Posted on 11/06/2004 2:54:57 PM PST by PJ-Comix
I consider the DUmmies to be like my personal ant farm. Every day I look through my computer screen window at my DUmmie Ant Farm and they never disappoint. It is fascinating to stare at my DUmmie Ant Farm because they go though so many interesting variations. Some days the DUmmies are in a state of hilarious despair. Other days they act like drama queens. Since the election they often scream in helpless rage at the lousy deck of cards fate has dealt them. Today’s DUmmie FUnnies is one of the best in the FUN department as DUmmie mopaul describes in hilarious detail the agonies he has suffered since the re-election of the Evil Bush Regime in this DUmmie THREAD. So join me for this entertaining peek at the DUmmie Ant Farm. As usual the droppings of the little critters are in Bolshevik Red while the musings of the keeper of the DUmmie Ant Farm, your humble correspondent, are in the [brackets]:
For 2 whole days, I layed in the corner drooling & making weird sounds…
[Consider yourself lucky, mopaul. Most DUmmies will be drooling and making weird sounds for 2 whole months as a result of the election.]
When I awoke very early Wednesday morning, I remember making coffee and sitting down with a cup at the computer machine....then, everything turned bright white, then completely black. I felt a dull thud, and heard a sound like a pumpkin smashing against a side of beef.
[All typical signs of the coming of the Apocalypse…except that the sound would be more like a pumpkin smashing against a side of hedgehog.]
Every few hours, I would drift back into lucidity, just long enough to realize I was laying in the corner of the living room with spittle running down my cheek and into a large puddle at my chin. and I could hear a weird voice off in the distance. I later realized it was my own voice, but I didn't hear words, only groans and occasional burps.
[These are usually symptoms of a condition that is known in medical circles as “inebriated”…but do continue, mopaul.]
One time when I blurred back into almost consciousness, I saw my dear wife, Mrs. Paul, over at the edge of the room, but she looked like she was 20 miles away, and I remember that the sensation of time passing had vanished, and I seemed to be locked in a ripple between time and space.
[Hmm….I take back my original prognosis of inebriation. This now sounds more like you had a near life experience. Please continue, mopaul. I find this FASCINATING.]
I got the vague blurred impression that I was curled up in the fetal position, and I could see a dust bunny in the corner in great detail, but I knew that dust bunnies didn't talk, as this one did. It kept echoing a phrase or mantra that I couldn't quite make out...'mandate'...'exit polls'....'massive turnout'...'4 more beers, 4 more beers'.....then the silence of the grave.
[I know that dust bunny! Please say hello to Harvey for me, mopaul!]
Then, I began to regret that I hadn't just died, and I felt hot as hell, but shivering like a naked man in antarctica, sweating and trembling violently. I remember dear Mrs. Paul applying a wet towel to my forehead and saying sweet comforting things to me, and I remember she looked like an angel, wings and all. for a while, it looked like I might pull through.
[I remember seeing a video like this once. Only instead of Mrs. Paul, it was Paris Hilton applying a wet towel and saying sweet comforting things.]
But then, the fever dreams began, and I descended into hell, headfirst. I saw all the souls of all the disenfranchised voters in a lake of burning sulpher and I heard their terrible lamentations, and I remember wishing that I'd never been born with ears, or eyes to see their awful suffering.
[Dante’s Inferno. Been there. Done that.]
Deeper, and deeper I fell into the stygian abyss, and I saw off in the distance what looked like a fiery throne, and it came into view and I could not close my offended eyes or rip them out and I saw the beast of stolen elections in all his bloody glory and I grew sore afraid.
[Ah! The River Styx. I made that trip when I took my last Jungle Queen cruise in Fort Lauderdale deep in the heart of a lamentable Red State.]
'O Democratic God of justice, why hast thou forsaken me?' I wailed.
'Why must I look upon this horror of the ages with my mortal eyes?'
[Methinks you are paraphrasing “Jeebus” as mentioned in the previous edition of the Dummie FUnnies. Careful, mopaul, about mixing religion and politics or you may have to forsake your DUmmie membership.]
But I heard no reply to my plea, and no relief for my suffering soul, and I had no cool drink of salvation to quench my damned tongue, and no succor from my candidate.
[Try Ex-Lax for that relief you so desperately seek, mopaul.]
After this I felt only blackness, cold and empty, where no shadows ever lived because no light had ever shone there. My eyes were open, as I later discovered, but I layed there like a dead man for the last hours of thursday night, stinking, burping, and generally bringing shame to my entire family.
[Full disclosure, please! You were also farting in addition to burping and stinking.]
Slowly, I began to recover from my affliction, my eyes cleared and my head too, but it still felt like spiders had built webs in there. I found the strength to make a pot of joe, and lurched back over to the computer machine. I stared at it for about two hours, motionless, finally grabbing the mouse and braced myself and faced the music. I started to comfort myself, and forget the awful ordeal I'd just been through and the portentous visions I'd had.
[Again we need full disclosure from you, mopaul. Not only did you grab the mouse but you also spanked the mouse. (And Mrs. Paul tells me the name of your mouse is Minnie.)]
And now, I'm gradually regaining my strength and composure, I've showered, put on clean clothes and burned the old ones, and apologized to my wife and my neighbors in the apt. above me.
[Just because you set your neighbor’s apartment afire due to burning your clothes is no reason to apologize to them.]
That's my story, and I'm sure I'm not the only one who's been down this same road of despair and redemption, and in that, I find solace and strength. Two days lost forever. Two whole days of my life taken, never to be redeemed. Two days of hell, to steel me on my quest for a satisfying election night. Someday, my prince, or princess will come
[And until then you shall remain a frog… Thus mopaul has set forth his sad DUmmie story. Somehow I think I should team up with this character and form a Vegas comedy act. This concludes the DUmmie Ant Farm viewing hours for today.]
PING!
This DUmmie is lucky another DUmmie didn't come along and stick a pair of scissors in his head and suck out his brains(?).
For 2 whole days, I layed in the corner drooling & making weird sounds…
Thanks. This narrows down my search for Dan Rather's DU user name. I want to be the first to get it.
Your daily does - PING!
To say nothing of how UNGODLY they are at DU. If they learned to PRAY and believe in God instead of the Devil.....Maybe....just MAYBE....they're candidates would have faired better in the elections.
Sounds more like a bad batch of Ripple to me!!
He should be more expressive. The poor thing just doesn't seem to be in touch with his inner scared little girl. </sarcasm>
Look at this, it is great!
Then DUer Jane Smiley pulled herself together, went to Slate, and...started drooling and writing weird thoughts.
I was only there ONCE and that was TOO OFTEN.
This was during Reagan's funeral. I recall mopaul's posts.
What filth from that one I've never seen in all my 61 yrs.!
And, like red ants, DUmmies tend to bite.
It's all relative when your a homophrodite!
This settles it. Monday morning I'm buying stock in Pfizer, Merck, Eli Lilly, and whoever else makes anti-depressants.
mopaul, thank you very, very much for the pleasure your posting has given me.
"'O Democratic God of justice, why hast thou forsaken me?' I wailed.
'Why must I look upon this horror of the ages with my mortal eyes?' "
You just can't make this stuff up!
PJ I love the new name "DUmmie Ant Farm" - it's so appropriate.
GROUP HUG!
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