.
For Dad, the perfect Father's Day would be one in which he didn't even realize that it WAS Father's Day, because nobody was making him appreciate gifts he didn't want, or read greeting cards filled with lame Father's Day poetry (’’When I was just a little tyke, you showed me how to ride a bike; And you were sweet to me the day, I drove your car into the bay; Dad, I think you're really grand, I'm praying for your prostate gland’’).
There would be none of this, on the perfect Father's Day. There would be just Dad, wearing his oldest surviving undershorts, free of pressure, maybe just sitting in front of the TV, watching the NBA playoffs. There would be no conversation, other than Dad periodically observing that these players today could carry the ball across Montana and never get called for traveling.
That's how you can give Dad the perfect Father's Day. Of course, that's not all. You'd also make a restaurant reservation, and at the end of the day, you'd dress up and go out and have a nice dinner, during which you'd propose a toast to Dad. Who would be back home, in front of the TV, happily asleep in his veteran underwear. That would be PERFECT.
But you're going to get him a shirt.
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Barbara Hauer was born in 1766 in Lancaster, PA, the daughter of German immigrants who arrived from Palatine in 1754. Her father was a craftsman, a hatter. In 1806, she married John C. Frietschie (anglicized as Fritchie), a glove maker.
At some point they moved to Frederick, Maryland, where, at age 96 and in her final year of life, she may have been involved in an incident of defiant Union flag waving as the ill-fated Army of Northern Virginia, led by Stonewall Jackson, marched by her West Patrick Street house. This army was on their way to wholesale destruction at Antietam during the Confederate invasion of Maryland in September, 1862, a battle which led to Lincoln’s issuance of the Emancipation Proclamation.
Little is known of the truth of this incident or the facts of Barbara Frietchie’s (alternative spelling) life, but a poem by John Greenleaf Whittier about Frietschie made her a heroine to generations of school children in the US and abroad. The tale became so widespread that Winston Churchill, pausing at a replica of Frietschie’s home in 1942, recited the poem from memory.
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LOL!
My pleasure!
Dave Barry has it just right.
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Thank you, Dita..Great pledge!
I truly enjoyed your writing this morning. Some of those things brings back memories of ‘past Father’s Days’....I enjoyed some good laughs and needed them!
I meant to ask if Dave Barry is still living? Haven’t heard anything about him in a while!
wow Cardhu, that is beautiful..Somehow I think it would have been nice had the artist used one of the ethereal pieces by Enya.
Leaving shortly for church.. afterward maybe movie & dinner wtih friend.. then dog walk, then concert on green at 7 PM & then maybe the Final Lakers/Celtic game.
Busy day.
I didn’t sleep last night. Did a project I have been procrastinating on. I had 1.5 Gig of pix that I needed to crop, delete etc to get onto a CD .. at 800 MB.
I did it.
It was the 8 sessions from the Biggest Friggin Loser contest from chruch.
The first video will be shown today .. I will post a link when it is on line & I want to have a CD for each participant. I will make the CDs (total will be 16) before church on their high speed muliti copy device.
I did the labels & had them printed at office max (laser) yesterday.
Have a great day everyone!!!
My father once admitted to me, “When you were growing up, I was gone a lot.”
I don’t remember that. Besides working his full-time job, he was gone some evenings to direct choir practice at church, and he occasionally traveled for a week or two with a men’s quartet. But for all the significant (and many small) moments of my life—he was there.
For instance, when I was 8, I had a tiny part in an afternoon play at school. All the mothers came, but only one dad—mine. In many little ways, he has always let my sisters and me know that we are important to him and that he loves us. And seeing him tenderly caring for my mom in the last few years of her life taught me exactly what unselfish love looks like. Dad isn’t perfect, but he’s always been a dad who gives me a good glimpse of my heavenly Father. And ideally, that’s what a Christian dad should do.
At times earthly fathers disappoint or hurt their children. But our Father in heaven is “merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in mercy” (Ps. 103:8). When a dad who loves the Lord corrects, comforts, instructs, and provides for the needs of his children, he models for them our perfect Father in heaven.
JustAmy,
WOW! You too... so many seniors are in the same situation!
School ends for us here too next week, and we are scrambling to think of activities to keep our 9 year old grandson busy....and yes, swimming will be one of them! Granddad will take him to the local pool daily along with our 17year old adopted daughter! One blessing, because we are seniors we can swim free! LOL...
There are days though when I feel overwhelmed with the whole situation...especially with arthritis setting in real bad now.
Our 17 year old is a sweet girl and is a help, but of course as “ siblings” go...it can become competative sometimes...lol
But we take one day at a time!
Thanks for sharing your situation with me and thanks for the welcome on the thread!!
Polly
HAPPY FATHER'S DAY to all the great DAD's here.
Polly
ps. You all seem to create such great graphics! I am just plain jane!
Oh you need to find that " sweet little lady" and get that recipe! lol..you have my imagination going wild!Yummm
Polly
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That is a beautiful picture! When I see such a picture, I love to consider that that amazing flower will now live forever—just as it was at that moment.
Nice!
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