I need help with marriage troubles (vanity)

[kerouacbal]

I am 26 years old and have been married for 2 years. I am having trouble growing up and I am driving my wife nuts. It has gotten to the point that my wife talks about divorce almost every day. I want to work this out more then I every wanted anything but I can't seem to do it or do it quick enough. I can't seem to remember consistently to do every day things like take out the garbage make sure all the doors are locked and the heat is off at night (there is a lot more but won't get into it all). I am posting this here to try to get some advise on how to help my self grow up and start to take care of my wife and son better like a husband should. My parents are dead and I don't have a close family member or friend to get advise from. Could someone please help me.

[af_vet_1981]

Go to counseling. I would seek the advice of a pro first and forget about the people here.

Someone has to pay their bills ...

[RSmithOpt]

A man of my own experiences....hmmmmmmm....same woman maybe or twin sister? LMAO!!! See post #256.

[tutstar]

ping

[Sir Gawain]

It was a joke. Lighten up.

[wizr]

Slow down, check out God's creations. Watched a Jesus play last night. While waiting for it to start, all of the little 'angels' were laughing and smiling in anticipation. I felt a flood of smiles. Now, that's a rush.

Just a preview of what heaven must be like. I ride too. But, there is a whole world of experiences around you, if you open your eyes.

God luck.

[Phantom Lord]

Get a girl friend

[babaloo999]

a little Devine Intervention:

I've always liked Dan, too.

[vetvetdoug]

Marriage counselor. NoMarriage.com. Good Luck.

[Remole]

You need a temporary system that will let you create new habits. So get large sized post-it notes and on each make a list of all responsibilities you have to do on a certain area. So, make one: Morning Chores. Another: End-of-Day Chores. Put them up around the house. Then buy one of those wet-board calendars and post it on a wall in the laundry room or wherever; and on it write all the deadlines you have on a monthly basis. Then print up a list of all important phone numbers and post one in the house, one in the car, one in your wallet, etc. The key thing is to do whatever you can to NOT rely on your memory. Get everything out in the open, on paper that you just have to consult.

[OKSooner]

Man, I'm sorry you're having trouble. I'm also sorry to see some of the harsh responses you're getting to your thread. I once posted a similar thread about a problem I was having at work and got the $#1+ flamed out of myself over it, so I know how it feels. I also know how it feels to need help with something like this and have no solution to it, but that's not the point.

So, I'll offer my $.02 worth. I don't know you or your wife or your situation except that you're having problems. I hope it can be fixed. You say you don't have any friends or clergy to talk to, but that doesn't have to be a problem. I suggest that you look in the phone book for a church-based counseling service that offers help for marriages.

Go sit down and talk with a professional and try to talk it over. This will force you both to lay it out like adults, and to listen. If you're not comfortable with the place or the person, go somewhere else, because there are some flakes out there doing that kind of work. There are some good people too.

Also, if either of you drink or smoke dope, etc, stop now, and don't hang with people who do.

God bless you and have a nice Christmas.

[PeoplesRepublicOfWashington]

About 90% of couples who go to marriage counseling end up getting a divorce. I'd steer clear of the counselors.

[vetvetdoug]

Best advice I ever got was here on the FR when I needed it the most. I lost my wife three years ago and asked for help and got it. Good Luck.

[King Black Robe]

About 90% of couples who go to marriage counseling end up getting a divorce. I'd steer clear of the counselors.

I agree, but books from the right sources can be helpful.

[concretebob]

WhippingPost

[Deo et Patria]

"Think of others first, before yourself. Put your wife and child's best interests at the forefront of your activities before you look after yourself."

This is the best advice that I can give you as well. First, tell your wife that you are committed to doing ANYTHING possible to show her that you want to be married to her. Tell her that you will move heaven and earth to avoid getting a divorce. Then, work on addressing the things that make her mad. Also try to work on your faith life together. Always discuss important issues with her, don't let things simmer. Let us know how it works out, good luck.

[Ditter]

Today is our 46 wedding anniversary (I think). Mr. Ditter is off on a trip enjoying his hobby and that is OK (he has already called me 4 times and it is not yet noon).

All I can tell you is, if you are BOTH willing to give in to the other without hold a grudge, together you can make it work. If one insists the other make all (or most of) the sacrifices, then it won't work.

[mafree]

Two: My dog is part of the package.

If the bike posted is yours it's nice- now how about a pic of the dog?

[Antonello]

I suspect there are issues here well beyond those you have shared; possibly even beyond those you are consciously aware of.

That being said, two things come to mind. First and foremost, the divorce talk has to end. For the first few years, my wife would throw out the 'D' word freely, no matter how small or petty the argument. I finally got fed up with it and responded by abruptly breaking off the fight and packing up her clothes. I put the bags outside the door and told her if she was serious about divorcing over insignificant matters then to call her mother to come get her. I made it clear that I would no longer let her use divorce as an empty threat; if she said it again, I would hold her to it. I meant it and she knew it. That was the last time divorce was mentioned, and our marriage is immeasurably stronger for it.


The second thing is the two of you must identify what the real problem is. The things you mention, while certainly annoying, are merely signs of a greater issue. It may be that this is her way of expressing that she feels she cannot rely on you to be there when she needs you. Or it might be that she is testing your self esteem. Or, more likely, neither of you really know what you want, and in frustration you both have latched on to whatever is readily visible as the source of your unhappiness. Discovering this true underlying issue is the key to saving your marriage.

By all means work on becoming a more reliable partner by learning to do little things around the house, preferably on your own initiative. Don't wait to be nagged about the trash; train yourself to start looking for things and doing them on the spot. But that is simply part of being an adult; it isn't what will save your marriage. My first marriage ended when I fell into the trap of trying to be the ultimate capitulator: always giving in to her every whim and allowing her to pin all her unhappiness on me.

Had I developed the backbone to assert myself and insist we be partners in accepting responsibility, things might have gone differently. Or perhaps not, I will never know for sure. But I do know that I learned from it and I believe it is why I have such a strong, satisfying marriage now.

[Chunga]

If you drink, stop. If you smoke marijuana, stop.

Write down a list of the things you're supposed to do every day and check them off one by one when you're finished with them. Do not rest until these tasks are completed every day.

Pick up after yourself. Clean up the messes you make. Stay home at night unless you're going out with your wife. Take out the garbage. If the laundry needs to be done, do it. If the dishes need to be washed, wash them. If you see anything that is undone that your wife will have to do if you don't do it yourself, do it! Do not under any circumstances mention any of the changes and improvements you make on your own to your wife in order to seek her approval. She will not respect you for it. Just do the stuff you need to do.

This is part of what growing up is like. You do what needs to be done without prompting. (This is only the beginning, so get started right away...force yourself to get started. You are going to have to learn discipline the hard way. You will have to teach yourself. Get to work on some unpleasant task right now.)

[woofie]

LOL