DUmmie FUnnies 11-06-04 ("For 2 whole days, I layed in the corner drooling & making weird sounds")

I consider the DUmmies to be like my personal ant farm. Every day I look through my computer screen window at my DUmmie Ant Farm and they never disappoint. It is fascinating to stare at my DUmmie Ant Farm because they go though so many interesting variations. Some days the DUmmies are in a state of hilarious despair. Other days they act like drama queens. Since the election they often scream in helpless rage at the lousy deck of cards fate has dealt them. Today’s DUmmie FUnnies is one of the best in the FUN department as DUmmie mopaul describes in hilarious detail the agonies he has suffered since the re-election of the Evil Bush Regime in this DUmmie THREAD. So join me for this entertaining peek at the DUmmie Ant Farm. As usual the droppings of the little critters are in Bolshevik Red while the musings of the keeper of the DUmmie Ant Farm, your humble correspondent, are in the [brackets]:

[Consider yourself lucky, mopaul. Most DUmmies will be drooling and making weird sounds for 2 whole months as a result of the election.]

When I awoke very early Wednesday morning, I remember making coffee and sitting down with a cup at the computer machine....then, everything turned bright white, then completely black. I felt a dull thud, and heard a sound like a pumpkin smashing against a side of beef.

[All typical signs of the coming of the Apocalypse…except that the sound would be more like a pumpkin smashing against a side of hedgehog.]

Every few hours, I would drift back into lucidity, just long enough to realize I was laying in the corner of the living room with spittle running down my cheek and into a large puddle at my chin. and I could hear a weird voice off in the distance. I later realized it was my own voice, but I didn't hear words, only groans and occasional burps.

[These are usually symptoms of a condition that is known in medical circles as “inebriated”…but do continue, mopaul.]

One time when I blurred back into almost consciousness, I saw my dear wife, Mrs. Paul, over at the edge of the room, but she looked like she was 20 miles away, and I remember that the sensation of time passing had vanished, and I seemed to be locked in a ripple between time and space.

[Hmm….I take back my original prognosis of inebriation. This now sounds more like you had a near life experience. Please continue, mopaul. I find this FASCINATING.]

I got the vague blurred impression that I was curled up in the fetal position, and I could see a dust bunny in the corner in great detail, but I knew that dust bunnies didn't talk, as this one did. It kept echoing a phrase or mantra that I couldn't quite make out...'mandate'...'exit polls'....'massive turnout'...'4 more beers, 4 more beers'.....then the silence of the grave.

Then, I began to regret that I hadn't just died, and I felt hot as hell, but shivering like a naked man in antarctica, sweating and trembling violently. I remember dear Mrs. Paul applying a wet towel to my forehead and saying sweet comforting things to me, and I remember she looked like an angel, wings and all. for a while, it looked like I might pull through.

[I remember seeing a video like this once. Only instead of Mrs. Paul, it was Paris Hilton applying a wet towel and saying sweet comforting things.]

But then, the fever dreams began, and I descended into hell, headfirst. I saw all the souls of all the disenfranchised voters in a lake of burning sulpher and I heard their terrible lamentations, and I remember wishing that I'd never been born with ears, or eyes to see their awful suffering.

Deeper, and deeper I fell into the stygian abyss, and I saw off in the distance what looked like a fiery throne, and it came into view and I could not close my offended eyes or rip them out and I saw the beast of stolen elections in all his bloody glory and I grew sore afraid.

[Ah! The River Styx. I made that trip when I took my last Jungle Queen cruise in Fort Lauderdale deep in the heart of a lamentable Red State.]

'O Democratic God of justice, why hast thou forsaken me?' I wailed.
'Why must I look upon this horror of the ages with my mortal eyes?'

[Methinks you are paraphrasing “Jeebus” as mentioned in the previous edition of the Dummie FUnnies. Careful, mopaul, about mixing religion and politics or you may have to forsake your DUmmie membership.]

But I heard no reply to my plea, and no relief for my suffering soul, and I had no cool drink of salvation to quench my damned tongue, and no succor from my candidate.

After this I felt only blackness, cold and empty, where no shadows ever lived because no light had ever shone there. My eyes were open, as I later discovered, but I layed there like a dead man for the last hours of thursday night, stinking, burping, and generally bringing shame to my entire family.

[Full disclosure, please! You were also farting in addition to burping and stinking.]

Slowly, I began to recover from my affliction, my eyes cleared and my head too, but it still felt like spiders had built webs in there. I found the strength to make a pot of joe, and lurched back over to the computer machine. I stared at it for about two hours, motionless, finally grabbing the mouse and braced myself and faced the music. I started to comfort myself, and forget the awful ordeal I'd just been through and the portentous visions I'd had.

[Again we need full disclosure from you, mopaul. Not only did you grab the mouse but you also spanked the mouse. (And Mrs. Paul tells me the name of your mouse is Minnie.)]

