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Keyword: satire

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  • Group Says OSU Terrorist "Wrongly Shot" [semi-satire]

    12/10/2016 7:20:51 AM PST · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 Dec 2016 | John Semmens
    The Ohio State University Coalition for Black Liberation held a rally to protest racist cops' shooting black men. One of the "wrongly shot" individuals was Abdul Razak Ali Artan who ran over some students with his automobile and went on a rampage stabbing others until he was shot by campus police. One of the rally's spokespersons, Maryam Abidi characterized the shooting as "a disproportionate response. Artan was only armed with a knife. There was no call for police to escalate to the use of firearms." Abidi called the claim that the shooting was necessary to save the lives of others...
  • France Censors Anti-Abortion Advocates [semi-satire]

    12/09/2016 8:48:10 PM PST · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 Dec 2016 | John Semmens
    The award-winning "Dear Future Mom" video featuring children with Down Syndrome making the case for the value of their lives was banned from TV by France's Conseil d'État (State Council). According to the Council, the video was deemed "too insensitive" since it was "likely to trouble the consciences of women who had made different personal life choices" (i.e., had aborted babies predicted to have Down Syndrome). Council spokesman Henri Abattage defended the ban, maintaining that "our decision is in keeping with public perceptions of what is right. There's a reason why 90% of the pregnancies afflicted with this syndrome end...
  • Left Mourns Passing of Castro semi-satire]

    12/06/2016 9:59:35 AM PST · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 Dec 2016 | John Semmens
    This week, long-time Cuban dictator Fidel Castro died at the age of 90. He violently took over the government of Cuba in 1959 and ruled it with an iron fist for 50 years until his retirement in 2011. His 85-year-old brother Raul has governed the island the last five years. Fidel’s rule began with mass executions of opponents by firing squad for the entertainment of cheering crowds at the Havana soccer stadium. Enemies who weren’t murdered were thrown into filthy prisons where they were tortured and abused. The vast majority of Cubans lived lives of abject poverty and oppression. Over...
  • DOJ Declines to Investigate Intimidation Against Trump Electors [semi-satire]

    12/05/2016 8:33:52 AM PST · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 Dec 2016 | John Semmens
    Despite numerous reports of harassment and death threats against electors pledged to vote for Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump when the Electoral College meets on December 19, the US Department of Justice, thus far, has declined to take any action. DOJ deputy press secretary David Jacobs cast the issue as “not yet ripe enough.” “From what we have heard these electors have been called names and warned they could be harmed if they don’t switch their vote to Secretary Clinton,” Jacobs recounted. “Name calling is protected freedom of speech. Just weeks ago the two leading candidates were calling each other...
  • RAF on high alert due to heightened Arctic activity

    12/04/2016 9:22:57 AM PST · by AdmSmith · 24 replies
    UK Defence Journal ^ | 02DEC2016 | George Allison
    The Royal Air Force will reportedly be on high alert in the coming days in order to intercept and track flights from the Arctic region. The move has been prompted by an incident around a year ago in which Typhoon aircraft escorted a Lapland registered aircraft (flying from the Arctic region) over the UK’s major cities, the pilot of the craft was said to be under the influence of alcohol and very “festive”, this is especially dangerous due to the sheer volume of cargo the aircraft was carrying. This is expected to happen again. An MoD spokesman had this to...
  • EEOC Announces New Workplace Regs [semi-satire]

    12/03/2016 11:14:53 AM PST · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 Dec 2016 | John Semmens
    The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) announced new workplace regulations requiring employers to accommodate the languages spoken by prospective hires and current employees or “face sanctions including fines and/or revocation of permission to operate.” Oddly, the EEOC cited “the growing diversity of the nation’s workforce as the justification for the new rule.” Under the new regulations requiring employees to speak or understand English is now deemed unlawful discrimination. “Employees have the right to communicate in a language of their own choosing,” EEOC Chairperson Jenny Yang argued. “It is the employer’s responsibility to learn the language of his employees or hire...
  • Obama to Admit Refugees Barred from Entering Australia [semi-satire]

    12/03/2016 8:45:04 AM PST · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 Dec 2016 | John Semmens
    The Obama Administration has agreed to admit nearly 2500 refugees that the Australian government has refused to allow into their country for "security reasons." The refugees are from terrorism "hot spots" and have been excluded for failing to clear the country's vetting process. Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-Iowa) and Rep. Bob Goodlatte (R-Va) have complained about the lack of transparency in the President's actions. "In a matter having obvious security implications the President is obliged to consult Congress before agreeing to bring potentially dangerous individuals into the United States," Grassley contended. "The fact that these men were not deemed a good...
  • Senator Desperate to Pass "Lame Duck" Bills [semi-satire]

