Dating game becoming more like a chore

Winston-Salem Journal ^ | Thursday, January 8, 2004 | Kate Zernike

[Mr. Jeeves]

By her own admission, Sara Cambridge was "totally cruising."

She spent hours trolling online dating sites, sending e-mail messages to potential mates and creating "a real connection," which would invariably sour into deep disappointment within the first five minutes of an actual date. At which point she would return to the sites, send more e-mail, make another connection and suffer another snap disappointment.

Finally, there was the left-leaning writer, who took her to a Japanese tea garden and, like so many of the others, seemed so perfect from his resume.

"In the e-mails, he would say, 'Tell me a story,' which I thought was kind of charming," said Cambridge, 38, a graphic designer in San Francisco. "When we got together it was, 'Tell me stories, tell me stories, tell me stories.' I felt like I was auditioning for a play."

That was it.

"I realized I could be starting my own business in the time I was spending looking at these ads and crafting these responses," she said. So instead of going back online, she began taking a class in small-business administration and designing funky planters.

Cambridge's tale is one small act of resistance against what might be called the Dating-Industrial Complex, a mighty fortress increasingly hard to ignore. To Match.com and Nerve.com, add DreamMates, The Right Stuff, eHarmony and eCrush (neither to be confused with Etrade, though the general concept is the same). TurboDate, HurryDate, 8minuteDating - or It's Just Lunch.

Reality television shows - The Bachelorette, Average Joe - have fed the impression that finding the right mate is as simple as being presented with a room of 10 people and picking one. Bookstores bulge: Surrendered Single, Find a Husband After 35 Using What I Learned at Harvard Business School, Make Every Girl Want You. That is just a sampling from the last year; the next two months will bring one manual promising to lure the love of your life in seven weeks, another in a sleeker six.

"There's a fetishization of coupling," said Bella DePaulo, a visiting professor of psychology at the University of California at Santa Barbara, who studies perceptions of singles. "It's made the pressure that's always been there more intense."

Yet like Cambridge, longtime combatants in the dating wars, psychologists and those who study the lives of singles talk about increasing dating fatigue. They say that more and more people are taking dating sabbaticals or declaring they will let romance happen by chance, not commerce. Once-obsessive online daters are logging off, clients of speed-dating services - which offer dozens of encounters in a roomful of strangers - are slowing down. A book due out this month, Quirkyalone, offers "a manifesto for uncompromising romantics" - those not opposed to romance but against the compulsory dating encouraged by the barrage of books, Web sites and matchmaking services.

Pottery Barn and Williams-Sonoma report that singles are signing up for housewarming and birthday registries, deciding they do not have to wait for a wedding to request the pastamaker and flatware. Smaller stores report single women registering for china patterns and crystal, without ring, proposal or mate.

"I have no doubt that there is a great, committed relationship out there for me," Cambridge said. "I don't identify at all with people who think, 'I'll never find another person.' I just think the best thing to do is pursue my goals, and whatever unfolds will be a new story."

Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, the co-director of the National Marriage Project, who relied on a national survey as well as in-depth interviews and dating histories of 60 women for her 2002 book Why There Are No Good Men Left: The Romantic Plight of the New Single Woman, said this hard-won wisdom is increasingly common. "People are making some kind of private agreement with themselves that they're not going to do this in a panicky, driven way that implicitly buys into the notion that if it doesn't happen to you, you'll be miserable," she said.

The discontent, Whitehead said, is not limited to women. Marc Johnson, 33, describes his late 20s and early 30s as a cycle between looking for dates, planning dates, going on dates or deconstructing dates with friends.

It all began to seem a bit small last year when he returned to New York from a trip to Vietnam, and was greeted by friends hassling him about when he was going to date various women.

"When you're seeing the world and civilizations that are thousands of years old - it seemed so petty to focus on 'meeting the right match,"' he said, his voice mocking the phrase. "You get a bit older, you go through this a couple of times, you start to think that life is short."

Like others, Johnson now feels that you can't hurry love. "It's not a backlash or resenting the whole dating thing," he said. "It's just, you've gotten over it, it's no longer of the utmost importance to go on a set number of dates or be on dates or to meet some specific person. By taking off that pressure you allow yourself to just go through life, enabled to meet people."

Kara Herold, 34, who lives in San Francisco, grew increasingly alarmed as friends succumbed to the pressure to find a mate, buying - and buying into - the endless supply of love-help books.

"In college when I was 20 it was dieting, now it's men and relationships," she said. "I was in a panic, but part of me thought, 'This is crazy, why are we concerned about this?"'

Herold is turning her disgust into a documentary, Bachelor, 34, which captures her mother's urging her toward a relationship ("He's Catholic and Republican, but it's nothing you can't change") and her online experiences.

