First of all, as Evangelical Christians, we'd like to say that the Church does a pretty bad job of dealing with the whole dating/marriage topic.......perhaps because of fear, perhaps because of misinformation. (Let me say that anyone who says the Song of Solomon is only in reference to Christ and the Church is sadly misinformed. It's practically a sex manual.......passionate, and very frank).
The Church is made up of sinners, who sometimes get things really wrong, and though it seems to reflect on God Himself, it is not His will, nor His purpose for the body of Christ, the Church, to be a source of discouragement, as it has been for you.
But having said that, neither of us thought that the things you brought up in your post encouraged what you call 'passivity.' For example, Paul's words that it is better to be single than married (for the purpose of ministry) are not in any way, shape or form advice to all Christians. Paul knows that God's plan for most includes marriage, and that passage doesn't encourage passivity either in marriage, or in ministry. Also 'seeking first the Kingdom of God' doesn't imply that we don't work hard at any other aspect of our life here on earth. While marriage is not the same as an engineering career, there is nothing in seeking God first that implies or states that we don't have to work hard in life to succeed........and that includes our relationships.
It sounds like you either got some bad advice in those churches, or possibly, you interpreted what was said incorrectly.
God doesn't ever expect us to 'sit around and wait' for anything. If we feel God's calling us to a profession, we still need to pursue the education, apply to the colleges, take out the loans, and study our tails off to achieve it. There is no passivity involved in following God's will in any area of life. If those in your church said that there was passivity in something as critical to our lives as marriage, they, frankly, misinterpreted God's word. God gives us minds, hearts, passions, interests, and two feet. We're not supposed to sit around and wait for things to happen. We are supposed to be active in our obedience to His commands.
Secondly, we would like to address your own insecurity when it comes to women, as you have expressed it in describing your present relationship with the friend with whom you have 'chemistry.' You stated that the woman has never SAID you weren't her ideal, but that you still thought that you were inadequate. Is it possible, first, that you are wrong about that with this woman? And is it possible that there have been other women along the way that you drew the same conclusion (due to your own insecurity) who may have been very interested in you? (As for the 'experience' stuff........our now married 24 year old son never dated......never even TALKED to girls if he had to, and ended up marrying a very popular, attractive young woman who was smitten by him....and he, by her. 'Exerience' means nothing). btw, EVERYONE is insecure. Some just hide it better than others.
Third, we would like to strongly counter the idea that at 42, it is too late for you. I have two sisters who were both married (for the first time for all four people), at the age of 37 (neither dated much, never seriously). All four of them thought at some point that God intended for them to be single, and had made peace with that, but along came the perfect partner for them in 'middle age' and they are both extremely happy now, many years later. (One had children, the other not).
It seemed in your post that you have given up, and that you have now resigned yourself to the passivity that you know was the wrong advice in your twenties. Why would it be the right course of action, now that you are in the prime of life, and mature, financially solvent, and responsible? As we see it, that line of thinking doesn't make sense.
Last...........it seems that your understanding of God (due, perhaps to unfortunate church advice) is quite small. God doesn't change based on our understanding of who He is. There are often times in our lives where we don't 'feel' God near us, but He hasn't moved. God's love for us doesn't go away because we don't feel it. And God's love for us doesn't diminish because we are angry with Him.
It is a very human and common response to get mad at God when things go wrong in our lives. For you, being single is 'wrong.' (For Paul, it was ideal). You believe that God has let you down, but God's purpose is to love us and bring glory to Himself through us, and not to give us our way. And in that, it is up to us to allow God to be glorified in us even when life's circumstances don't make us happy.
You seem like a great guy. You're smart, you're sensitive, you're responsible, you're mature, you're able to communicate REALLY well (which is RARE in guys).
It is my (ohioWfan's) opinion, that you are a great catch, and that this is YOUR TIME to find that perfect mate to compliment your qualities with her own.
Go for it!
excellent post.
Third, we would like to strongly counter the idea that at 42, it is too late for you.
I think you mean isn't. Correct?
"First of all, as Evangelical Christians, we'd like to say that the Church does a pretty bad job of dealing with the whole dating/marriage topic.......perhaps because of fear, perhaps because of misinformation. (Let me say that anyone who says the Song of Solomon is only in reference to Christ and the Church is sadly misinformed. It's practically a sex manual.......passionate, and very frank)."
