Posted on 11/12/2014 11:32:47 AM PST by zlala
Looking for suggestions and/or advice dealing with parents with dementia and making mostly bad decisions.
They are completely ignoring what the doctors tell them. My dad ignores them because he no longer has the capability to remember beyond a few minutes what is said. My mom, we just aren't sure where she is at; if she doesn't like what is said she denies it was said or says she doesn't remember. It's hard to know with her because she always been like that. Even her new doctor said she was "particularly difficult."
Dad has been told by 2 different doctors not to drive & mostly he's ok with that. But if my mom wants something or to go somewhere she instigates him wanting to drive. They currently don't have their car, but want to back. My mom is going blind, but insists she can drive.
Anyway, it goes on and on. We are meeting with an Elderly Care attorney tomorrow to see if guardianship is an option.
All advise/suggestions are appreciated.
You might check into being their power of attorney for starters.
You have my prayers. We are dealing with a similar set of issues for my wife’s parents, although they remain in their home with a full time care giver.
It is very hard to deal with. I’m sorry I don’t have real advice to share, but I hope to read some on this thread.
God Bless you and your family.
The best advice I have from experience, is lots of time in Prayer. Everyday the scenario will change. The Lord was my Wisdom and my strength.
Have you thought of having them come live with you?
My wife is POA tor both her parents and both of us were primary care givers for 6 years. Her brothers have walked away from us especially after her dad became suicidal and had to go into a dementia ward. I would never do it again.
Just went through with my mother I am now stuck with being the executor without benefit of all the info I would have had had I done this earlier. Go for it and just try to explain that you are taking care of them and that it is for the best. They will not remember but at least the family will know they are well cared for.
The STUBBORNNESS of the elderly makes this situation extremely difficult. They don’t want to lose their freedom (driving, etc.,) and that is the hardest part to overcome.
Get POA, Guardianship, etc. right away, even if it makes you unpopular for a while. There are many sharks that will steal from the elderly.
First of all - do they have wills and medical proxies already in place? I hope so. This is first and foremost important. Are both up to date? Is the executor / medical proxie you or someone you trust?
Also, do you have Power of Attorney for them? You may need specific POA’s done with their bank or other financial institutions to be able to view their records or help them with their finances.
My elderly father, unknown to us, was buying gold from some bucket shop, which had been calling him on the telephone. Gold is OK as an investment, but we found he grossly overpaid for this product, that was only 14K and difficult to re-sell. They were simply preying on his advanced age. We only learned about it after my brother was able to get POA and view his accounts.
Gentle persuasion and constant reminder of your previous plans and discussions are the only way I know to move things forward.
There are many sharks that will steal from the elderly.
BTTT
At this point I'm not sure my mom will sign anymore power of attorney(s) because she's pretty angry with her children. She claims we "dumped" them and never visit. We visit every week, if not several times a week. It's a mess right now.
I appreciate your comment.
1. Pray.
If you can get them to sign it you need 2 poa’s. A regular one and a medical poa. Good luck. I couldn’t get my mom to sign one and boy did we pay for it. She was very difficult. Eventually she wound up in the hospital and we talked the doctor into not releasing her except to a rehab facility. The people there and hospice who we used for skin care talked the main doctor there into declaring her incompetent so we could finally start making decisions. Til that point she made all the decisions, always wrong, and I had to come along and clean up the messes she made.
It’s never easy. Good luck.
Yes, Durable Power of Attorney and Full medical POA. Without those there is little you can do.
We were able to get my mother to sign these when we told her that her will was no longer valid being 50 years out of date (legally). We found an attorney that would do a package deal - Will, POA, MED POA and Trust for a super low price. It was the low price that attracted it to her.
Other than this look for triggering events and use them wisely. A minor accident can be used to get them to do the right thing.
Sometimes an expert outsider can be most helpful. Mother was not going to get any help while Dad was dying in the house (of a fatal illness, coming home to die). I got her to go with me to a Hospice. The director was fantastic and mother got the help she really needed (and avoided a lot of complications).
Prayers go with you. Let us know if you have POA and full Med.
Get a family law type attorney.
When ya have family members not capable of making common sense decisions, and they can endanger themselves and others, not to mention making reckless decisions with assets, it’s time to help them out and take control for their own good.
Not a happy pleasant thing to do, but the consequences of doing nothing can get extremely ugly.
BTW, just remember, there are hordes of people out there who wear nice suits, just waiting to take advantage of them, and loot what they have. No joke. It’s why predator lending laws, power of attorney laws were enacted, etc.
This right here. POA over health AND financial matters, I'll add.
Yes, show support for your sister when you visit them. Make sure they understand that you are doing everything to support your sister. This helps make your sister more effective.
Unity between you is everything now.
If everything is in place then you, your sister, or whoever has the poa’s just need to have the guts to do what’s right. Whether your parents like it or not. Sounds like you are having a moral conflict vs a paper work one.
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