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Keyword: satire

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  • Former Watergate Prosecutor: “Mueller Has Good Obstruction Case” [semi-satire]

    06/06/2018 10:53:58 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 3 June 2018 | John Semmens
    Former Assistant Watergate special prosecutor Jill Wine-Banks contends that “Trump’s repeated public assertions of innocence, by themselves, constitute a clear intent to obstruct the investigation being carried out by Special Prosecutor Mueller. When you add his characterization of the investigation as a ‘witch hunt’ I think we have a ‘slam dunk’ case of attempted intimidation and Mueller should proceed to an indictment of the President without even interviewing him.” Wine-Banks also cited Trump’s tweets lamenting his appointment of Jeff Session as Attorney General as “further evidence of improper intervention in the process aimed at removing him from office. Sessions has...
  • Philadelphia Eagles Accept Mueller’s Offer to Celebrate With Him

    06/05/2018 6:18:20 PM PDT · by entropy12 · 36 replies
    today | news
    Link only
  • 2020 Dem Hopeful Slams Trump’s “Immoral” Policies [semi-satire]

    06/05/2018 11:15:10 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 3 June 2018 | John Semmens
    Sen. Kamala Harris (D-Calif) sought to take an early lead for her Party’s 2020 presidential nomination by assailing President Trump’s “immoral” policies. Two specific areas that sparked her anger were Trump’s “cruel insistence on blocking the free migration of people across man-made borders” and his “insane refusal to abolish the weapons of war.” “People have just as much right as birds do to migrate to places where they have a better chance of surviving and propagating,” Harris argued. “Trump’s wall and ICE goons seek to bar humans from enjoying this basic right. The contention that birds fend for themselves while...
  • ‘Devastating’ Federal Payroll Cut {semi-satire]

    06/04/2018 11:15:42 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 3 June 2018 | John Semmens
    News that the Trump Administration has eliminated 24,000 federal government jobs was described as “devastating” by House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif). The cut amounts to less than 1% of the total federal government workforce. “Taking a ‘meat axe’ approach is destroying the finely tuned machine that kept America humming during the eight years President Obama ran the country. Federal workers are the employees who make the rules that tell everyone else what to do. The loss of so many vital cogs in the machinery of government will no doubt lead to widespread confusion and chaos.” “Not only will the...
  • NY AG Criticizes Trump’s Pardons [semi-satire]

    06/03/2018 12:50:58 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 3 June 2018 | John Semmens
    New York interim Attorney General Barbara Underwood took issue with President Trump’s recent pardons, saying they “are undermining the rule of law.” Underwood was particularly aggrieved by Trump’s pardon of conservative commentator Dinesh D’Souza, who was sent to prison for a 2012 illegal campaign contribution. “The fact that Mr. D’Souza was the only person to actually have to spend time in jail for this type of offense was an important example to others who might be tempted to break this law,” she said. “The lengthy list of those who got away with paying fines made it even more important that...
  • Google Says California GOP Are Nazis [semi-satire]

    06/02/2018 10:46:22 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 3 June 2018 | John Semmens
    The algorithms that Google uses to filter out "fake news" and ensure that its readers get the straight story ended up labeling the California Republican Party's ideology as "Nazism" in its "search results." This timely smear comes just a week ahead of the state's primary elections next Tuesday. Google CEO Pichai Sundararajan (alias: Sundar Pichai) explained the seeming "snafu" as "a logical end point for the algorithms we coded into our search engine. Historically, the ideologies of Nazism and Communism have been the most vociferous opponents of one another. Since the platform of the California Democratic Party is fundamentally indistinguishable...
  • Obama Says "Right to Try" Bill a "Costly Mistake" [semi-satire]

    06/01/2018 6:05:00 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 15 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 3 June 2018 | John Semmens
    This week President Trump signed the "Right to Try" bill recently passed by Congress. The new law will allow desperately ill patients to employ therapies not yet approved by the FDA. Trump called the bill "a decent and humane option to the current policy that allows patients no option until the glacial pace of the FDA has run its full course. Many have died waiting. This will give them a chance to act at their own risk to try to avert dying." Former President Obama predicted "this legislation is a costly mistake. Patients aren't qualified to assess the risks. Neither...
  • DNC Vice-Chairman Says Prison Bible Studies "Poaching Our Voters" [semi-satire]

