Posted on 01/12/2007 2:48:36 AM PST by sully777
10 worst excuses to miss work
1) As I was walking to work… I was hit by a plane/helicopter.
This sounds so weirdly stupid that it might leave your boss completely speechless. The secret is to sound pretty dramatic or hurt and hang up the phone immediately, though. He/she’ll probably be too astonished to call you back and will just drop it, hoping you will come to work a normal person the next day.
2) I died
If you say this in a very natural voice, something like: ”Hey, I can’t come in today, I died, sorry guys”, I guess your boss will be shocked for at least a little bit, but you should hang up until he’ll start yelling something about bad jokes, then make a friend call and announce with grief the same thing, and explain you killed yourself and left a tape with a message for the company, the message said: ”Hey guys, I died”. The next day you come in you’ll say it was a misunderstanding.
3) My wife will finally have sex with me… and it’s been 7 years.
Everybody will be so embarrassed, for your embarrassment, I don’t think they’ll be able to say much, they’ll feel too sorry for you to be angry, or anything else.
4) My cat had Siamese triplets.
Cats having many kittens is an usual thing, and Siamese are only twins, but it might sound weird enough to convince, at least temporarily.
5) I am having a middle-age crisis… it’s so painful.
You have to make it sound like it’s a horrible disease, very painful, acute, like a kidney crisis or something, and it’s important to talk over your boss and never answer any of his questions, keep rambling chaotically about your suffering.
6) My mom had a baby…She is 55 and it’s been tough, although she’s in pretty good shape.
This will hopefully sound weird enough to make everybody silent. I mean who the hell has a baby at 55? They’ll probably wonder about that, distracted from your missing work for a while.
7) I am running out of time… my time is over.
This is taken from various writings and from a popular series “South Park”, which I highly recommend for the days when you’ll manage to miss work using these excuses. Will it sound too strange for your boss? Maybe, but if you make it tragic enough, he might think you’ve lost it completely and just wait to talk to you the next day.
8)Kenny died.
This is another character from South Park, he dies every episode and so you won’t lie about something as serious as death, plus you don’t have to explain who he is, because if you say a name full of confidence and in a familiar way, nobody asks questions, especially if it’s about death.
9) I witnessed a pocket robbery and I’m going in to testify.
It’s very stupid to testify for a pocket robbery, but if you’re talking about the police, testimonials and so on, nobody will be very interested to find out more, probably.
10) I ran out of clean underwear.
This is again so embarrassing that nobody will probably care to comment upon it. I mean what could they say: ”I’ll lend you some of mine” or “Just come without, what’s the big deal”? I mean it’s just another subject people don’t really care to comment upon. You can also add: ”I’m doing some serious washing and promise I’ll have clean underwear for a month, and of course change it every day.”
(Source http://news.softpedia.com/news/10-worst-excuses-to-miss-work-21906.shtml) By Ana Constantinescu
It's for comedic effect that I post the following retro-metal song. I have no one in mind...no one at all.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bN-DUPF_PuY The Darkness
Happy Friday. Any weekend plans?
Yeah, work. :o(
I already know what your weekend plans are.. Have a blast.
MM
Will do!
Thanks!
ROFL.. That was scary.
MM
So, you're saying you are scared of The Darkness.
i think he's thinking of you
Yes, Yes, that is exactly what Im saying. lol
MM
To get one more day off I'll probably have to barf up a lung.
After watching that, I think I smashed my old record for most consecutive seizures. :O)
Speaking of sick......
The Vain Person: One who loves the smell of his own farts.
The Amiable Person: One who loves the smell of other people's farts.
The Proud Person: One who thinks his farts are exceptionally fine.
The Shy Person: One who releases silent farts and then blushes.
The Impudent Person: One who farts loudly and then laughs.
The Scientific Person: One who farts regularly but is truly concerned about air pollution.
The Unfortunate Person: One who tries awfully hard to fart but poops instead.
The Nervous Person: One who stops in the middle of a fart.
The Honest Person: One who admits he farted but offers a medical reason for it.
The Dishonest Person: One who farts and then blames the dog.
The Foolish Person: One who suppresses a fart for hours and hours.
The Thrifty Person: One who always has several farts in reserve.
The Anti-Social Person: One who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy.
The Strategic Person: One who conceals his farts with loud laughter.
The Sadistic Person: One who farts in bed and then fluffs the bed covers over his bed mates head.
The Intellectual Person: One who determines from the smell of his neighbor's fart precisely the latest food item he consumed.
The Athletic Person: One who farts at the slightest exertion.
The Miserable Person: One who would truly love to but can't fart at all.
The Sensitive Person: One who farts and then bursts into tears.
The Bruiser: One who farts so hard and loud that he bruises his butt cheeks.
Sunday School Blaster
Because I was older and the parish school did not have enough room to have all of us attend Sunday school in the morning, I was one of the kids who took my religion classes in the evening. This naturally meant that I ate dinner before I went to school, and this one particular evening my mom gave my a lot of sausage and sauerkraut.
I went to the parish school and sat down in the next to the back row of the classroom away from everybody else because I didn't know many of the other kids. Behind me sat one other student. An hour into the session the class was intensely discussing God when I felt a tremendous rumbling deep in my butt. I knew that this was going to be a bad one if I let it go, and for five minutes I almost broke a sweat trying to push the thing back up my ass, because the class was absolutely quiet and hanging on the every word of the instructor.
After a while I felt the pressure relieve itself, and the fart seemingly disappeared back up into my gut. I breathed a sigh of relief and at last I relaxed my ass cheeks.
The moment I relaxed myself the entire built-up fart came barreling out of my ass at unholy speeds and blasted it's full pent-up force onto the wooden chair beneath me. The way it blasted off the chair and echoed off the concrete walls created a roar so loud and ear-shattering that you thought God Himself was walking into the back of the classroom.
The entire class stopped it's discussion and all heads turned around to look at me. Every face in Sunday School was staring right at me and the student sitting behind me, because we were the only ones who could have done that. For a split second I didn't know what to do because I was in total shock at what had happened. The students were saying to themselves, "Good God!", "Holy cow!", and anything else that could describe their disbelief.
And then Divine inspiration struck: I immediately turned around and stared at the kid sitting behind me along with all the other students. He was wide-eyed and looking back at the entire class and loudly announced, "Man, I did NOT do that!" I just shook my head at "his" fart and turned around, looking at the other students and saying, "Oh, man...!", and none of the other students ever suspected me.
I have been a devout Christian ever since.
My wife & I were in Walmart one day & I felt a big fart building and rumbling in my gut.
I looked around... saw no one anywhere and I let it rip. It was loud and smelled so bad it would gag a maggot on a gut wagon.
My wife grabs my arm and pulls me a few aisles away and I ask her why she pulled me away. She has me turn around and look where we were standing & there on her knees by a clothing rack was this poor lady taking clothes out of a box & her face wasn't a fot away from my ass when I farted. Yes I was getting dirty looks from her.
Albert Arnold Gore, Jr.
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William Jefferson Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer
See what happens when aliens breed with sheep? This piece of information may clear up a lot of things.
LOL!....Pray for the Sheep
LOL...it's not factual, just an email I got today. Still kinda funny though.
You're good.
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