Ah well, I suppose we can agree to disagree...
In a sense, you're right. It isn't simply about Christ and the Church. But the Song of Solomon isn't simply a sex manual by any means.
However, it does use erotic imagery to convey the point that God's love for His people is infinite and can never be broken. Further, it is not only an allegory for the love between Christ and the Church, but God and Israel--after all (and IIRC), it is part of the Hebrew Scripture. It can also be thought of as the idealization of the unbreakable and eternal bonds of marriage.
Many great theologians and thinkers have written commentaries on sexuality and the Song of Songs--including the early Church Fathers (e.g Tertullian, Clement of Alexandria), St. Augustine, the Venerable Bede, and Aquinas.
Pope John Paul II's work The Theology of the Body and Pope Benedict XVI's encyclical Deus Caritas Est provide an invaluable insight that really does help to explain the allegory of the Song of Songs.
After all, I'm a practicing Catholic...8^)
I know that many people in church will disagree with my use of the term "passive" to describe what the teachers of different churches and different Christian fellowship groups were saying. I still think that the term is accurate. I was in Inter-Varsity Christian Fellowship as an undergrad, and I remember that The Navigators, a similar evangelical fellowship, was often called "The Never-daters" because of their discouraging approach to dating. While Inter-Varsity wasn't as blatant as The Navigators, I saw enough of each fellowship to see that their messages were similar. The fact that others picked up on that "never-dater" message and even made it a joke tells me that my interpretation of that teaching was not unique.
I still believe that if you cite all of the "be careful" type Scriptures every time you talk about dating and rarely cite the "pursues a good thing" Scriptures, you are encouraging passivity. They never talked about diligence in the dating teachings the way that they talked about diligence in the studying or working teachings. Now that I look back on the Bible reading that I did in those days, I can see different ways of looking at the Scriptures. I can see a overall view that would be mostly positive towards the active pursuit of romantic relationships. However, at the time, those whom I respected were spinning things to try to put the brakes on any part of that pursuit.
On your second point, I'm aware that I'm not tremendously self-confident and that I was in many ways even less self-confident when I was younger. I've also come to believe that self-confidence is the quality that seems to make a woman's heart go pitter-pat. The quickest way for a young lady to get a young man's attention is with her appearance. I'm not saying that appearance is everything. I'm not saying that all guys do or any guys should let appearance be a big factor. I'm just saying that appearance is usually the first thing to draw a man's attention. I think self-confidence has the analogous affect on women. The guy who is 80% self-confidence and 20% able to accomplish things will seem more attractive to women than the guy who is 20% self-confidence and 80% ability to accomplish things.
I'm not going to give any more details about specific women that I've mentioned here, but I'm pretty certain of where I've stood with them in the past.
On your third point, I disagree that I'm in the prime of my life. My prime was at least ten and maybe fifteen years ago. I understand hypothetically that finding someone may be possible, but the value of anything on this path can never been as great as the value of what could have been on another path. Admittedly, the moving that I've had to do to rebuild my career has hurt my chances to build social networks, but one factor that weighs heavily on me is that I haven't been in a relationship that seemed to be even a remote possibility for years. Finding someone may be possible, but I don't see any evidence that it will happen. You mentioned your sisters who married at 37. I had much more hope at 37 than I do now.
Finally, I disagree with the statement that my understanding of God is "small." My understanding of God is very different from yours because we've had different experiences. I understand that God and the Christian pursuit of God has been a very positive thing in many people's lives. When my missionary friend was a freshman in college, alcoholism had such a strong hold on him that his liver was visibly swollen on his stomach. A doctor told him that he'd be dead of alcohol poisoning in six months if he didn't change. He was saved a few months later. He's had his challenges in life, but he's doing wonderfully. From what you've said, your son was no more diligent than I was in the pursuit of a relationship, and things have worked wonderfully for him. I've seen much of the church. I've been in numerous conservative evangelical and even some pentecostal churches. I have a broad base of background in the Christian faith. I've just found that when an unmet desire reaches the point of becoming an unmet need, the issue is no longer about timing. At that point, I had to accept that the faith didn't work for me as it has for others.
Bill