And now, I'm gradually regaining my strength and composure, I've showered, put on clean clothes and burned the old ones, and apologized to my wife and my neighbors in the apt. above me.

[Just because you set your neighbor’s apartment afire due to burning your clothes is no reason to apologize to them.]

That's my story, and I'm sure I'm not the only one who's been down this same road of despair and redemption, and in that, I find solace and strength. Two days lost forever. Two whole days of my life taken, never to be redeemed. Two days of hell, to steel me on my quest for a satisfying election night. Someday, my prince, or princess will come

[And until then you shall remain a frog… Thus mopaul has set forth his sad DUmmie story. Somehow I think I should team up with this character and form a Vegas comedy act. This concludes the DUmmie Ant Farm viewing hours for today.]

DESPERATE DUmmie Invents News Stories

Bypasses spell check

Washington, D.C.
5 November 2004 -

NEWS IS BREAKING THAT KARL ROVE AND PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH CONSPIRED TO HAVE LEAKED TO THEM JOHN KERRY'S GLOWING EXIT POLL NUMBERS TO NOT BE REPORTED TO THE AMERICAN NEWS MEDIA WHO COLLECTIVELY PAID $10 MILLION TO THE NATIONAL ELECTION POOL - HIRED TO TABULATE ELECTION EXIT POLLS. THIS CONSORTIUM OF THE MAJOR TELEVISION AND THE ASSOCIATED PRESS USES THESE EXIT POLLS TO PREPARE STORIES ON THE ELECTION AND TO MAKE PROJECTIONS OF RACES ACROSS THE COUNTRY.

THEY DID NOT GET THEIR MONEY'S WORTH.

JOHN KERRY'S VERY EXCELLENT EXIT POLLS CAUSED PANIC TO SET IN AT THE WHITE HOUSE; WHERE IT IS REPORTED THAT PRESIDENT BUSH WAS ABOUT TO WRITE HIS CONCESSION SPEECH AS JOHN KERRY WAS GOING TO HIS HOUSE TO WRITE HIS ACCEPTANCE SPEECH.

KARL ROVE, DIEBOLDT, SEQUOIA AND ELECTIONS SYSTEMS & SOFTWARE, OHIO SEC. OF STATE, J. KENNETH BLACKWELL AND OTHERS - INCLUDING THE STREAM OF BUSH POLLSTERS WHO SPUN THE "MORAL VALUES" COVER STORY ON FRIDAY - HAVE CONSPIRED TO THRWART THE WILL OF THE AMERICAN PEOPLE AND THE U.S. CONSTITUTION. AN ACT OF TREASON.

BREAKING NEWS BY HOUR REPORTS THAT CNN, CBS, ABC and now, some of those cable news programs devoted to President Bush - FOX NEWS AND NBC - ARE SCAMBLING TO REPORT ON THE STORY OF THE CENTURY: THE ATTEMPTED THEFT OF THE 2004 U.S. PRESIDENTIAL AND GENERAL ELECTIONS.

AS OF 10 P.M. EST - NEWS REPORTS CONFIRM THAT PRESIDENT BUSH, NOW AT CAMP DAVID, SUPPOSEDLY PREPARING FOR A SECOND-TERM IN OFFICE, IS IN SECRET MEETINGS TO CHANGE U.S. ELECTION LAW BEFORE HE HAS BEEN CONFIRMED AS THE TRUE WINNER OF TUESDAY GENERAL ELECTION.

KARL ROVE, THE PRESIDENT'S ARCHITECT OF HIS RE-ELECTION EFFORT, WAS REPORTED BY CNN AND OTHER NEWS ORGANIZATION, TO HAVE CALLED THEM IN AN ATTEMPT TO PRESSURE THEM TO CALL THE STATE OF OHHIO AND ITS 20 ELECTORAL VOTES FOR THE PRESIDENT.

FOX NEWS CHANNEL AND NBC/MSNBC AGREED AND CALLED OHIO FOR THE PRESIDENT WHILE OHIO VOTERS CONTINUED TO STRAIN POLLS WAITING MORE THAN 12 HOURS IN LONG LINES TO VOTE. THE VOTE TABULATION DOES NOT REFLECT THE RECORD OHIO TURNOUT IN ALL 88 COUNTIES.

CNN REFUSED TO CALL OHIO FOR THE PRESIDENT; HOWEVER, FOX NEWS AND MSNBC CALLED OHIO - GIVING PRESIDENT BUSH 269 ELECTORAL VOTES. ONE SHORT OF THE REQUIRED 270 NEEDED FOR ELECTION.

MASSIVE AND WIDESPREAD VOTER FRAUD ACROSS THE UNITED STATES CONTINUES TO BE REPORTED WITH THE WORST STORIES COMING FROM FLORIDA AND OHIO. REPORTS SAY THAT KERRY IN FACT DID WIN BOTH STATES WITH A SUBSTANTIAL POPULAR VOTE LEAD AS WELL NUMBERING TO PERHAPS 3.8 MILLION - THE SAME AMOUNT CLAIMED BY KARL ROVE AND THE PRESIDENT.