Sasha Cagen, the author of Quirkyalone, wrote her book after being, as she said, "thoroughly messed up by The Rules," the best-seller that advised women to play the old-fashioned game of hard-to-get.

"The whole idea that you shouldn't ask someone out, that you're putting yourself out there to be rejected, that's just stupid," she said. "It just reinforces this warped, passive vision of what it means to be a woman."

Cagen, 29, is not against setups or dating. She is emphatically not against sex. Rather, she writes, she is "anti dull relationship."

She reminds her followers of the power of not yearning for a relationship. "If you are in a relationship to feel normal," she writes, "get out."

Still, the dating industry steamrolls forward, particularly in online services, which claim a huge jump in membership in the last two years.

Although the services love to talk about the success stories, they also admit, more quietly, to the dropouts. Matchmaker.com says its internal surveys show that the No. 1 reason people leave is that they do not find the right person. Just below that is that they have met someone, and men are twice as likely as women to say they met that companion offline, not on. (Women who drop out after meeting someone are twice as likely to cite an online connection.)

Ethan Watters, the author of Urban Tribes, which began with his own exploration of why he had remained single into his 30s, said that as people delay marriage, they begin to rely more on friends and see relationships less as the missing piece that will complete their lives. "They realize that a good love affair has as the basis a really good friendship," he said.

[ItsOurTimeNow]

I'm not from Indiana, my wife is. She's from Richmond.

[tjg]

My intention wasn't to offend you or anybody that uses the service. I apologize for doing so. I was just writing some random thoughts on the subject.

You are correct that I am totally ignorant of the current state of dating in the US. I do know that meeting "living breathing women" can be a problem for single guys even if you are surrounded by them. I studied engineering at Ohio State in the '80's. It was almost exclusively men in my classes; a core group of guys surrounded by a sea of women, yet meeting them was always a problem.

So I wasn't criticizing your approach. I was speculating that a dating service is no more effective than any of the other methods that don't work very well either.

It's a difficult endeavor, but one that I'm sure will yeild success for you if you keep at it. Good Luck.

[angcat]

You go! I hope you get that TV in time! :)

[half_nelson]

Good point, it could make things a little awkward!!

[warchild9]

My daddy taught me that every lady was a "ma'am", and a few were even "madams".

[Mark17]

What country is that???

The Philippines. I can live like a king there, with my 2 retirements, and my woman.

[pctech]

Ahhhh, I thought as much. I dunno about living there anymore, the Phillipines and Guam are definitely turning anti-american. Might want to rethink that.

[XBob]

173 - thanks for posting this:

Here's an old thread worth reviving:
Why White Men Prefer Asian Women
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/555526/posts

[cyborg]

That thread is loooooong BUT I remember those talk shows from the eighties. Hilarious seeing men with pretty foreign wives then some Walmart shopper in Lane Bryant yell and scream what's wrong with American women LOL

[XBob]

240 - "Wonder what the Russian men are like?"

My experience with Russian Men is limited but may be of interest to you. Back in the 80's, before the Soviet fall, Reagan was pressuring the USSR and the let many Jews leave. My engineering and construction company hired about half a dozen I worked with, and I became aquainted rather well with two.

Now you must remember that they are religious people and engineers - two major personality determinants.

But they were all uniformly pleasant, intelligent, competent, hard working, sober, quiet men (in their 30's-40's) - they fit into our company quite well, and I have nothing bad at all to report. They were just like our engineers - quiet, competent, professionals - in other words - 'boring' to all those women who want the 'bad boys'. Most all were also married, and had come to this country with their families, worked hard and did a good job of supporting them. In short, they would be good FReeper men.

[Mark17]

I was just there 3 months ago, and I never had any problems at all. I think much of this so called anti Americanism is a media invention. I was treated like royalty. I was in Mindanao, supposedly the most dangerous place on earth. Another media invention. Detroit, Chicago, LA and New York are far more dangerous.

[XBob]

349 - "That thread is loooooong BUT I remember those talk shows from the eighties. Hilarious seeing men with pretty foreign wives then some Walmart shopper in Lane Bryant yell and scream what's wrong with American women LOL"

===
That reminds me of an interesting experience I had, when stationed in Taipei, Taiwan as a young, single, junior officer. Not long after I got there, I was in the Officers Club after work, and having a drink at the bar, talking with a friend, and the club was full. We noticed a very large table, with a number of American girls, school teachers. They normally sat alone and together at a smaller table. Well, this time, the only place for them was at this large round table (12+ seats). So these 4-5 girls sat there.

I, newly arrived, said 'Let's go talk to the girls.' And he so no, they are American girls, teachers. Well, I talked him into it, so we went over and sat down with the girls, after getting gentlemanly permission. And they pretty much ignored us, talking among themselves. So I got a few more guys to come join us. And we talked together, trying to bring the girls into a conversation. It was rather strange - all the women and men, at the same table, talking only to each other, and wanting to talk to the other sex, but the girls remained 'stand offish'.

