It's Friday Boys and Girls!
Dear Abby,
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.
I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs. The phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work. You don't know them."
I sometimes stay awake to look out for her cab coming home, but she always comes walking up the drive as I hear the sound of a car leaving, around the corner, as if she has gotten out and walked the rest of the way. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi at all?
I once picked up her cell phone, just to see what time it was. This caused her to go completely berserk. She quickly snatched the phone out of my hand and cursed me hysterically, screaming that I should never touch her personal property. She then accused me of trying to spy on her.
Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down, I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check
on her.
I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson Lowrider next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the street around the corner when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my motorcycle that I noticed a small amount of motor oil leaking through the gasket between the rear head and rocker arm cover.
So, is this something I can easily repair myself or do you think I should take it back to the dealer?
Dear Lowrider:
Check to see if your Harley is still under warranty. If so, take it to the dealer and let them fix it.
If it is not under warranty, do not try to fix it yourself if you don't have the skills. Ask a friend who knows about this sort of thing. Or, ask your wife's boyfriend. He seems to be taking care of other things you can't handle, so maybe he can help here also.
Hard to find
Boudreaux and Thibodeaux are out fishing and sipping beer while discussing football and NASCAR. All of a sudden Thibodeaux turns to Boudreaux and says, : "I think I'm gonna divorce my wife...she hasn't spoken to me in over six months."
Boudreaux sips his beer and replies,
"You better think it over... women like that are hard to find."
I talked like a Poirot this week.
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night.” She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?” John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.” “Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”
She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”
Checking in for another week...
MINE?
(Click picture for audio.)
Three Rednecks, Bubba, Hoss, & Catfish, were working on a tall TV tower. Catfish fell off and was killed instantly.
As the ambulance took away the body, Hoss says, "someone should go and tell his wife."
Bubba says, "okay, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff. I'll do it."
Two hours later Bubba comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Hoss says, "where'd you get that, Bubba?"
"Catfish's wife gave it to me," says Bubba.
"That's unbelievable. You told the lady that her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?"
"Well, not exactly," Bubba says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, You must be Catfish's widow."
She said, "No, I'm not a widow."
And I said, "I'll bet you case of Budweiser you are."
Ping to ya.
MM
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break"? He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him another bad name." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in '08."
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.