    05/28/2018 10:49:13 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 17 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 27 May 2018 | John Semmens
    Democratic National Committee Vice-Chairman Rep. Keith Ellison (D-Minn) called Republican efforts to encourage prison inmates to participate in Bible studies "an attempt to poach voters who rightly ought to be supporting Democrats." "While the Bible studies message is not overtly political it conveys values that implicitly support the GOP agenda," Ellison contended. "Take the admonition 'thou shalt not steal.' This insinuates a personal right to property that runs counter to our Party's belief that property ought to redistributed more fairly. I mean, a lot of guys are in jail because they tried to implement a redistribution on their own initiative....
  • Dems Mull Election Message [semi-satire]

    05/26/2018 1:43:40 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 27 May 2018 | John Semmens
    Democrats have yet to reach a consensus on what message might resonate most favorably with voters this Fall. Citing a poll finding that 60% of voters don't believe the Mueller probe has uncovered any crimes, Democratic strategist Jesse Ferguson suggested that "we need to focus our message on the successes of the investigation. Granted, there hasn't yet been any evidence of Russian collusion, but several people have been indicted for other crimes." Almost all of these "other crimes" involve lying to federal agents. The one seemingly significant crime not in this category is the charge that Paul Manafort engaged in...
  • Seattle Levies Head Tax on Jobs [semi-satire]

    05/21/2018 10:13:36 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 20 May 2018 | John Semmens
    In a bid to discourage what it alleges is "wage slavery," the Seattle City Council voted to levy an annual tax of $275 on each person employed in the City by companies grossing $20 million or more. The originally proposed tax rate of $500 was reduced after Mayor Jenny Durkan threatened a veto. Council member Kshama Sawant says he is disappointed the tax isn't higher. "Man's preferred state is leisure," he said. "Forcing people to give up their leisure in order to obtain the means needed to survive is a crime against humanity. The $500 levy was an opening bid...
  • Hillary Clinton to receive prestigious Harvard medal

    05/20/2018 12:44:15 PM PDT · by Salman · 83 replies
    AP via The Sacramento Bee ^ | May 20, 2018 | The Associated Press
    <p>CAMBRIDGE, Mass. -- Hillary Clinton is being honored with a medal during Harvard University's graduation week.</p> <p>The former First Lady, U.S. Senator, Secretary of State and Democratic candidate for president will be awarded Friday in Cambridge with the Radcliffe Medal, which the university says honors individuals whose life and work have had a "transformative impact on society."</p>
  • Campaign Slogan May Not Be a Winner [semi-satire]

    05/20/2018 12:03:22 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 20 May 2018 | John Semmens
    Democrat Abdul al-Sayed, Michigan’s first-ever Muslim candidate for governor, may face an uphill struggle in in this year’s election. Political analysts suspect that his campaign slogan: “You may not hate Muslims, but Muslims definitely hate you!” may be too negative to win a majority of votes. “Granted, Michigan has the highest percentage of Muslim voters in the country,” said Democratic Party pollster Vern Spielman, “but even if they go 100% for Sayed I don’t think that overcomes the odds that the 97% of voters who are not Muslims will vote for someone less hostile toward them.” Sayed called objections to...
  • Operation Crossfire Hurricane Exposed [semi-satire]

    05/19/2018 10:42:30 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 20 May 2018 | John Semmens
    The Obama Administration’s Director of National Intelligence James Clapper called the CIA’s and FBI’s covert and illegal spying on the Trump campaign and administration “fully justified. With a threat as palpable as that posed by Trump we wouldn’t want the agencies set up to protect this country to idly sit by just because they don’t have enough evidence to persuade a judge to issue a warrant. Besides, too many individuals would be involved in the process of trying to obtain a warrant that we couldn’t guarantee the type of air-tight security necessary to achieve the best possible results. Leaks could’ve...
  • Dems Defend MS-13 Against Trump Slander [semi-satire]