REPORTS OF NATIONWIDE ANGER FROM BOTH DEMOCRATS AND REPUBLICANS AND A PENDING INVESTIGATION BY THE GENERAL ACCOUNTING OFFICE COULD BE A PRELUDE TO A CONSTITUTIONAL CRISIS NOT SEEN IN THIS COUNTRY SINCE THE 1972-74 WATERGATE SCANDAL THAT FORCED THE DISGRACE AND FORCED RESIGNATION OF RICHARD M. NIXON.

ON THURSDAY, PRESIDENT BUSH, CLAIMING VICTORY AND A MANDATE, SAID IN HIS 16TH NEWS CONFERENCE THAT HE "EARNED CAPITAL IN THIS CAMPAIGN AND I INTEND TO SPEND IT." HE THEN SPIRITED OFF TO CAMP DAVID AS NEWS BROKE OF THE IMPENDING ELECTION VOTING SCANDAL. THE PRESIDENT MADE NO COMMENT ON THE WIDESPREAD REPORTS OF MASSIVE ELECTION FRAUD FLOODING IN FROM ACROSS THE COUNTRY.

THE WHEREABOUTS OF KARL ROVE, DIEBOLDT CEO WALDEN O'DELL AND OHIO SECRETARY OF STATE J. KENNETH BLACKWELL IS UNKNOWN AS OF FRIDAY, 11;15 P.M. EST.

MEANWHILE, A MASSIVE MARCH IS BEING PLANNED TO HIT ALL STATE CAPITALS ACROSS THE UNITED STATES WITH A HUGE GATHERING HEADING TOWARD WASHINGTON D.C. TO DEFEND THE U.S. CONSTITUTION AND THE TRUE RESULTS OF THE 2004 GENERAL ELECTION.

SOURCES SAY JOHN KERRY AND JOHN EDWARDS REMAIN MUM, WATCHING DEVELOPMENTS. JOHN KERRY'S NOVEMBER 3RD CONCESSION IS NOT SEEN AS LEGALLY BINDING AND IS A POLITICAL DEVICE. SHOULD THE TRUE RESULTS OF THE OHIO VOTES EMERGE WITH RESULTS FROM OTHER STATES IT WOULD BE THE FIRST TIME IN U.S. HISTORY THAT AN ELECTION HAS BEEN PROVEN NULL AND VOID. IF THIS IS THE CASE, THEN JOHN KERRY BECOMES THE 44TH PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.

MEANWHILE, THE PRESIDENT IS CLAIMING 286 ELECTORAL VOTES WITH THE STATE OF IOWA GOING TO BUSH. IT IS THE FIRST TIME IN 20 YEARS THAT IOWA HAS VOTED FOR A REPUBLICAN PRESIDENT. REPORTS OUT OF IOWA INCLUDE MANY UNANSWERED QUESTIONS REGARDING THE TOTAL VOTE COUNT.

NEWS SPREAD QUICKLY OF NEO-CONSERVATIVE ATTACKS ON PENNSYLVANIA SENATOR ARLEN SPECTER (R) WHO IS EXPECTED TO RISE TO CHAIR THE SENATE JUDICIARY COMMITTEE. SPECTER, WELL LOVED BY PENNSYLVANIANS FOR KEEPING HIS WORD IS CONSIDERED PRO-CHOICE AND SAID HE DOES NOT SEEK TO HAVE ROE V. WADE OVERTURNED.

PRESSURE IS MOUNTING IN WASHINGTON AS U.S. AND BRITISH FORCES PREPARE FOR AN IMMINENT ASSAULT ON THE IRAQI CITY OF FALLJUH. TENSIONS ARE MOUNTING AS THE CITY'S RESIDENTS ARE ASKED TO LEAVE THE CITY. IRAQ'S PRIME MINISTER WARNED THAT "THE WINDOW IS CLOSING FOR PEACE IN FALLUJA."

EMOTIONS ARE RUNNING HIGH AS NEWS OF THE MASSIVE ELECTION FRAUD SPREADS AMONG JOHN KERRY'S SUPPORTERS. THE COMING MARCH ON WASHINGTON IS EXPECTED TO DRAW 20-25 MILLION PEOPLE IN THE WEEKS AHEAD TO DEMAND THE UPHOLDING OF THE 25TH AND 27TH AMENDMENTS TO THE U.S. CONSTITUION.

TENSIONS REMAIN HIGH AROUND THE WORLD ON THE CERTIFICATION OF THE U.S. GENERAL ELECTION WHICH WILL NOT TAKE PLACE UNTIL DECEMBER AT THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE. MEANTIME, INCREASING REPORTS OF MASSIVE ELECTIONS FRAUD IS EXPECTED TO OPEN THE LARGEST INVESTIGATION OF STATE AND COUNTRY ELECTIONS OFFICIALS AND OFFICES IN U.S. HISTORY.

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