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DOJ Wants More Money [semi-satire]
Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 March 2023 | John Semmens

Posted on 03/03/2023 11:14:33 PM PST by John Semmens

In testimony before the Senate Judiciary Committee, Attorney General Merrick Garland made a pitch for increased funding, saying "we don't have enough people. We don't have enough money. We don't have enough jails. We don't have enough judges."

"Let me cite a few numbers to make my point," he added. "Consider the fact that at present we have fewer than 8,000 FBI agents in the field. Of the two largest domestic terrorist organizations we have to deal with the Republican Party numbers more than 35 million potential insurrectionists and the Catholic Church has more than 70 million religious bigots. This makes the task of maintaining surveillance daunting and the prospect of keeping them under control impossible."

Sen. John Cornyn (R-TX) questioned Garland's figures, calling them "outrageous and defamatory. Opposing political parties are an essential component of a democratic republic. Proposing and debating alternative policies for governing the country is not terrorism. And freedom of religion is guaranteed by the US Constitution. Treating political and religious differences as crimes sounds like policies that characterize dictatorships."

"I'm not saying that all Republicans or all Catholics must be suppressed," Garland explained. "But if we don't make examples of the worst of them by sending them to prison there will be no deterrence against a massive uprising targeting the current government. All I'm asking is that the FBI get the same kind of 80,000 increase in armed enforcement agents that the IRS got in last year's budget. In order to attain the unity that President Biden has promised for the country a shared set of values must be enforced. Since certain enemies within refuse to voluntarily acquiesce, a stronger national police force is needed to compel a basic minimum standard of obedience to government authority. It is Congress' duty to fund a force of sufficient strength if our democracy is to be saved."

Later on at the hearing Garland argued that "sending violent male offenders who identify as transgender to women's prisons is necessary to preserve their dignity and self-respect" and disputed Sen. Lindsay Graham's (R-SC) suggestion that this might increase the danger to actual women. Garland asked, "Ii a person says they are a woman, who can truthfully say they are not? Also, let's not forget that the women in prison are convicted criminals themselves. They are probably safer from being raped by a transgender while in prison than they would be in the less supervised conditions on the outside."

If you missed any of the other Semi-News/Semi-Satire posts you can find them at...

https://www.freedomsphoenix.com/Opinion/340399-2023-03-04-semi-news-semi-satire-march-5-2023-edition.htm


TOPICS: Government; History; Humor; Politics
KEYWORDS: biden; catholics; garland; republicans; satire; terrorists; tyranny

1 posted on 03/03/2023 11:14:33 PM PST by John Semmens
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To: #1CTYankee; 12Gauge687; 14erClimb; 21twelve; 1raider1; 2nd Bn, 11th Mar; 3D-JOY; 43north; ...

ping


2 posted on 03/03/2023 11:16:35 PM PST by John Semmens
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To: John Semmens

Well I will be damned! /s. I want more money, who the hell don’t? 😳 cry me a river Merrick you piece of trash.


3 posted on 03/04/2023 12:59:51 AM PST by Equine1952
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To: John Semmens

Maybe the Ukraine will give you a loan.


4 posted on 03/04/2023 2:34:31 AM PST by .44 Special (Taimid Buacharch)
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To: John Semmens

That’s 8000 too many FBI, Garland!


5 posted on 03/04/2023 6:43:56 AM PST by JoJo354 (We need to get to work, Conservatives!)
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To: .44 Special

As a matter of fact, Garland visited Zelensky in Kiev today.


6 posted on 03/04/2023 10:50:39 AM PST by rfp1234 (E Porcibus Unum )
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To: John Semmens

Dear John,
Your have done it again!
Brilliant satire, believable in our present times.
I can’t wait for the next “semi” piece.
You are a “oner,” as my dear Mother used to say.
Thank you, so much.


7 posted on 03/04/2023 7:44:45 PM PST by BatGuano (2020 = Stolen Election. Believe it! Molon Labe.)
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To: John Semmens
Also, let's not forget that the women in prison are convicted criminals themselves. They are probably safer from being raped by a transgender while in prison than they would be in the less supervised conditions on the outside."

Thanks, John, for another fine mixture of news and alleged satire.

8 posted on 03/05/2023 10:55:02 AM PST by Seaplaner (Never give in. Never give in. Never, never, never...in nothing, great or small...Winston Churchill)
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