    05/19/2018 1:50:42 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 20 May 2018 | John Semmens
    This week President Trump again described members of the heinous immigrant gang MS-13 as "animals." His remarks came in response to a complaint that California law forbids local law enforcement officers from notifying ICE that MS-13 gang members are in custody in county jails—resulting in their release back into the community instead of their deportation. Two high-ranking Democrats assailed Trump's remarks. Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer characterized the President's words as "a slander against the kind of people who make our country great. Let's not forget that we are a nation of immigrants. If it weren't for the daring and...
  • CNN to Limit Live Coverage of Trump in 2020 [semi-satire]

    05/16/2018 10:41:30 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 May 2018 | John Semmens
    In the event that President Trump runs for reelection in 2020, CNN has vowed to severely limit any live coverage. CNN anchor Don Lemon explained that “the Network feels that our viewers need to be protected from prolonged and unfiltered exposure to Trump’s lies and insults. We recognized that the type of coverage we gave him during 2016 allowed him unfettered access to suggestible voters and may have made the margin of difference needed for him to win over Secretary Clinton.” “By using taped and delayed excerpts instead of live coverage we feel more confident that we can better project...
  • McCain’s Proudest Accomplishments [semi-satire]

    05/15/2018 10:43:54 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 15 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 May 2018 | John Semmens
    Nearing the end of his life, Sen. John McCain wants Americans to know that he deems his proudest accomplishment was “my loss to Barrack Obama in the 2008 election. At the time I didn’t appreciate it, but in hindsight my role stands out as a key turning point in US history.” “Had I won that election it would’ve been an unremarkable repeat of something that had already happened several times in previous presidential elections—a white war hero wins,” the Senator observed. “But by bungling my campaign—suspending it in late September so I could focus on the economic crisis and muzzling...
  • Donations to Inaugural Called “Suspicious” by Mueller [semi-satire]

    05/14/2018 11:08:02 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 May 2018 | John Semmens
    Special Counsel Robert Mueller is now probing what he called “a suspicious pattern of donations flowing in to fund President Trump’s inaugural celebration. Donors from Russia, Saudi Arabia, the United Arab Emirates and Qatar raises serious ‘red flags’ from our point of view. Under normal circumstances this is money that would more typically find its way to the Clinton Foundation or Obama for America.” “What we need to know is why these formerly reliable donors to elements of the Democratic Party and its affiliates would suddenly switch to sharing the cost of the inauguration of a Republican president,” Mueller said....
  • Leading Dems Take Aim at Right-to-Work Laws [semi-satire]

    05/13/2018 10:24:57 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 May 2018 | John Semmens
    Aiming to bolster their credentials among the leftist lunatics that now control the Democratic Party, projected 2020 presidential candidates Sens. Bernie Sanders (Vt), Kirsten Gillibrand (NY), Elizabeth Warren (Mass) and Cory Booker (NJ) have jointly drafted legislation that would prohibit states from enacting right-to-work laws. "Allowing states to pass so-called right-to-work laws tramples the right of unions to fulfill their role as representatives of the working class," Sanders maintained. "This stifles their ability to lead workers toward the overthrow of the capitalist system as Marx predicted in the Communist Manifesto and as the Russian Revolution of 1917 proved could be...
  • Euroweenies Complain About Trump's Iran Deal Pullout [semi-satire]

    05/12/2018 11:42:06 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 May 2018 | John Semmens
    German Chancellor Angela Merkel and French President Emmanuel Macron decried President Trump's decision to cancel the United States' participation in the Iran deal negotiated by former Secretary of State John Kerry during the Obama Administration. "For more than 70 years we've counted on the United States to protect us from hostile powers," Merkel said. "President Obama gave us his word that the US would protect us from Iran. Now Trump has ripped up the piece of paper that ensured Iran won't develop nuclear weapons until it suits them. All the money the US paid Iran to get this agreement is...
  • FBI "Mole" Inside Trump Campaign Justified [semi-satire]

    05/11/2018 10:08:40 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 11 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 May 2018 | John Semmens
    With Congress on the verge of holding the US Department of Justice and the FBI in contempt for repeated refusals to provide unredacted documents related to the Agency's efforts to spy on the Republican presidential campaign and Administration, Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein ardently defended the action. "Unredacting these documents would permit members of Congress to discover the methods and the identities of Agency personnel and outside parties who participated in this vital operation," Rosenstein alleged. "This would have a 'chilling' effect on future operations of a similar nature and, as such, would pose a severe limitation on our power...