Posted on 08/02/2016 10:56:43 AM PDT by Scythian_Reborn
I've been married 25 years, I'm not going to go into the reasons but I just need to file for divorce, we have three kids, youngest is in high school. Love them more than I can say, to live in a different house than them is the most terrible thing I can imagine.
Already my heart is breaking just thinking about it but there's no saving this marriage. Have any of you been through such a thing? How did you cope with the loneliness. I am not a drinker and don't have a lot of friends.
Do any of you regret it terribly, I need to know ...
Well here’s what I found. The Family Court System is corrupt, everywhere, but especially in NJ. Lawyers screw you left and right. They are not your psychologist. Don’t use them as such. NJ Child Support is run by incompetent people. Basically, divorce sucks. But here’s a silver lining for you. If you spent 20 plus years in a lousy marriage, you are going to be amazed at the women that are out there for you now. If you keep yourself active and in good shape, your dating pool is limitless. Remember Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Corrolla on the Man Show? Half your age plus 7 is the rule. So if you’re 50, you are in the ballpark of 32 and up! And it’s pretty much true! Hey, don’t be down, look at the possibilities!
Never divorced, but I’ll chime in anyways:
1. I very strongly recommend that if possible you stay married and living together until the youngest graduates high school. If you’re not fighting in front of him, it’s best not to put him through your divorce too. If that means living in the basement for two years, fine (plus it’s cheaper than getting your own place - save up money for post-divorce).
2. The reason for the divorce matters. Figure out exactly what the problem is, whether it requires divorce, and if divorce can be delayed until you (or both of you???) are better prepared for the logistics of being on your own.
3. Be as polite and sweet as possible no matter what - at least outwardly, no matter what you are thinking. Divorces that go scorched earth are common, and the pleasure you get from sticking it to her or saying something nasty will cost far more than you imagine - everyone loses on that path.
I’d rethink that Poland bit. My oldest friend married a Polish woman who screams like a fishwife if he doesn’t get paid in cash and is a minute late in the door. She phones him relentlessly at work. She married him to get citizenship and she’s gained about 100 pounds since she married. Yuck!
I agree with finding a program like DivorceCare.
And you don’t have to be a Christian to benefit from what churches with Divorce Recovery programs have to offer. They’ll accept you wherever you are at and give you the support you need.
Also, see if you’re ex will agree to go to a neutral mediation counselor. It could save you a bundle. If you each get you own lawyers to fight, they will almost encourage an adversarial relationship, because that means more $$ for them.
Mediators have no such motivation.
Good luck!
“she’s gained about 100 pounds since she married”
That’s pretty much every woman once you leave the dating stage and move to committed relationship. They think being exclusive is a license to gain 25-30 lbs.
I beg to differ. And some of you guys need to look in the mirror - especially when you have to order the tacky toupee and let the gut hang over the belt. And some of those guys aren’t even married!
First, you need to make a clear priority of your kids. You need to be there for them. You need to find time for them and things to do with them that will help them develop into responsible adults. Doing that is not buying things for them or taking them to do fun things. It is sharing life experiences with them, showing them you have a moral compass and that you work hard and have integrity.
Second, your children will be hurting and confused by the change. Insist on some family counseling with them and with just the kids so they can get things off their chest with someone who will listen, understand and help them deal with the change.
Third, most self help books stress something called “Getting a Life” or GAL. It is usually code words for making yourself a better and more interesting person. It usually involves hard exercise and learning new things/skills. Find something physical that you can do with your kids, walking, bicycling, swimming, judo, running. Do something with them that will emotionally bond all of you to one another through exercise and achievement.
Good luck. Focus on your kids.
After the divorce you have a choice to date
or not. Just remember that if you choose not to
you will lose some communication skills that make
all the difference in finding a mate.
Now, it does have compensations. You don’t have
a honey do list and you don’t have to put up
with crap. Get a dog, the vet bills won’t be any
where near what you would spend otherwise.
After a while you will achieve geezerdom and won’t
think about it too much. Just be careful about making
your nest too nice else a female will find it too
attractive and decide you are the one.
Signed Old Geezer.
Not only will you save a BUNDLE of money, going through this life changing process in a non-adversarial manner will set a better tone for your children, and will lessen the need to "fix" issues that will crop up with them during an adversarial process.
bump
“the ex- missed an evening activity at the school, in order to go drink with his work buddies. Reinforced the decision, and my son was highly upset, told me he knew what was more important to dad. People might criticize, but hold your head high.”
I’m sure convincing your son that his father’s world must revolve around him and succumb to his will has done wonders for his emotional well being, particularly now that his father is no longer around as the result of that belief.
Exactly. See the thing is, I would do it.
I am literally the wrong person to play chicken with. I’m the kind who would glue the gas pedal to the floor and pull out and throw the steering wheel at you.
If I’m going to be screwed over, my plan is the Samson option, like in the Bible where Samson pulled the pillar down (and the whole building) on the Phillistines.
Fang and I have been married 52, almost 53 years (in
September). - Yeah. You get bored with each other.
You’ll get bored with the next one that comes along.
When you start getting OLD, you both NEED each other to
help each other shoulder the burdens in life. (And -
OLD comes earlier than some might imagine!)
Sex (with anyone) eventually gets boring and old. Just
give it a rest for a while and quit thinking you have to
be a soap opera “hunk”.
Fang has had a very serious condition for many years.
(Remember the part about “in sickness & in health)?
Well, you both are human beings and may well need each
other to SERVE one another at those times. This may
include sleeping in a recliner for long periods of time
after surgeries. (A new “sweetie” who would not like to do
that may not be your “new dream sweetie” after all.)
Neither she, nor you, have ANY guarantees in this life.
All sorts of crap happens; but then all sorts of blessings
happen, too!
Love ain’t always a “warm and fuzzy feeling”. Sometimes it’s
just the satisfaction of living up to the VOWS you opened
your mouths and uttered long ago.
How and why is that absurd?
I am not sure what you are trying to say, but it seems to be some kind of slam about me and what you seem to assume I may have said or done to influence my son/children.
Why don’t you tell me all about it, since you feel you know the facts?
His father is no longer around, you are right. His father died 5 years ago at age 56 due to complications of alcoholism. His father chose to put his own social and partying lifestyle above the role of being a husband to me or a father to his children. He made that choice in about 1992. We divorced in 1994. He once was in a fight at a bar, and the police were called. He had the kids there with him, 9 and 5 years old. Then he moved hundreds of miles away to live with a girlfriend in a trailer in backwoods MO. He did not care that he would not see the kids regularly, because he was in love.
So you can make all the nasty comments you want about what you think must be my parental failures, without knowing any of the facts or of the heartache that we endured for years, and feel that you have somehow put me in my place. Hope it makes you feel good.
Agree on all points.
As I grow older I see love as more of a choice that is made than a feeling.
We make our vows because we choose to love that person.
We honor our vows because we choose to do the right thing regardless of how we might feel in the moment.
Until you came along, this thread was getting pretty depressing ;-)
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