Posted on 01/12/2007 2:48:36 AM PST by sully777
10 worst excuses to miss work
1) As I was walking to work… I was hit by a plane/helicopter.
This sounds so weirdly stupid that it might leave your boss completely speechless. The secret is to sound pretty dramatic or hurt and hang up the phone immediately, though. He/she’ll probably be too astonished to call you back and will just drop it, hoping you will come to work a normal person the next day.
2) I died
If you say this in a very natural voice, something like: ”Hey, I can’t come in today, I died, sorry guys”, I guess your boss will be shocked for at least a little bit, but you should hang up until he’ll start yelling something about bad jokes, then make a friend call and announce with grief the same thing, and explain you killed yourself and left a tape with a message for the company, the message said: ”Hey guys, I died”. The next day you come in you’ll say it was a misunderstanding.
3) My wife will finally have sex with me… and it’s been 7 years.
Everybody will be so embarrassed, for your embarrassment, I don’t think they’ll be able to say much, they’ll feel too sorry for you to be angry, or anything else.
4) My cat had Siamese triplets.
Cats having many kittens is an usual thing, and Siamese are only twins, but it might sound weird enough to convince, at least temporarily.
5) I am having a middle-age crisis… it’s so painful.
You have to make it sound like it’s a horrible disease, very painful, acute, like a kidney crisis or something, and it’s important to talk over your boss and never answer any of his questions, keep rambling chaotically about your suffering.
6) My mom had a baby…She is 55 and it’s been tough, although she’s in pretty good shape.
This will hopefully sound weird enough to make everybody silent. I mean who the hell has a baby at 55? They’ll probably wonder about that, distracted from your missing work for a while.
7) I am running out of time… my time is over.
This is taken from various writings and from a popular series “South Park”, which I highly recommend for the days when you’ll manage to miss work using these excuses. Will it sound too strange for your boss? Maybe, but if you make it tragic enough, he might think you’ve lost it completely and just wait to talk to you the next day.
8)Kenny died.
This is another character from South Park, he dies every episode and so you won’t lie about something as serious as death, plus you don’t have to explain who he is, because if you say a name full of confidence and in a familiar way, nobody asks questions, especially if it’s about death.
9) I witnessed a pocket robbery and I’m going in to testify.
It’s very stupid to testify for a pocket robbery, but if you’re talking about the police, testimonials and so on, nobody will be very interested to find out more, probably.
10) I ran out of clean underwear.
This is again so embarrassing that nobody will probably care to comment upon it. I mean what could they say: ”I’ll lend you some of mine” or “Just come without, what’s the big deal”? I mean it’s just another subject people don’t really care to comment upon. You can also add: ”I’m doing some serious washing and promise I’ll have clean underwear for a month, and of course change it every day.”
(Source http://news.softpedia.com/news/10-worst-excuses-to-miss-work-21906.shtml) By Ana Constantinescu
It think I'll use The Darkness during our silly Valentines Day event...all prices marked 1/2 off their everyday low 50% off sale.
Colin reminds me of that old joke about two guys peeing off the bridge: 1st says it's cold outside. 2nd says the river's deep too
I really was sick today, but I still got up and went to school.
Hope you are feeling better. And you went to school despite being sick--awesome.
Hey that second guy was me. No kidding.
Here are three true-life stories of mine, from either calling in sick, calling in late, or not calling in at all:
1. My entire kitchen roof caved in while I was in the shower and the landlord kept me waiting but never showed. It happened between the moment I fed the cats and the moment I came out of the shower. (late)
2. My cats dragged my eyeglasses to who-knows-where and, after crawling on my apartment floor, blind as a bat, I finally had to go to an eye doctor for another pair, feeling my way to the subway into Manhattan. (late) (i later found them in a cardboard box, chewed at the temples.) I know it had to have startled them, but by the time I noticed it, they were completely nonchalant.
3. My boss' verbal abuse (and one assault incident) became so unbearable that, after one of my nightmares about her, I could not physically get out of my chair or breathe regularly for 12 hours. (didn't call in that day) (Oh, and boss, if you're reading this, don't think there will be no consequences for your behavior.)
Not being,
Wow! Was that eerie! Were you there recording in another clothing rack???
That was really annoying, it did not even stop after logging offline...
later
The medical term for that is "shart"...
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