So, after about 10 minutes or so, a rather loud comment came from the girls section, addressed to another girl, "I don't know why the guys want Chinese girls, when they could have a good American girl, like me (perhaps it was us).' With that my friend, got up, addressed her, and said loudly 'That's exactly why.' and went back to the bar. Soon, all the guys had left and the girls were sitting alone at the giant table.

I got a Chinese girl friend and never tried to talk to the Americn girl teachers again, and as I noticed, so did all the other single junior officers. For my whole tour, the girls continued to sit alone, in the midst of many eligible guys, while we got Chinese girl friends and had a ball, one of the best tours in the Air Force I ever had. Many guys marrying the Chinese girls.

[cyborg]

when they could have a good American girl, like me

*** Some women are legends in their own minds, till they either look in the mirror or someone tape records their 'lovely deportment'. I just love the way strangers feel they can insert themselves into other people's business. Your buddy was too kind IMHO hahahaha

[cyborg]

Anti-americanism as portrayed in the media is complete BS. They go looking for it. When I was in France, I didn't see a speck of anti-americanism which makes me wonder if all the talk of it wass trumped up crapola.

[XBob]

The Philippined and Philippino people are great, very nice, both men and women. But you must 'sing' - literally, and married to a Philippino, I am sure you know what I mean.

I found the following:

===

I spent a long time overseas in various countries as a single man. And learned a lot about women of various nationalities/cultures. And learned a few things about men/women and also about American men/women vs others.

1. Unlike what American women think, men and women are not Equal, they are complimentary - yin and yang - two asymetical parts of a complete circle. Generally, American women think they are 'equal', and compete with men (bisecting the circle), while foreign women adapt to the non-symetry of men and enfold his foibles. This is particularly true of East Asian women. They don't want to be men. They know better. And they also know, as women, they have certain other responsibilities than men. And the way it works (a secret I never did learn) works particularly on children. I rarely saw screaming sqwaling brats, in private or public.

2. American men, are particularly appreciated by foreign women, because (money or no money) they treat their women better.

3. Perhaps most important of all, women (of all nationalities) are the bosses, due to the weakness of men, located between their legs. The major difference is that Eastern Women make the man 'think' he is the boss. And this makes the man happy, who, happily works his butt off to please and take care of his woman and his family. Sort of like the good dog, who will fight the bear to his own death to protect his master.

3. The key to the mutually good arrangement, is to never let the man find out the truth, that he is not 'the boss'. American women, often quickly, and in no uncertain terms, let the men know who is boss. And thus, men withdraw, and divorce from this forced 'servitude', called marriage, just to propagate their children. Marriages to Eastern Women often quickly fail, when they are brought to the US, and the women become 'Americanized' by the American women/society, and let the man know who is boss.

4. And women have another particular problem. They are, for some strange reason, initially attracted to 'bad boys', who treat them badly and who are very irresponsible. This is particularly true of the younger ones, before they have resposibilities and children. Thus, the old division men had about women - those you have sex with and those you marry. By being attracted to the 'bad boys', women often disregard/discard the very men they really should have in the long run. And now that all women have become those that you have sex with (equals), men can't tell the difference between the two types/stages; and women keep waiting for that 'perfect' 'white knight' who they discarded earlier. The very ones who now have little respect for women, good or bad.

5. I never could figure out why American women wanted to be 'equal' to men, and come DOWN to our level. It seems like a lose/lose situation, for individuals and for society.

[cyborg]

SPOT ON XBOB!!!!!

My mother's American friends used to faint when they heard my mom used to give my dad pedicures, clean his fingernails and cook him dinner. When my mom used to say she wouldn't be able to go out with friends, they'd tell her 'oh go home to your white slavemaster and shave his beard'. The sexual revolution taught women nothing really IMHO.

[XBob]

356 - Thankyou. That quick digest took me a long time to learn and figure out.

"The sexual revolution taught women nothing really IMHO."

How true.

Pedicures are not necessary - but put succinctly, the thing that American women have forgotten is how to "Make a man, FEEL like a man". When they do that, they will find that American men love to make them "Feel like a woman'.

We are fighters/runners - and pretty good at it. So when we start getting emasculated, first we fight, then we run.

Sadly, American women are reaping their rewards.

And now, stupidly, they are getting 'equally' shot and blown up in Iraq, and bringing down the men with them - like our pretty little blond missy who had to be rescued at great risk of life/limb.

[XBob]

And no body is raising our kids.

[cyborg]

Men need to feel like their king of the castle, protecting their family and providing for their brood. To me takimg away any one of those, makes a man feel less than a man.

[cyborg]

you got that right