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Posted on 08/09/2007 5:05:59 AM PDT by StarCMC
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I worked for a staffing company a while ago. One of the associate employees called me at the head office and said he wasn’t going to be able to make it by 5:30 to pick up his paycheck, and asked if I could fax it to him instead.
Wall wants to know if you’re hot.
Tips for investing those big bucks this year
Here goes:
Investment tips for 2007 For all of you with any money left, be
aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the
ground floor and make some BIG bucks.
Watch for these consolidations in 2007.
1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.
R.Grace Co. Will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces
and become:
Poly, Warner Cracker.
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and and become:
MMMGood
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will
merge and become:
ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
Poupon Pants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will
become:
Knott NOW!
And finally ..
9. Victoria ‘s Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new
name:
Titty Titty Bang Bang
How come the lady don’t go into swimming pool with John Kerry and Looter guy OH I Am sorry she is Muslum lady
OH you got Ann Coulter endorsment Tomkow
LOL.....hope the campaign is going well!
Yes, I am.
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her jewelry,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go to the end of the earth and back again for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Show up naked.
Bring beer.
Hey Sonora,
I wonder if we can reach 600 in this thread. I am getting pretty attached to this one. Maybe we can carry it over till Saturday?
My brother was enrolling in a new school and had to buy uniforms. A note was sent home that the trousers could be blue or khaki and that the name brands had to be either Dickies, Dockers or Duck Heads.
With paper in hand, my mother proceeds to the department store, unfortunately we were all there to witness the moment. She walks up to the first sales man she sees and says that she needs to see all available Duckies, Dockers and Dickheads. Doing his best to contain his laughter the salesman doesn’t miss a beat as he replies, well Ma’am, I can help you with the Dockers, but the only dickhead we have is the boss and he is on his lunch break.
That can be done, but we will have to go with sexist humor.....
Why does it take women longer to be sexualy satisfied than men??
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Who cares? :cool:
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Why do women have hips?
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To hold the laundry basket.
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What’s the difference between a woman having her period and a terrorist?
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You can negotiate with a terrorist.
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What food is known to destroy 95% of the female sex drive?
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Wedding cake.
A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: “This bull mated 50 times last year.” The wife turns to her husband and says, “He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him.”
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: “This bull mated 65 times last year.” The wife turns to her husband and says, “This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also.”
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: “This bull mated 365 times last year.” The wife’s mouth drops open and says, “WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one.”
The man turns to his wife and says, “Go up and see if it was 365 times with the same cow.”
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One day a frightened homeowner called the zoo and said, “ There’s a huge gorilla in my tree in the front yard!”.
The zoo keeper new of the escape and had already prepared for the capture. The zoo keeper arrived in no time flat.
He said to the homeowner, “ Stay calm. I know what to do, but I need your help.” With that he went to his van and retrieved the gorilla capturing tools: one pair of handcuffs, 45 automatic handgun, and a German shepherd named ROSCO.
The zoo keeper said to the homeowner,” I’m going to climb up the tree and shake that gorilla down. When he falls, ROSCO will bite him in the balls. The gorilla will grab for his balls, and you handcuff him.”
He then starts to climb up the tree when the homeowner yells up to him,” what do I do with the gun?” The zoo keeper yells back down,” If the gorilla shakes me out the tree, SHOOT ROSCO!!”
In General...
1. Never take a beer to a job (or psychiatric, or welfare) interview.
2. Always ask for ID before shooting people in your yard.
3. It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it’s time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you’re certain that you’re included in the will, it’s rude to drive a U-haul to the funeral.
Dining Out
1. When decanting the wine from the box, make sure you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to ‘bruise’ the fruit of the wine. (California Rednecks only!)
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands. (except for moonshine!)
Entertaining in your home
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, even if his manners are better than yours.
Personal Hygiene
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this job should be done in private using one’s own truck keys.
2 Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4. Dirt or grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to distract from a woman’s jewelry, and alter the taste of finger foods.
Dating (outside the family)
1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive, Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the bathroom walls two years ago.”
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say “Monday,” If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.
Theater Etiquette
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to the characters on the screen. They really can’t hear you.
Weddings
1. Livestock is no longer an acceptable wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds might get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with cummerbund and clean bowling shirt can be a bit tacky. (Kentucky excepted)
4. Though uncomfortable, say ‘yes’ to socks and shoes for this special occasion. Matching socks would be even better!
Driving Etiquette
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way. (Again, except in Kentucky)
3. Never tow more than two cars at a time using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it’s socially inept to ask her to bring back more than a sixpack.
5. Laying rubber while part of a funeral procession is reserved for heirs only.
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The young man from Alabama came running into the store and said to his buddy, “Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!”
Bubba replied, “Did you see who it was?
“The young man answered, “I couldn’t tell, but I got the license number.”
NEWS FLASH! - Alabama’s worst air disaster occurred when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two University of Alabama students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today. Search and Rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening. The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.
An Alabama State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-85. The trooper asked, “Got any ID?”
The driver replied, “Bout whut?”
A man in Alabama had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back.
He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, “I have a flat tire.” The passerby asked, “But what’s with the flowers?”
The man responded, “When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it either.”
Elope...It works!
“Don’t make the same mistake twice” seems to indicate three mistakes, doesn’t it? First you make the mistake. Then you make the same mistake. Then you make the same mistake twice. If you simply say, “Don’t make the same mistake,” you’ll avoid the first mistake. - George Carlin
After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other’s throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the counselor’s office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. “What seems to be the problem?”
Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down.
Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.
He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, “Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!”
The husband scratched his head and replied, “I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays.”
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