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Lets just be friends..

I hope I don't end up starting something ugly by answering this one, but I have a few thoughts on the topic.

First, in almost every case where I've received "the just friends line," the young lady in question had no interest in being my friend. I think I've shared this illustration previously, but I'll share it again. When I've been the recipient of "the just friends line," I've always felt that I'd been cast in a play where the beautiful, gracious princess gently turns aside the inappropriate affections of the grasping troll. She's casting herself as the princess and me as the troll. Needless to say, being rejected is bad enough, but being cast in that light adds insult to injury.

I think part of what bothers me so much is the ill use of the word "friend." In almost every case, "just friends" doesn't mean that she wants to be my friend. Instead, "just friends" means that she wants me to go away. I understand if a woman just wants me to go away, but a real friend is a precious thing. I hate to hear someone use the word "friend" as code for "go away."

In terms of the whole situation, I've become more accepting as I've aged. I've had very good friendships with women for whom I just couldn't develop romantic feelings. We've given each other real time in our lives, and we've both benefited from the friendship. However, the feelings that would allow us to succeed romantically just weren't there. In some of these situations, the women have had real interest in me. I've tried very hard, but I just couldn't return those feelings.

I've not had as many situations that were the opposite. Most of the women who I've found interesting have not been willing to give me serious amounts of their time. There have been one or two exceptions, but they have been true exceptions. Obviously, it's frustrating that no one has been willing to give me that kind of time in return, but I understand that life is busy. I hate to think that we couldn't have developed worthwhile friendships anyway, but maybe in some cases it was easier not to be near them.

Where the acceptance comes in is that I eventually felt that I couldn't blame those women who took one look at me and decided that I wasn't right for them. I think some of them were wrong in their judgment and others were premature in deciding that I couldn't be what they wanted, but I recognized that if I couldn't have feelings for some women, I could understand other women not being able to have feelings for me. I don't know whether I accepted myself first or them first, but I eventually decided that I wasn't going to blame anyone. The situation is no one's fault. It's just one of the cruelties of life.

Getting back to the "just friends" statement, a better way of saying things may be "I'm sorry, but I can't return your feelings." That statement doesn't lend itself to the princess and troll act, but the objective shouldn't be to set up that kind of act. This statement makes clear that there will be no romantic relationship but doesn't pretend to promise a friendship.

Bill

as usual, you share well thought out ideas & you are SO right.

semantics here are bad in the dating scene. and so is the absence of honesty & so is the real depth of self awareness of a lot of people

If they don’t truly know themselves (as separate from the princess/prices of the world) how can they ever relate in a worthwhile manner to a soul mate?

I have a LOT of really close male friends & early on their was an attraction BUT NOT a romantic attraction, which is quite different. Age here again is not impt & also because you are NOT playing the dating game, honesty is there & friendship can bloom.

I think one dishonest thing some women do is date a guy because no one else is around at the moment. They KNOW they really aren’t interested in a depth relationship with this person and are still checking out the gallery, but “for now” will date someone else to keep their life interesting.

I dislike when there is this disregard of the other’s feelings.

I think often it is best to say something like

You know I truly do enjoy your company but dont see us heading toward a romantic life.. if you want to continue to share time & friendship with that in mind, I would enjoy it also.

But only say that if one means it...

Bill you said an awful lot in that post that rings true...likely more for men than women.

I think it is usually men who hear the “let’s be friends” response, so you know better than I how that feels...
On the other hand, women want to say something that they think will minimize the upset for the guy.

Seems that more openness, all the way around, would serve everyone better.

Of course, the chemistry thing can’t be forced. It is there or it isn’t. When it isn’t, no amount of wishing it were so will make it happen. I remember, a long time ago, hanging in there for a year waiting for a particular guy to notice me... thinking that eventually familiarity would breed interest. It didn’t. One more lesson learned. :)

You, and stout, and anyone else who wants to chime in, can tell me what to do.

I had a date last Saturday night. He was a very nice guy; I really did enjoy myself. He asked if he could call me again and I said, “Yes.” Really, at that point, I was unsure whether or not I wanted to see him again. I wasn’t prepared to say, “No, I’m just not interested in pursuing this.”

Next day he called and wanted to get together. I had legitimate reasons not to and, to buy time, I told him I was going out of town (true, at that point...little did I know) He insisted that I agree to call him when I returned. I said I would. Now, he’ll be expecting a call and I really don’t want to call him.

When I’m hesitant like this something isn’t clicking...even tho’ I can’t quite put my finger on it.

What should I say/do? Right now, I am inclined to lie—I hate to admit that but it will make it easier for me if I just make up something...