Posted on 02/17/2006 5:00:51 AM PST by Xenophobic Alien
Happy Friday Everyone!
Can you cry under water?
IB4 100 today, nice....
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)
______________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
FAQ: Wife 1.0
Q: Does it come with a Mother-in-law virus scan?
A: No.
Q: I tried to install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 as a screensaver and my floppy froze up? Should I abort or retry?
A: Neither. I recommending typing C:\APOLOGIZE and then downloading the Diamonds 5.0 software. If that does not work, then hit Ctrl-Alt-Delete and run.
Q: After installing Wife 1.0 I noticed that it was electronically deducting random amounts of money from my checking account. What’s that about?
A: This is to be expected. Please note that the depletion of your funds was clearly explained to you in the agreement statement that you should be receiving 2 weeks.
Q: Everytime I go to ESPN.com to check sports scores, it keeps coming up with dinner recipes. What’s going on man!
A: Not to worry, this is fixable. All you have to do is go to options, and change settings from “dinner-recipes.com†to “ask-doctor-phil.comâ€. You will still not be able to get sports scores, but you should become more sensitive and become a better listener.
Q: I have been using Wife 1.0 for a few years now and it has been working great. The only problem is that it wants to keep running Nag Nag 9.5. I’m starting to get a little worried because this has been going on for quite some time and it only says 3% complete. What should I do?
A: This may be a result of using dial-up. If you upgrade to high speed internet access, the Nag Nag 9.5 will upload much faster, but may periodically smack you upside the head. If you continue to have problems with Nag Nag 9.5, you can call our Wife 1.0 support hotline @ 1-800-746-6863 (1-800-SHOOT ME). Ask for Jack Daniels.
If money doesn't grow in trees then why do banks have branches?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts?" Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"
Or watch a white thing come out a chicken's behind and think, "that ought to taste good."
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped buy the police and asked for you license, are you going to be smiling?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
What do you call male ballerinas?
Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?
If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
The husband store
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the Sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.
http://www.thedeadpelican.com/expressyourself.wmv
Express Yourself-Katrina
Playing a song you can't refuse.
Ron Reagan??
QUESTION FOR EVERYONE...NEED ADVICE
Has anyone ever heard of Country Financial and Insurance?
If so, what do you know of them, can you offer advice re: insurance?
Thanx
Yum! Marie Osmond. I always had a thing for her. Here's a philosophical question for male FReepers. Would your accept a romantic weekend get away with Marie under the condition that you first spend a night sharing a sleeping bag with Donny?
Owl_Eagle(If what I just wrote makes you sad or angry,
LOL...that's great! And quite true...
Mornin'!
I lub Donnie & Marie.
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