    12/02/2016 8:20:25 PM PST · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 Dec 2016 | John Semmens
    Sen. Lindsay Graham (R-SC) has joined with Sen. John McCain (R-Az) to modify the recently passed Justice Against Sponsors of Terror Act (JASTA). This law allows victims of terrorist attacks to sue the governments that provide funding and sanctuary to terrorists. Graham is concerned that "the existing law can come back to bite us. When Congress overrode President Obama's veto they were thinking 'let's make these Muslim governments pay for the damages done by the groups they harbor.' What was overlooked was the possibility that our own government would be made liable for damage done by terrorists armed by the...
  • Trump's Direct Communication to Public Irks Major Media [semi-satire]

    11/29/2016 9:22:43 AM PST · by John Semmens · 13 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 27 Nov 2016 | John Semmens
    Since winning the election, president-elect Donald Trump has broadcast a couple of brief messages directly to the general public over the Internet on his Facebook page. These communications have been denounced by some media talking heads. Katy Tur of MSNBC called this "a disturbing end-run around the critical filter provided by professional journalists. It allows Trump to put his own 'spin' on the message and transmit it to voters before it has been vetted by those of us whose job it is to act as intermediaries." That Trump would seek a more direct path to communicate with Americans was probably...
  • Union Decries Trump Nominee for Department of Education [semi-satire]

    11/28/2016 10:35:20 AM PST · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 27 Nov 2016 | John Semmens
    President-elect Donald Trump’s nomination of Betsy DeVos for Secretary of Education did not sit well with American Federation of Teachers President Randi Weingarten. “In nominating DeVos, Trump makes it loud and clear that his education policy will focus on shifting control of education into the hands of students and their parents,” she complained. “This defies logic and can only lead to the destruction of the public education system.” Weingarten dismissed the consumer empowerment concept as “a naive perspective for the delivery of as complex a product as education. Does a parent really know what’s best for her child? Can we,...
  • Bureaucrats Order Destruction of Food Bound for Homeless Shelter [semi-satire]

    11/27/2016 9:15:58 AM PST · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 27 Nov 2016 | John Semmens
    The attempt by Kookers Kare to donate 4,000 lbs. of leftovers from the American Royal’s World Series of Barbecue to a local nonprofit organization called Hope City was thwarted by the Kansas City Health Department. The food donation has traditionally fed thousands of homeless persons in Kansas City for decades without complaint or incident. This time, however, the donated food was ordered destroyed by the Kansas City Health Department. “All of that food was uninspected, so that makes it from an unapproved source, it cannot be served to the public,” Operations Manager Joe Williamson said. “It doesn’t matter that both...
  • France to Pay Illegals to Leave [semi-satire]

    11/26/2016 3:52:38 PM PST · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 27 Nov 2016 | John Semmens
    The government of France is offering a bounty of €2,500 to migrants who voluntarily go home to their country of origin. The €2,500 to cover air fare is only part of the deal. An additional €10,000 in financial aid is available to help them get set up on arriving home. Didier Leschi, the head of France's immigration office, called the payment "a bargain compared to the cost of sustaining these people via the welfare benefits to which they are entitled under French law. The €10,000 each will receive upon arrival is enough to fund a small business in their native...
  • Democratic Party Doesn't Need White People [semi-satire]

    11/26/2016 10:46:13 AM PST · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 27 Nov 2016 | John Semmens
    In a bid to simplify the race for who will be the next chairperson of the Democratic National Committee, former Bernie Sanders for President spokeswoman Symone Sanders advised melanin deficient aspirants to "back off. We don't need white people leading the Democratic Party right now." Contrasting "the whupping dished out to two pasty-faced white dudes by the chocolaty Barack to the embarrassing upset suffered by the ghostly Hillary makes it clear that the Party's future lies with people of color," Symone argued. She was especially anxious that "the 'crazy yodeling white dude' not be allowed to lead the Party into...
  • The Ten Commandments According to Francis

