Posted on 10/18/2020 11:56:43 AM PDT by sodpoodle
Telling a person to calm down is about like baptizing a cat.
Prayer is the original wireless communication.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffered from mental illness. I said, "No, we all seem to enjoy it."
I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink. Turns out it was the refrigerator.
I thought growing old would take longer.
Went shopping while hungry – now I'm the proud owner of Aisle 6.
My bucket list: keep breathing.
Camping: where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person.
Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say: "close enough."
Being an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever done.
Someone just honked to get me out of my parking spot faster. Now I have to sit here until both of us are dead.
I'm a multitasker. I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time!
At my funeral, take the bouquet from my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Retirement to do list: Wake up. Nailed it!
Went to an antique show and people were bidding on me.
I won't say I'm worn out, but I don't get near the curb on trash day.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point. The glass is refillable.
Retired: under new management. See spouse for details.
Be the kind of woman who when your feet hit the floor first thing in the morning, the devil says: "Oh, oh, here she comes."
When you can't find the sunshine...be the sunshine.
I don't have grey hair. I have wisdom highlights.
I'm a nightmare dressed like a daydream.
Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.
I don't trip, I do random gravity checks.
My heart says chocolate and wine, but my jeans say, please, please, please, eat a salad!
Hold on while I overthink this.
My spouse says I have 2 faults. I don't listen and...something else.
Never laugh at your spouse's choices. You are one of them.
"Dammit I'm mad" spelled backwards is "Dammit I'm mad". So is "Madam I am Adam."
One minute you're young and fun. The next, you're turning down the car stereo to see better.
I'd grow my own food if only I could find bacon seeds.
Losing weight doesn't seem to be working for me, so from now I'm going to concentrate on getting taller.
Day 12 without chocolate... lost hearing in my left eye.
Some people are like clouds, once they disappear it's a beautiful day.
Some people you're glad to see coming; some people you're glad to see going.
My body is a temple, ancient and crumbling, perhaps cursed or haunted.
Common sense is not a gift. It's a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn't have it.
PLEASE KEEP YOUR DISTANCE. Nothing to do with virus. I'm just a grouch.
I came. I saw. I forgot what I was doing. Retraced my steps. Got lost on the way back. Now I have no idea what's going on.
Heh, excellent!...(copy/paste)thanks!
Madam I’m Adam.
A man, a plan, a canal. Panama!
Here goes! Next to last one was great.
I’m on two diets. I wasn’t getting enough food on one.
A cold seat in a public restroom is unpleasant. A warm seat is worse.
Apparently RSVP’ing to a wedding invitation, “Maybe next time”, isn’t the correct response.
Don’t irritate old people. The older we get the less “life in prison” is a deterrent.
Have you ever listened to someone for a minute and thought, “Their cornbread ain’t done in the middle.”
Aliens probably fly by earth and lock their doors.
You will hit every cone on the highway before I let you merge in front of me because you saw that sign 2 miles ago like I did.
I asked my wife if I was the only one she had been with. She said yes, all the others were nines and tens...
I really don’t mind getting older, but my body is taking it badly.
It turns out that being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
I miss the 90’s, when bread was still good for you and no one knew what kale was.
Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, “That can’t be accurate”
I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
As I watch this generation try to rewrite our history, one thing I’m sure of… it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
I thought getting old would take longer.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make food right in front of you. I took her to Subway. That’s when the fight started.
Me: Sobbing my heart out, “I can’t see you anymore… I’m not going to let you hurt me again.” Trainer: “It was one sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Picked up a hitchhiker. He asked if I wasn’t afraid he might be a serial killer? I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car were extremely unlikely.
I went line dancing last night. OK, it was a roadside sobriety test… same thing .
The comments on age are really not justified. Bad attitude
“don’t let the old man in” Toby Keith on Clint Eastwood
lol! We need more humor especially now.
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Good stuff!
lolol spelled backwards is still lolol!
Someone just honked to get me out of my parking spot faster. Now I have to sit here until both of us are dead...
And of course if someone tailgates me i slow down to 2.4 mph.
WHY???!
It must be inner rage coming out :)
Great one liners.
With all the miserable news about our enemies being posted here, this was a welcome relief
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Name No One Man!
I send all of your postings to my wife.
That’s why we’re still married.
“Madam I’m Adam. A man, a plan, a canal. Panama!”
“T. Eliot, top bard, notes putrid tang emanating, is sad. I’d assign it a name: gnat dirt upset on drab pot toilet.”
;^)
My will specifies that my remains be cremated and the ashes hurled into Joy Behar’s face.
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I can remember when it was Lieutenant Tso’s chicken.
ping
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