    11/25/2016 5:10:06 PM PST · by ebb tide · 4 replies
    Mahhound's Paradise ^ | November 25, 2016 | Manhound
    I have obtained a draft version. Sources tell me that the New Decalogue will be promulgated soon after the four cardinals are beheaded. 1. I am the LORD your Pope: you shall not heed strange Popes before me. 2. You shall not take Yes or No questions to me. 3. Remember the late 1960's and keep them holy. 4. Please report dissident relatives to the proper authorities. 5. You shall not discard that which can be re-used. 6. Life is complicated. 7. Let it go. 8 You shall bear false witness against your neighbor if it favors the progressive cause....
  • Voter ID Laws Rigged Election for Trump [semi-satire]

    11/25/2016 2:57:07 PM PST · by John Semmens · 11 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 27 Nov 2016 | John Semmens
    The League of Women Voters called for the election of Donald Trump to be voided on the grounds that the election was rigged. Chris Carson, president of the League of Women Voters maintains that "state laws requiring voters to show IDs before they are allowed to cast a ballot unduly restrict the franchise." "The whole point of democracy is to allow the people to govern themselves," Carson said. "Limiting the franchise to only those who can prove who they are narrows the base and excludes those who can't or won't agree to identify themselves. This conflicts with the principle of...
  • Chicago to Remain Sanctuary City [semi-satire]

    11/22/2016 9:34:06 AM PST · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 20 Nov 2016 | John Semmens
    Calling illegal alien criminal gangs “a time-honored part of our city’s culture,” Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel announced that “we will remain a sanctuary city regardless of whatever opposition a President Trump might express to our policy.” For his part, President-Elect Trump has pledged to deport or incarcerate the estimated two million illegal aliens in the country who have criminal records. Given that Chicago suffers from dozens of gang-related shootings every month it would seem that removing criminal aliens from the mix might lessen the carnage. Emanuel was having none of this, though, calling the apparent salutary objective of deporting the...
  • Google Promises to Censor "Fake News" [semi-satire]

    11/21/2016 9:02:22 AM PST · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 20 Nov 2016 | John Semmens
    Acknowledging that "our knee-jerk notion that freedom of speech should not be stifled may have blinded us to our responsibility to prevent the promulgation of 'fake news,'" Google's chief executive Sundar Pichai said and promised "to do a better job of weeding out erroneous and misleading posts in the future." Pichai was especially hard on himself "for letting Hillary down. The more established media arbiters at CNN, NBC, CBS, etc. held as firm as they could to protect their viewers from being exposed to bogus news like the Wikileaks documents. But those of us in the Internet zone allowed our...
  • Senator Vows to Blockade Trump Agenda [semi-satire]

    11/20/2016 10:03:18 AM PST · by John Semmens · 14 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 20 Nov 2016 | John Semmens
    Sen. Lindsay Graham (R-SC) vowed he would block Trump's efforts to clamp down on illegal immigration and make peace with Russia. "He may think that because there is a GOP majority that he can get his way over here," Graham warned. "But it will only take a few of us to join with the Democrats to thwart his plans." Graham found Trump's idea that the United States and Russia could make common cause to fight ISIS "frightening. Russia has been this country's adversary for longer than I've been alive. They have nuclear weapons. They're dangerous. ISIS is a 'johnny-come-lately' phenomenon....
  • Campaign Launched to Reverse Election Outcome [semi-satire]

    11/19/2016 10:41:57 AM PST · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 20 Nov 2016 | John Semmens
    A campaign has been launched by Hillary supporters to intimidate Trump electors into voting for Clinton on December 19th. Personal data—names and addresses—have been published in hopes that "people will take the initiative to contact these electors and persuade them to change their vote for the good of the country." Part of that "good" may be self-preservation, as a number of Trump electors have reported receiving death threats if they "vote wrong." Retiring Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) blamed President-Elect Donald Trump for "the surge of violence that has erupted since the election. His deplorable campaign of hate and...
  • Micro-Aggression Terror at Starbucks [semi-satire]

    11/18/2016 8:57:08 PM PST · by John Semmens · 17 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 20 Nov 2016 | John Semmens
    Customers and staff at a Portland, Oregon Starbuck's coffee shop endured a moment of pure terror when another customer asked for the name "Trump" to be written on his order. "This used to be a safe space," said a weepy barista while whipping up a Latte Venti for a cowering customer in an "I'm with her" t-shirt. "That our grief over the election results could be so disrespected so soon reaffirms our fears that a new dark age is upon us." Customer, Marcus Child admitted to "trembling in horror at the insensitivity of some people. The greatest woman in human...